by "Buck"

August 28, 2003

WHO'S AT THE DOOR?  I talked to a woman at a picnic the other day that had an amazing story.   This woman's husband is constantly traveling so she's home alone a lot.  The other night she says she went to the door at 2:00 in the morning when the doorbell rang.  She flung open the door and standing on her porch were four guys dressed like the band KISS.     She says they wanted to use the phone because they had just jumped off a train that passed the house and needed to call for a ride since they jumped off 30-miles from where they needed to be.    Her husband, who happened to be home, soon rounded the corner and they backed off of their need for the phone.    As the woman told this tale I was amazed that she was most shocked that somebody could jump off a train doing 50-miles an hour.  The fact that KISS had just shown up trying to gain access to her home and gang-rape her didn't seem to have crossed her mind.     The fact wasn't lost on the hubby who's purchased an alarm, a dog, and a gun.   Smart moves all.

HOMEOWNERS ASSN.  The homeowners association has agreed to pay for a pipe to be installed between the home of me and my neighbor.    Ours were the last houses built and therefore our yards are former dumping grounds for all of the construction debris from the rest of the development.    We're also at the lowest point where all of the water drains and there's a ditch between our homes was never properly crafted.    He and I will likely get a mattock, shovel, and wheelbarrow and fix it right.   Boy, I'm sure looking forward to that with the mercury creeping toward 100 and high humidity.    At any rate thought it will drain the West Nile pit that sit in the street.

POLITICAL POWER GRAB   The rest of the nation is getting a chance to see the small-town, bush-league, courthouse bullshit that we deal with on a daily basis here.     Routinely in the sniper investigation the Charleston Mayor and the Kanawha County sheriff have been live on all of the major news shows.      The sheriff held a press conference the other day in which he was talking about a bb-gun being shot at a car that was not connected to the Sniper.  No Shit Dick Tracy!    The national reporters were eating his lunch as he continued to talk in circles and bringing up shreds of information that I heard somebody say on the radio they were sitting at the same Bob Evans where Chris from Boone made a name for himself and overheard the national press reporters talking about the local yokels and laughing.   We try not to be inbred hillbillies, but every step forward is three backward.

HOLY SHIT   A guy that I've gotten to know pretty well in the last couple of years took a pistol and blew his brains out Saturday night.    He left a wife and two kids-one of them autistic-and his wife has no job.   Life insurance is garbage because he did himself in.   A part of me is saddened at the tragic loss of a good friend; the other half is pissed off that he would leave his wife in such a predicament.    Plus, I had NO idea this was even close to being possible.   He was a pretty level headed guy, a 165 IQ and card carrying member of Mensa.  Yes, I know-it's baffled me that I know a Mensa member-but nevertheless.    He apparently had a lot of debt and a lot of stress.  I just don't see how that works out to be the answer.

WHERE IN THE HELL   I heard a story on the radio the other day about a big pot bus in McDowell County, West Virginia.   They found 2,000 plants on "Bug Hurley Hollow Mountain" near Jolo.    West Virginia is rife with place names that are unbelievable.  Every collection of three or more houses has a name-and in most cases a zip code.   Jolo is actually kind of a famous place.   That's the home of the world's most famous snake-handling church.  All those documentaries you see about people feeling up rattlers were shot at tent revivals in Jolo, WV.

SWIMMING  I went to the pool in Nitro, West Virginia last Sunday.   I'm not a big pool guy because I'm president of the bad body club.   However, once I see some of the other flab being flaunted, I actually feel like a stud.   I never thought women could have a shed-but so help me a woman in a bikini actually had a gut hanging over the bottoms to the point they couldn't be seen.  Scary.    I'm also amazed at the tattoo craze.   I don't have a tattoo since they don't come off-and I'm sort of chicken.   I always envisioned tattoo chicks as party animals that have a wild side.   Eventually they grow out of that, get married, have kids, and bring them to the pool. So here are a dozen "Mommies of the Year" with the most beautiful and precious children you've ever seen...and they have a tattoo of a skull with a knife through it on their back shoulder.  Scary. 

POOL PRICES  The town where I live doesn't have just a swimming pool; we have a "WAVE POOL"  Woooooo!  Big Wavy Pool-bullshit.   There's a wave pool and two waterslides.  That's great for all the middle school hormonal freaks that get their jollies out of the X-games.  What about the rest of us?  What about old shitbags like me who want to just sit in the water and stew?  What about little kids who can barely walk and need a wading pool?   What about the tattooed women who don't want to get their peroxide hair wet?  Plus-who in the hell can afford $7.50 for all this?    Then there's $3.00 for a 16 oz fountain Pepsi.   The pool in Nitro cost $3.00 and it was a nice place.   It had all that I could ask for: tattooed pool mammas, a deep end, a shallow end, slides, and a wading pool for the toddler.  Nitro offered corn dogs for .75 and pop in a bottle for a dollar.   Popcorn for .50.   It was like the heavenly pool.    There was no screaming, out of control, smartass middle school shitheads causing problems.  It was actually a pleasant pool experience. 

SWEET HOME ALABAMA  This thing is on cable so I guess I'll see it 100 times before next month.  Anyway I watched it again for the same reasons...1.  Reese Witherspoon is HOT    2. The characters are all like the people I grew up with.    I did notice there was another piece of sacrilege in the film.    I don't care how you package it up; Jewel cannot sing "Sweet Home Alabama."  She was singing over the credits at the end.  During the show the song was sung by a group called "Cornbread."  They did a respectable job because they are the kinds who were meant to sing the song... Skynyrd wannabes with a redneck garage band playing the local county fair.  

FOOTBALL SEASON  Holy cow, it's football season already.   High school football starts this Friday night in West Virginia.   High School football in this state, much like it was back in Virginia, is a second religion.  Westmoreland Coal Company used to shut down its shifts on Friday night because everybody went to the game. If you wanted to commit a home burglary, Friday night was when it should be done because everybody was at the game.    Plus college football starts this weekend.  My beloved Tennessee Volunteers open up with Fresno State on Saturday.  W.V.U. opens with Wisconsin.  I like the Mountaineers, but fear they'll get a shit kicking.  Marshall opens with Hofstra-but then they'll hopefully take their own shitkicking next week when they travel to Knoxville to play Tennessee.    If they don't, I'll never hear the end of it.

SNIPER UPDATE  It's been almost two weeks now and as of this writing nobody else has been shot.   They have confirmed however that all three bullets came from the same gun.   There is a composite sketch of a guy they are looking for.  Nobody can be sure if he's a suspect or a witness.  They're also looking for a dark colored, extended cab F-150.  In WEST VIRGINIA!!!  Yeah that's really narrowing it down.  

BEST FOOTBALL GAMES I'VE BEEN TO    I was at the 1989 Auburn/Tennessee game when Auburn was driving for a winning field goal with only a few seconds left on the clock.  They were headed toward the end zone where the students were sitting-big mistake.  They were number one in the nation and we weren't about to let them win.  Students, led by yours truly and a bottle of Dickel's, stormed the field and tore down the goal post.    There was a picture of me on the front of the Knoxville News Sentinel-I was the one guy you always see clinging to the crossbar above the mob.   I was hanging by my legs and one arm.  IN the other hand was the G-D bottle.    My dad saw this display on CBS Television.   He must have been quite proud. 

JESSICA LYNCH   The National Inquirer is reporting it's splitsville for our newest war heroine and her baby cakes.     I really feel sorry for that girl.   Facing the Iraqi Army and POW torture was probably a vacation compared to the vicious shit our own media and people dish out.   All over the Internet everybody's got an opinion about her.  What the hell?   She was doing what she was told, things got fucked up, and she was lucky to survive.  End of story, glad you're home, hope you feel better soon, and give us a call if you need anything.   That's how most of her neighbors in West Virginia handled it.    Now the damn National Inquirer is hounding her.  The paparazzi in Wirt County, West Va.   Do they have no shame?    Leave the girl alone and let her live!

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