by "Buck"

May 20, 2004

I was pleased this week to read the guest column from the Angry White Guy.  While we disagree on some points, he puts a lot into his work and I admire him.  Chris, I'm envious at your wide knowledge of the world of politics, music, pop culture, sports and other areas that make your work far superior to any of the foolishness I try to gin up here on a weekly basis.  I was particularly impressed with the American Pie analogy-masterful work.  Don't be a stranger.

Truthfully, this column is about mundane shit that happens to me on a routine basis.    I'm truly amazed that anybody reads it, but if it brings a few chuckles, what the hell.   As I always say, if you liked it great!  If you didn't "Go Fuck Yourself."

Since our last communiqué I have reassessed my previously held position on the Iraqi prison deal.   I, like many, was amazed when I saw the piles of homo-erotic Iraqis at the Ali-Babba Temple of the Shriners Prison.   I still don't think that's anyway to treat people-but this is war and shit happens.  My thinking changed when I watched that video of Nick Berg's head being cut off.  If you haven't seen it, it's chilling to say the least.  I'll leave it up to Mr. Kay if he wants to post a link so that you can see it.  Our soldiers are fucking around and put a pair of panties on somebody's head while he's tied up.  So what.  There are people in the U.S. who actually PAY to be treated that way.   This apparently helps gather information on who Ahab the Arab plans to blow up next-information that can be useful   As a counter punch, they CUT OFF a guy's head.  From here on in, Fuck Them.  I think it's time to stop playing around with these fuckers.   So we embarrassed you a bit by having a girl point at your little dick, so we piled you into a skin pyramid and snapped some photos.  If you'd just tell us what we need to know to keep from having American asses blown off we wouldn't have to resort to such tactics. Should we have done it? No.  Should somebody be punished?  Sure.  Should we retaliate and kill the fuck out of these extreme assholes who lopped off a guy's head live on the internet?  DAMN STRAIGHT.

I have a theory about the grab-assing in the prison.   I read one news account that indicated the abuse on some of these came after our guys learned they may have been the ones who sexually assaulted Jessica Lynch.  Well, Lyndie England is from West Virginia and another of the guys used to live in West Virginia.  If I've learned one thing about this state, it's that wet stick together.  If you fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us.  These Sand Masters haven't seen a war until a bunch of rednecks open up a genuine Appalachian Jihad on their ass.  This may have been the "root cause" that so many of the stuffed shirts on TV want to find.   Just a thought. 

Is Senator Byrd driving again?  I saw this in my rearview mirror on I-64 near Cross Lanes, West Virginia last week.

I headed up to Sutton Lake last weekend for a relaxing weekend of camping and fishing.   As luck would have it, things went to hell early.   I wanted to leave work early, but got tied up and left late.  I got home and tried to assemble all of my shit.  Naturally, forgot some stuff and had to stop off at Sam Walton's Empire to stock up-yet another delay.   Going up I-79 I ran into this, which led to this.  We sat on the Interstate for two hours while the good ole boys with the Volunteer Fire Department smoked cigarettes, drank coffee, and noted how "busted up" the cars were in the accident.   I shouldn't make too many jokes here since it apparently fucked up the people, one of them had to be hauled out in a helicopter.

Such an incident offers an amazing look at West Virginia's community spirit.  Nobody had anywhere to go.  So everybody parked and walked around talking to each other.  It was a bizarre and eclectic mix of culture and social stature all tossed into one melting pot to co-mingle for a couple of hours.  A woman dressed fit to kill with a 3-caret diamond climbed out of a BMW and shared conversation with guys driving this truck who were wearing dirty t-shirts and Dale Earnhardt caps.  Truckers were talking to guys in Geo Trackers.  Rednecks were speaking with travelers from Canada.   People who had been near road rage only moments earlier were now making friends.  It was a very strange mix of humanity all sharing in commonality that we were stuck between the Dog-Balls and Cow's Ear exits near Bum Fuck , West Virginia where the gas pumps look like this and there's no cell service and no alternate route.   It reminded me of that scene in the Simpsons where all of the kids came out of their homes rubbing their eyes and seeing a whole new world when Marge managed to get the Krusty the Klown show banned from TV.  I almost thought by the end of the ordeal we would join hands and sing Kum-Bah-Ya. 

I finally got to the lake and of course it rained as we attempted to pitch the tent.  As soon as it was up-the sun came out.  It's the story of my life.

The better half and I are on a mission to try and visit as many different Dairy Queens as we can find.  We stopped at one in Eleanor, West Virginia the other day and it was like the 60's, 70's, and 80's never happened.  There are pictures hanging in the dining area of the store in 1955 and it looks exactly the same.   Dairy Queen tends to locate in the most rural of locations and they seem to all be owned by a mom and pop duo.  The one in Hurricane, W.Va. has an apartment upstairs.  I don't know about their franchising policy, but it doesn't seem too rigid.  If you have a building and a freezer-you're in.  This is a phenomenon I must further investigate.  Perhaps I'll make it a summer project and let you know how the visits are going.  

Here's our West Virginia Inmate of the week.  This winner has some notoriety, he was captured in Charleston this week after somebody saw him on America's Most Wanted.  He's been on the run since 1997 and is wanted in Oregon, California, and Minnesota on murder, rape, and shooting at police charges.  Police observed him even before they knew who he was.  The officer described him as "scruffy." 

Well, that's it for today-not much going on here.   Please let me know what you think or if there are suggestions to repair this much maligned column.   Direct comments to MoonshineBuck@yahoo.com

Buck Out

                               <<previous next>>

                                    
                 The West Virginia Surf Report!