by "Buck"

September 4, 2003

BIG SCREW UP -- I write this column under a cloud of anonymity, therefore to get too detailed with what happened over the weekend threatens to blow that cover.  However, it needs to be pointed out that I made a huge mistake at work.  It caused a lot of headaches for a lot of people and I was solely to blame.  I'm a big enough man to admit when I screw up-and I also am proud to say it doesn't happen very often.  However, one of my duties over the weekend slipped my mind and that caused great pain and suffering.  Not the kind of pain and suffering that would have occurred had I been the safety control guy at Dow Chemical or the guy in charge of making sure the detonators were set on the bombs to drop on Baghdad.    The pain and suffering I caused was more of the total aggravation variety.     Now that the workweek has resumed, I fully anticipate a forced bowel evacuation by the higher ups.  I'm ready to face the music, cheeks spread apart.

DOVE HUNTING - I'm a big outdoorsman and was thrilled with the opening day of dove hunting season.   I went Monday and came home thoroughly disgusted.   I guess when you really look at it, dove hunting carries few of the actual things that go along with hunting.  First of all, it's 90 degrees and you're wearing a tee-shirt, some hunters had no shirt at all.   Second, the hunt involves very little physical exertion.  You simply hide in the weeds and wait for an unsuspecting dove to fly overhead-then blast him.    The true challenge of dove hunting is accuracy. They're about the size of a softball, fly in excess of 60 miles an hour, and can twist and turn on a dime.   When one would fly over, it was literally like a war had broken out with dozens of shotguns going off.  All of those pellets would rain down on the opposite end of the field.    I came away troubled because of a lack of doves and a lack of success.  I only got one-and only had about three fly over.  I guess I should be happy with 33% success since the average is seven shots for one dove killed.   Plus the whole deal was scuttled by four-o'clock when a violent Noah's Ark type thunderstorm moved in.  The best shooting usually comes between 4:30 and dark.  So much for being there at the right time.

FOUL MOUTHED SCHOOL KIDS - I will readily admit that when I was in grade school I pressed the envelope when my parents weren't around.   I was known to utter some "grown up" words to express my utter disdain with the state of things-but I'm shocked how much the vocabulary has developed in only a few years.    I was at a high school football game Friday night.   I went to the concession stand to pick up a corndog and a Pepsi (all reasonably priced I might add) and felt like I'd just stepped into a Teamsters rally.   Good grief, I heard the "f-word" used more in one sentence than I think I've heard in the past six months.    No big deal except it was coming from the mouth of a sixth-grade girl!     Perhaps Bravenet could establish a zone at the junior high.

SHITTY NEIGHBOR UPDATE - My worthless excuse for a neighbor has achieved a new low.  The shitbag is divorced from his wife, but she's still allowing him to live in the house under the guise that he's promised to "help her out."    About all his help involves is breathing the bought air from the AC unit.      The other day this degenerate was supposed to get his third grade daughter up and off to school.  That was his assignment for the day.  The sackless prick had dragged in at 3:30 in the morning drunk and was too hung-over to get out of bed.  As a result the little girl missed school.    We've told his ex a dozen times to grow a pair and give him the heave ho.   I think she's afraid it will come back to haunt her.  Good grief woman, the guy is a borderline child protective services case now.

PUBLIC RELATIONS NIGHTMARE - After much fanfare about the 100th anniversary of Harley-Davidson, the big secret guest performer for the event turned out to be none other than Elton John.   Who in the hell thought that was a good idea?    Why not ZZ Top, why not Willie Nelson, why not AC/DC... why not anyone on planet Earth other than that piece of shit.    That guy is as non-Harley as anybody I can think of.   I can just imagine the pierced, tattooed, leather clad, beer swilling, and bitch smacking crowd's reaction to that big announcement.    Dan Aykroyd was the M-C and had a pretty good line in the ceremony.   "Would the owner of the bile-green 1996 Yamaha Enduro please pick up your heap.  It's hanging in a tree down by the harbor."    Good stuff.

FAMOUS WEST VIRGINIANS - I'm reading a book about Jerry West's life story.  "Mr. Clutch - The Jerry West Story" is fascinating.   I never really knew what a miserable existence he seemed to live in the glory days.    After reading about his high school and college experience, I get the feeling he was nothing more than a lonely, backward, poor kid from "up the holler."  I guess that makes his story of success even sweeter.    You sort of like stories where humble folks make the big time and don't forget it.  

FAMOUS WEST VIRGINIANS II - I suppose my next book will be "I'm A Soldier Too, the Jessica Lynch Story."  It's supposed to be out in November.  I guess I've been thoroughly sucked in by the whole "poor girl leaves home because she can't find a job, joins the Army, and through no fault of her own survives a harrowing ordeal and comes back a hero" thing.   I'm really interested to learn exactly what happened.  There have been 18-different versions of the story.   The story began as Jessi Lynch acting like Jessie James and shooting the shit out of everybody until her gun ran out of ammo.  Americans --West Virginians especially -- love that John Wayne shit.   Then the story turned to Jessi and her comrades didn't bother to clean their guns and they all jammed without firing a shot.   The latest claims she got hurt in a car wreck trying to get the hell out of Dodge.   The government maintained forever she had amnesia and couldn't recall anything-now that she's discharged and there's a one-million dollar contract for a book-she has total recall.  The story there, I'm certain, is that the Army wouldn't LET her tell the story while still in the service.    The Army, the U.S. Government, and the media should all be ashamed of the way they've used the poor girl as a pawn in a twisted effort to either gain support for the war or in the media's case-boost ratings and destroy the Army during wartime.   Through it all the only one without blame is Jessica Lynch.  God bless her and thank goodness she and her family will get to cash in and not some grubby media moguls or lawyers.   I have no problems ponying up the cash for her book knowing she'll get the royalties.

FURTHER EVIDENCE - I normally look at Mr. Kay's "Further Evidence" file and completely flip out.  Occasionally here at work the firewall won't even allow me to access some sites.   However, this week's "Tard Blog" was amazing.   At first I was appalled and offended at how these teachers were relating flippant stories and remarks about these poor retarded children.   However, as I read on I realized a few things.   First, thank goodness we have people willing to do this kind of work.  Second, I cannot imagine the patience a teacher or more so a parent has to have to endure this stuff.  Third, I came to the conclusion that the teachers posting on here were doing nothing more than venting a lot of aggravation with humorous prose.   I can appreciate that since I do it all the time. All of the children's names have been changed or removed.  None are identified by school and the blog is aimed at other Sped teachers-who certainly can relate.  Therefore I wasn't offended and if it keeps them sane, fine.   Those who would jump bad on these ladies and berate them for insensitivity ought to do a year in a Sped classroom with these kids and see how much sanity they have left. 

FOOTBALL UPDATE - I have to work like 900 hours Friday and Saturday, so it's doubtful I'll take in a high school game this week.   The Mountaineers made a decent showing against Wisconsin last week and should knock the shit out of East Carolina on the road this Saturday.   My beloved Volunteers of Tennessee dusted Fresno State, but not as badly as I had hoped.   Hopefully they were saving some of that can of whoop ass for Marshall this weekend.  Marshall struggled against Hofstra-there's a powerhouse-and some of the faithful to the Thundering Turd here at work actually believe they can win this weekend.   I won't go so far as to say it won't happen.   Tennessee has an even bigger and more important test against Florida.    I'm hoping for my sanity they create a smack down on Marshall-then pull all important players so they don't get hurt for the Gators.   We shall see.   

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