by "Buck"

January 13, 2005

I am irritated when I try to have a conversation with some people.   There are a few words and phrases that I wish we could find a way to have stricken from our everyday vernacular.

"All about"  (eg. I'm all about going to the beach) What exactly does this mean?  Where did it come from?  If you're all about going to the beach, does that mean you have hair made out of seaweed?   When I talk to you will I feel like somebody filled the crack of my ass with sand?  Come on.

"Like"  (eg.  I'm, like, all about going to the beach)  Isn't like a verb?  I like going to the beach.  I'm noticing that the term "like" is becoming a substitute for "uh" for dumbasses and high profile sports figures.

"You know" (eg. I'm, like, you know, all about going to the beach)  This is another really abused phrase by overpaid sports figures.  For meanness, I once counted 16 "you know's" in a clip with some basketball player that lasted about 20-seconds.  Occasionally some will take this to a new extreme and add "You know what I'm saying?"   To be honest, I have NO fucking idea what you're saying.

"Za" short for pizza.  Are we too lazy to say BOTH syllables?

"Closure" (eg.  Finding the mutilated body of their daughter under the bridge after she was missing six months gave the family closure.)   Why are we so fixated on this term?  Why must there always be some conclusion to every tragedy?  Does finding a body truly mean there's "closure" as defined by the media?  If they found my daughter under a bridge, there wouldn't be closure-there would be another layer of tragedy to deal with.  This is a term invented by reporters to allow THEM, not the victim's family, to move on to the next story. 

There are plenty more.. but aren't fresh on my mind.  I'll try to give commentary as they hit me when I'm penning this column.

Much like our ill friend Metten, I'm suffering from severe writer's block today-it comes and goes, but I can sympathize when you have little to impart, but  there's a deadline to be met, hence the vocabulary lesson above.

I'm looking forward to this weekend.  It's the annual West Virginia Toughman competition in Huntington.  I attend this event every year and from time to time can score ringside seats.  There's just nothing like a night of watching hollow monsters beat the living shit out of each other and during the breaks watching tawdry sluts flash their near nakedness to a bunch of drunken rednecks.  Last year I took the fish along.  Jeff can link you to some of those.  It's all great fun. 

Our state capitol here in West Virginia is undergoing some external repair.  For several weeks now, the entire golden dome has been covered in some kind of a wrap as the process of re-gilding-or some shit is done underneath.  In all reality however, it looks like West Virginia's monument to safe sex.  See for yourself. 

A couple of people with whom I work are into this on-line dating deal.  They use services like Yahoo Personals, Match.com, and other such deals to get dates.  I took a look at some of this and aside from the fact that you might be paired with a homicidal maniac, it looks intriguing.  I've been out of the dating game for about 15-years now, but I can see it being a pretty good way to go.  It's sort of like shopping for dates in a catalog.  Some of the women on there are fairly attractive, making me wonder why in the hell they have to resort to the Internet?  They couldn't find a guy on their own?  Some of them look like girls I knew in high school and college who were never short of companionship.  I've also come across a few that are ripe for fraud.  My co-workers tell me if they look too good to be true, they very likely are.  For instance I saw one the other day that had a fairly bland profile that was fully believable, but had a picture of  Jessica Simpson posted.  The people I work with have a lot of dates from this and most have been pleasant from what I'm told.   It would have been very helpful in my "shopping" days. since most women would see me and be repulsed, but if they're shopping it on the open market-they are at least willing to take a chance.  In the immortal words of Jed Clampett, "Computerized datin', what'll they think of next?"


In last week's column, I went ape-shit about people telling me what to eat and what not to eat, will an addendum to that.  Like many, I decided to give healthy living a try for the new year. (Yes, I know it's a dumbass idea and I'll be back to wings and beer soon) but I decided to give tuna fish a try.  I hated the shit when I was a kid, but have noticed over the years I've developed a tolerance and even a desire for food that used to taste like dog turds.  Broccoli and tomatoes are a couple of examples.  I bought some kind of mixing shit from Kraft that creates instant tuna salad.  You know, the shit is pretty good.   A can of tuna and a squirt of the creamy salad jizz makes two sandwiches and it's really healthy, only a few grams of fat.  Hell I could eat this everyday and become that Jared fucker.  NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!  Now I read that you should only eat tuna about once a week or your system will be overloaded with mercury or some other ungodly heavy metal that will rot out your intestines.  For God's sake people, make up your fucking minds, is it going to save me or kill me?

Speaking of diets, I continue to threaten to give Atkins a shot-with a twist of caveman.  I've decided I could live on meat alone.  I'm nearly ready to shed the yoke of omnivorous and go pure carnivore.  I'm looking forward to filet mignon with a side of sirloin tips.  Perhaps a full plate of pulled pork barbecue or a potted meat sandwich-using bologna as bread.  Yes, I think this would be nice. 

Did anybody catch Randy Moss' hair during last weekend's game?   What the hell. it was the most ridiculously oversized afro since Fletch Lives.   He's 6'0, 6'5 with the afro.  Sweet sainted mother of Julius Irving.  He then went through the motions of pulling down his pants and shooting the moon at the Green Bay crowd.  He's got nuggets and loves to be the center of attention doesn't he? Oh, by the way. he's a West Virginia native, though I doubt he'd admit that.

Well, I swallowed the hook that Fox was trolling viewers with during the latter part of the Vikings/Packers game.  The incessantly promoted the season premier of "24."  I stuck around and watched both hours of this terrorist attack on America drama.  Monday night, I watched the second two hours-and now I'm hooked.  It's an interesting concept.  Every episode documents one hour in a crisis situation where the US sits teetering on the precipice of Armageddon.  Inside of the plot are all of these power struggles among those in the Counter Terrorism Unit.  You've got a ball-breaking bitch that runs the thing, but apparently is incompetent.  A rebel agent who was fired for a heroin addiction, but is reinstated to help work the crisis---he's street smart though and knows what to do, but must do it behind the back of ball breaking bitch.  A smoking hot computer genius doesn't trust the ball breaking bitch and works on the inside with the rebel agent-she also enlists the help of a dumpy, middle-age computer nerd.  You have another computer genius hottie who can't seem to decide whose side of this inner office fight she's on and a power hungry weasel that has the goods on everybody and is using the whole thing to try and work her way up the agency ladder.   Now you're up to speed and you can watch it every Monday at 9:00. 

Buck Out

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