by "Buck"

December 2, 2004

Well, what is up in the world today.  I see where Dan Rather is retiring.  I'd like to kick his ass.  I bet I could do it too.he acts like a big pussy.  I'm sure you folks in Texas are SOOOOO proud to claim him as a native.  What a dick.

I went to the mall on black Friday.  I hate the fucking mall, but something just told me to be there.  I envisioned some very bitter battles for the likes of a Tickle-Me-Elmo or some such nonsense.  I didn't realize I had to be there at fucking 2:00am to see the main event.  Fuck Dat - as Jeff Kay says. 

I do have a few memories of some really weird shopping  experiences.   Do you remember "Blue Light Specials" at K-Mart?  K-Mart has fallen so far from grace, I doubt they can even afford that tacky blue-light to move around the store anymore.  However, when I was a kid, K-Mart was considered THE place to shop.  I recall sitting in "The Grill" with my parents just as they announced a Blue Light Special on those big metal garbage cans.  The cans were going on-sale for 99-cents or something for the next five-minutes.  In preparation for this "big" special, the Rhodes Scholar who managed that department of the Kingsport, Tennessee K-Mart decided it would be best if they were stacked telescoping style.  There they were-five stacks of trash cans.  I shit-you-not, they were stacked all the way to the roof of the place.  Einstein turned on the police bubble and made his announcement.  It looked like that Capitol One commercial where the Huns invade a place.  People came flying down the aisles and literally topped the towers of galvanized steel.  You can imagine the sound that 100 steel trash cans make as they are crashing to a concrete floor.  What's more, they were stacked so high they didn't just hit the floor, they were toppling like trees across the shelves of other departments.  One of the stacks fell through the opened windows of "The Grill" and landed on a table where some people were eating.   Food went flying everywhere.  Pandemonium ensued as it was asses and elbows with trash cans flying all over the place.  About half of the panicked shoppers were trying to get their grubby paws on a pale and matching lid, while the other half were running for their lives and trying to protect their children from this insanity.  I'm not exaggerating any of this.  People were screaming, shoving, throwing punches, merchandise was flying everywhere, and the manager was trying to restore at least some order.  I saw one lady using a lid as a shield trying to get away.  This went on for about 15-minutes and eventually the police were called to breakup the riot at the K-Mart.  My mom and dad sat and watched this in near disbelief-as did I, no more than five or six years old.  I recall Dad laughing his ass off over the whole thing.  Later, after the madness had ended, we were in the automotive department---a good three sections away and found two trashcans and one lid.  They were all dented and scratched.  It was classic.

My brother once worked at a Super K-Mart in the meat department.   His manager set him up one time, telling him to stack frozen turkeys in a cooler and he was going to put them on sale for 99-cents a pound.   The cooler wouldn't hold all of the turkeys, so the announcement was made, and hordes of people began grabbing.  He tells me it started in an orderly fashion, but as they dwindled he tried to move them from the pallets to the cooler and another trash-can incident was about to unfold.  People began grabbing them off the pallet, out of his hands, and soon there were frozen Butterballs sliding down the aisles of the place.  He said frozen solid-turkeys were bouncing like basketballs all over the meat department.  Finally he said "Fuck It" and abandoned his post.. leaving all hell to break loose until the white-meat feeding frenzy was over.  His boss said, "Got rid of those fucking turkeys didn't we?"  Wotta douche.

My brother had another K-Mart story from Christmas.  He worked there when people were holding others for ransom over the Tickle-Me-Elmo.  Some redneck in the meat department saw them stocking up for Black Friday-and went out and bought five of them.  Soon after they were sold out-people were going ape shit and threatening to burn down K-Mart.  He went out the back door-and was selling them in the parking lot out of the bed of his pickup truck.  He got 500-dollars out of one of the damn things!   Holy sheep-shit!

Well, here we go.. the Mountaineers have been invited to play in the Gator Bowl against Florida State, and the dumbasses have accepted the bid.  West Virginia fans should begin bracing themselves for a four-square ass whuppin.  The Mountaineers, with the exception of some strange twist of fate a couple of years ago-NEVER win their bowl games.  They played in the Gator Bowl last year-and when they arrive for the first practice this year will likely still find bits of their asses in Jacksonville from the licking Maryland put on them.  It's hard to be a Mountaineer fan.  You get sucked in by the allure that they might do something but when shit's on the line.. they ALWAYS choke.  It's no wonder people in this state get so bitter and defensive.. 

Speaking of bitter and defensive.. Jack Black wore this t-shirt in School of Rock and now I can buy one.

Or maybe this one would suit me better?  Shouldn't I be getting a royalty off that or something?   I need to consult the Surf Report legal advisory team (Jeff keeps them on retainer for all regular columnists).

This one will likely be under the tree in Lyndie England's home this year.

I could go on... how about this for you Martha Stewart fans?

I got to go.  For the record... four deer in the freezer.  

Buck Out

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