by "Buck"

September 11, 2003

RESPONSE - I've pondered for several minutes how to respond to Traderrev's criticism of my columns here at the WVSR.  (That's an eternity of thinking for me)  My first instinct was to offer to drag him outside and kick the shit out of him.  However, I've never met Traderrev or seen him.   He might weigh 98-pounds and be the size of a pencil.  He might also be built like Lawrence Taylor.  I've gotten into scuffles with both types-but one thing I've learned over years of barroom brawling, size up the competition before rushing headlong into it.  Alcohol tends to dull that instinct, but I'm stone sober now.   Besides, I've rarely come out of a fight-win or lose-in which the brawl actually accomplished anything other than to leave one of us satisfied we got that off our chest and both of us sore.   Then there was my normal response when somebody doesn't like something I've produced; "Go Fuck yourself" but again that's a little shallow and childish.    Therefore, my official response to Traderrev:

I fully agree that Mr. Kay and Chris from Boone do a better job and are more entertaining.  I'm just happy to be here.  However, it's the Internet and there are a zillion people worse than me.  If you don't like it, click the "back" button and go read something else... and as always..  "Go fuck yourself."

HYBRID RESTAURANTS - I've noticed the restaurant consolidation trend is beginning to take root in a big way here in West Virginia.   There's a KFC/Taco Bell, Pizza Hut/Taco Bell, and then every gas station is now partnering with somebody.  There's the Pilot/Arby's, Exxon/Subway, Citgo/Burger King, and the other night I ate at a Long John Silvers/A&W.   This is a violation of all that is good and holy.   For years Long John's has been my favorite seafood restaurant.   You go in, order your shit after viewing it under a glass warming line, and go sit down and devour it.   Not at this place.  I felt like I was at Al's on Happy Days to start with.   Fats Domino is playing on the P-A.  Everything is 50's retro theme, the place looks like a diner, and we are actually taken to our seats by a HOSTESS!   Then they bring us drinks and MENUS!   Holy shit, I didn't expect to be at the RED FOX at SNOWSHOE!    Give me fish and shrimp and give it to me NOW.   Nope, had to wait 15-minutes for the stuff to be served at the table.   This is an absolute abomination.   Fast food is supposed to be FAST-Hardee's excluded-and it's supposed to be for all intents and purposes self-service.  This waitress had a tray with a bunch of tiny packs of tartar sauce, cocktail sauce, and ketchup ARRANGED for our choosing.  She asked if we wanted vinegar and actually put it on the fish.    I paid for the meal at the table after she brought the CHECK!   What in holy-fucked up hell is that?  I cannot cope.  Plus it was overpriced for an LJS.    I don't need to hear Jailhouse Rock and be surrounded by old 45's and 33's to eat my Fish and More.      I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the high school kid in a foolish looking pirate hat and ring in her nose asking me half-heartedly if I want crumbs with that order. 

WAL-MART - You can get ANYTHING at Wal-Mart.  It's a good thing because it's the only place in West Virginia to shop.  Once again, Wal-Mart is the state's largest private employer.   The other day somebody called our office with a wrong number and actually said.  "Is this the Wal-Mart surgery center?"    I shit you not!    I can see it now.  Dr. Sam will see you now for your colonoscopy and the operating room has a huge yellow smiley face on the wall. Yikes.

ALL-YOU CAN EAT - There have been many great advancements in mankind over my lifetime.   There was the landing on the moon, the Internet, the fuel injected engine, the chicken pox vaccine, just to name a few.  However, the single greatest advancement that has impacted my life has to be the all you can eat food bar.    This was a stroke of brilliance on the part of a wise and noble restaurateur.  The only hitch in his otherwise mind boggling plan was a customer like me.   I'm the kind of guy who will pay my 7.99, grab a bottomless glass of iced tea (sweet please), a fork, and a chair and belly up to the bar.  No need for those foolish items known as plates, I'll just eat right off the steam table.    I did considerable damage over the weekend during a stop along Interstate 79 in Flatwoods.   I dropped off at Larry's after noticing the sign that said, "All you can eat STEAK buffet."  Good Heavens, it's a good thing coyotes cannot read or I'd have been battling like a dingo.   As it stood the place was actually almost empty.  I figured that meant the food would suck-but I was sorely mistaken.   It was incredibly good and I devoured six large pieces of sirloin with mushrooms, onions, bell peppers and that juice it was floating in.   For good measure I put away a couple of slabs of ham and left the rest of the food bar quaking.    I'm pretty sure as I left, Larry took the sign down, and I detected a tear in his eye as I ambled out of the place.

FEAR OF FLYING - I have no fear of flying.  In fact, I love to get on a plane and tool across the nation.  I've flown in windstorms, lightening, thunder-the whole deal and it's never bothered me.    There has only been one time that I've been concerned.  I was in college and was taking a small plane to a larger connection.  I was traveling with a buddy.  We're both 6'5" and weighed at the time close to 300 pounds.   The stewardess asked if we would move to the back of the plane because of our size.  Good grief, I didn't realize I'd become ballast.   It was disconcerting.   If they are going to make the huge people sit in the back of the small planes, maybe they could make the seats more accommodating.   I sat for an hour with my kneecaps next to my nose.

NEIGHBORS UPDATE - The subdivision where I live is a revolving door of various people.   Some of my neighbors are fine upstanding folks.  They're the kind of people you'll ask to feed the dog and get the mail while you're out of town.   Then, there are miscreants that violate the very nature of  the term "neighborhood."     The 33-homes in this mid 90's development run anywhere from 90,000 to 120,000 dollars.  Therefore they are normally starter-homes for younger professional couples with small children.    At any given time there will be a mob of kids as various places playing.  This is unsettling when you consider the genius living three doors up.  I've never met the man, but my friend who lives next to him says he parades around his backyard at all hours of the night mumbling to himself in his underwear.    He forevermore is locking himself out of his house.  When this happens he stumbles over to my buddy's home, drunk, and asks to use the phone.   My buddy won't let him in and always makes the call for him.    The last time he asked, my buddy asked they guy he was calling what he knew about the dude.   The guy on the other end says, "I don't know, I met him once at a narcotics anonymous meeting."   GREAT!!!!!

NEW NEIGHBOR - As luck would have it across the street from our N-A Superman we have a new neighbor.  However, this one has a little more promise.  He's a West Virginia State Trooper.  There's something comforting about seeing that marked cruiser in his driveway every day when I leave for work.  I'd love to see this genius banging on his door looking to use the phone or bumming a cigarette.

NO TRESPASSING - I leave for work VERY early in the morning.  I leave so early, some might consider it late.  I'm usually passing all the drunkards crawling home as I head into the office.   The other day I forgot something and had to make a u-turn at the end of the street and go back home.  As I tried to quietly key the door and slip in, I realized this is not possible with my wife who's a very light sleeper.  She called my name as I was half-way down the hall.  I answered and she said, "Okay."   I suddenly broke into a cold sweat as I heard the distinctive sound of the action of my Mossberg 12-gauge pump shotgun slamming closed and the clatter of unspent shells bouncing onto the hardwood floor.    I don't worry too much about my wife.  My condolences to anyone who attempts to break in. 

GUN MISHAP - You must understand in West Virginia, owning a gun is like owning a blender.   Everybody just has one.  Most people have many.  When I was house shopping a few years back real estate agents let you basically carry out a search warrant in prospective properties.    We looked at 30-houses.  Twenty-eight had guns that were visible and in the other two I found hidden firearms.    It's a culture that lends itself toward self-protection since there are so few police officers who are often too far away to help in a pinch.    My father-in-law is a very safety conscious individual.  He's always careful with firearms, but even the best have a down moment.  He was in the basement the other day unloading his shotgun when a blast went off.   My mother-in-law was certain he'd killed himself and ran downstairs to see what happened.    Turns out he'd forgotten to get the last shell out and dropped the thing on the freezer.  It went off and blasted a skillet-sized hole in the wall.  On the other side of that wall it ripped through 11-pairs of pants, seven shirts, and two jackets that were hanging on a clothes line.  Part of the pellets then struck the hot water heater.  The rest blasted out the glass in the storm door window.   DAMN!

CELL PHONES - I saw a story today where a woman was held in contempt of court and spent a night in jail after her cell phone rang in a courtroom.   Good.   I hate those damn things.    There's nothing ruder than a cell phone going off during a meeting.   What's worse is when it has the tune of some ridiculous song like "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."    I have a cell phone, but rarely turn it on unless I have to make a call.  I don't even know the number so nobody can call me.    I'm sure the next ingenious technology will be the cell phone answering machine.  The message, "I'm sorry, Buck is at home not doing anything right now.  Please leave a message or call back when he's out and incredibly busy."   What a bunch of horseshit.

CALL WAITING - While we're on the subject of rude technology that pisses me off, what the fuck is the purpose of call waiting?     There's nothing that pisses me off more than being on the phone with somebody and they say, "Oh, hold on I have another call."   The hell?   Fuck you!  You called me you dumbshit or many times I will have called somebody long distance and I have to sit on hold while they attend to other matters, all the while the meter is running.    It's not uncommon for me to hang up as soon as I'm on hold.   I hate waiting to begin with and I'll be damned if I'll do it when I don't have to.

FAVORITE MOVIES - I guess this is the kind of stuff you guys like to read.  I notice Chris from Boone makes various lists of his favorite stuff.    I'm not much of a movie buff, but back in high school and college I saw quite a few that still hold my attention as all-time favorites.     These are ranked in no particular order since I love them all for various reasons, but they are definitely my top 10. 

1.  Full Metal Jacket - Lee Emery is a bastard, but that's what the role calls for.   The guy who plays Private Gomer Pyle is superb, but he plays on some new TV detective show and sucks.    He was also the guy in the Edgar suit on Men in Black.
2. Animal House - A classic for all time.
3. Bachelor Party - Tom Hanks before he became a serious actor
4. Saving Private Ryan - Tom Hanks after becoming a serious actor, still excellent and some of the best war scenes I've ever seen.
5. Pear Harbor - I only put this one in because the battle scenes are superb, the story line was horseshit.  Show more tit and I'll deal with the screwed up chick plot a little better. 
6. Sweet Home Alabama - Reese Witherspoon is hot and as I've said before, it's like hanging with the homies.
7. A Christmas Story -- "A can of Simonize!"   Ralphie's old man is a treasure.
8. The Bear - An obscure unauthorized biography on Bear Bryant.  Apparently the people in the state of Alabama hated it, but I thought it was a pretty good movie.  I was disappointed it never made it to video.
9. Siege at Firebase Gloria - Another one where Lee Emery is in his element.  Decent battle scenes.
10. McClintock - Give it up for the Duke.

OTHER MOVIES I LIKE - These didn't make the top ten, but deserved a mention.

Theater of Blood - I'm not a big fan of horror, but this Vincent Price production holds some fascination since they actually showed it AT SCHOOL!.  If you haven't seen it you won't understand these three words, but POODLE POT PIE.

The Breakfast Club - I don't know I always thought Ally Sheedy and Molly Ringwald were hot.

Sixteen Candles - My neighbor got a satellite dish in 1983, it was on continuously. I know the words by heart.  Otherwise the plot sucked, but what the hell it was a Brat Pack cult classic.

Gladiator - Russell Crowe kicks some serious ass in this and I love seeing people kick serious ass.

Smokey and the Bandit - Screw you and your hillbilly jokes, Jackie Gleason is funny even today.

The River - This one makes the grade because it was filmed in a town near where I  grew up called Gate City.  I was actually an extra in this movie, although you can't see me.  I was standing in the pool hall when Mel Gibson walks in and demands that some guy open his parts store to get a new belt for his tractor on Sunday.

The Green Berets - John Wayne is my hero

Midway - Charlton Heston is another hero, and decent battle scenes interspersed with actual war footage.

The Beverly Hillbillies - I don't usually like movies that are takeoffs of an old TV show, but again, a movie about the home folks, plus Lea Thompson has a nice rack.    Also Jim Varney - better known as "That Vern Guy" does a decent Jed and Buddy Ebsen makes a cameo in his other role as Barnaby Jones.    Good use of irony. 

I know my tastes make very little sense, but I have my reasons for liking certain flicks.  I'm a big action fan and I dig comedy.  I could give a shit about the Lifetime movie of the week or any other chick flick, but occasionally I'm forced to watch one and try to find something good about it to justify the time.

CHICKS KISSING - I'm absolutely enraged about the much heralded tongue exchange between "The Three Whores"   Madonna, Britney, and Christina. I wouldn't have ever bought any of your music to start with since you suffer from an extreme lack of talent.  I won't deny that Britney is hot and Madonna used to be, but for the love of all that is good and holy spare us the needless display of shock on MTV.  I hate MTV to start with and didn't watch the awards, but I had to be subjected to this horseshit repeatedly on the news.   Great, just what we need more willing accomplices in the media to try and make three sluts embarrassing themselves look like the mainstream of American society?   I've never in my life seen two women lip-lock in real life.  I'm not denying it happens, but it doesn't happen frequently enough to be held up as the norm.  

FOOTBALL - The NFL should never have used Britney Spears to headline the season opener.  The dumb blonde didn't even know who was playing in the damn game and when asked who she wanted to win said the Jets---when she got booed she changed her vote to the Redskins.  Stupid idiot probably never watched a football game in her life.

My Tennessee Vols survived a scare against Marshall.  Marshall has a good team make no mistake, but Tennessee played like horseshit.   I don't think they are nearly as good as everybody thinks.  Quarterback Casey Clausen looks like a punk and I suspect the rest of the team resents him.    We'll find out just how together they are in two weeks when the play Florida.  That could be a blood letting and the orange plasma will flow liberally through the canals surrounding the Gainesville Swamp.    As for the Mountaineers they did what they were supposed to do and laid wood on East Carolina.   They have Cincinnati in Morgantown this weekend.  I think I'll take in that game.  Perhaps a surf report logo sighting is in order.  I'll let you know.  

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