by "Buck"

June 15, 2005

I keep hearing ads on the radio, "Name a star after your loved one."
What the fuck?   I guess, according to the commercial, you can actually have a star somewhere "up there" named for somebody….for a small fee of course.   "A gift that will shine forever!" brags the ad. Let me just say if any of you are planning on naming one of our
heavenly bodies Moonshine Buck, forget it.  I'm pretty sure if I woke
up on Christmas Day with a certificate for a star in my name I'd punch
the fucker who gave it to me in the mouth.  I don't mean to be
ungrateful, but how about a pressure washer?  How about a new
arc-welder?  How about a new set of waders, a set of wrenches, or
role of Copenhagen?  Even a quart of brake fluid makes a better gift
than naming a star after somebody.  What a fucking cheapass, piss
poor way to honor somebody.  I'm pretty much convinced that there are probably only about 10-stars set aside for this… and thousands of
people believe it's "THEIR STAR."  Nice fucking gift.

My yard lies on the border of a jungle.  I've been fighting back the
said jungle for five years now and have managed to tame it back to a
forest.  I'm able to mow some of the old junk area—and thought I'd
removed all of the rocks that posed a danger to my mower.  I learned
the hard way that isn't true and now have to get a new blade.   I bent that sucker like a broke dick dog on Sunday.

Speaking of mowing, it was hotter than hell out there.  I was
sweating so much, I'm pretty sure that without noticing my body has
sprouted a new set of glands.  I looked like a jumped in a fucking
swimming pool.. Shit.

So Michael Jackson walks….there's a shock.  Wouldn't you hate to be
the district attorney in L.A.   Nobody with power and influence is
beatable in a supposed court of law.  On the other hand, maybe Michael Jackson didn't touch a pee-pee.  Maybe OJ didn't slice off
two heads.

Mr. Kay has bought the full season of 24.  Be sure and let me know
how it ends.  Perhaps I didn't relate my tale of woe, if so, here's a
retract.  I watched every episode of 24 this year.  Typically I'm not
lured in by drama, but this one had me riveted and I religiously
watched every episode this season---they hooked me in on SuperBowl Sunday.  Wouldn't you know on the night of the season finale, my power went out 10-minutes into the show…and came back on with five minutes left.  It's the first time in HISTORY we've had a power failure.  I live 10-minutes from the power plant!!  Wotta ripoff.

Maybe I don't watch enough TV to be familiar with how it works.  The
other night I ordered Friday Night Lights on Pay per View.  Just
after the climax, there was a scene in which a station wagon was
driving down a street with a Christmas tree strapped on the roof.  I
took the remote to turn down the volume, but without looking hit the
wrong button and actually turned the channel.  Now, I should have
been able to simply flip it back.  Oh no.  It actually CANCELLED my
movie.  If I want to see the last five minutes of the film, I have to
pay another $3.95.  Again, let me know how it ends.

Am I the only one that is constantly pissed off at the incompetence of store clerks?   I was at Home Depot the other day and asked for
four-bags of red mulch.  This purchase came a day after I had
purchased two bags of red mulch.  The previous day I paid 2.50 per
bag, the second day, the clerk charged me 3:00 per bag.  I pointed
out this error and she had to fill out a clipboard.  A FUCKING
CLIPBOARD OF MISTAKES!!!!!!  This should have been my first red flag.  Then I noticed on my ticket after being "rung up" that she had
ordered five-bags not four.  I pointed out this error….back to the
clipboard.  However to get my 2.50 back I would have to walk up to the return desk.  The store is in Scott Depot, West Virginia…the return desk must have been in Columbus, Ohio.  I got up there and as I walked up I was immediately forced to shit my pants when that… "You stole some of our shit" sensor went off.   I had nothing on me save the receipt.  The blonde gum chewer told me only that it was on the fritz and to ignore it.   She reached over and UNPLUGGED it.  Isn't this the store where, "You can do it and we can help." ??????   She finally credited my account and I chartered a bus back to lawn and garden where I waited a full 20-minutes for one a member of the Orange Apron Cult to load my mulch.  It was four fucking bags…I could have loaded it myself, but was told on no uncertain terms that all such activity must be handled by a trained specialist.    All in all a very unsatisfying experience.

I have mixed feelings about these 40-acre lumber stores.  On the one
hand, you can't beat their selection…if you need it, they've got it.
However, you better know what you need because I'm not sure half of these flunkies have any clue.   I was there the other day looking for a replacement window for a door.  I've never installed such a thing, but it looked harmless enough.  The door was standard size and I had my measurements.   The Rhodes Scholar running the widow/door department stared at me as I related my needs as if I was being birthed by a walrus.  Following a long period of concentration, a check of his handy-dandy computer, a quick call to the front desk (long distance charges applicable) and a consultation with a book the size of the Guttenberg Bible he proclaimed they had no such part. He said the repair kit was only 95-dollars cheaper than buying the entire door.  The entire door was going to cost $250… another $250 to install.  I left with a dark cloud hanging over my head.  

Monday, I went to a glass specialist in Jeff's native Dunbar, WV.  They had the standard, sealed, tempered, double pane, door window replacement for $120 in stock.  They explained it was very simple to install, told me how, and even GAVE me a tube of sealant.   It took a little effort, but the window was replaced with few difficulties. Now—how hard was that?  In some cases you pay a little more for the private guy, but I'm finding more and more if you want carpet—go to a CARPET store, if you want windows go to a WINDOW store, if you want appliances deal with an APPLIANCE guy who works on his own shit.

That should do it for today…..any questions or glowing comments…. Moonshinebuck@gmail.com  Any complaints… go fuck yourself.

Buck Out

                            <<previous next>>

                                    
                 The West Virginia Surf Report!