by "Buck"

April 29, 2004

I've come up with a new daily ritual that I find a highly amusing way to waste time.   Each morning I go through the "daily bookings" for the West Virginia Regional Jail Authority.   You can enjoy this too!  Here's the link.  Once you've located the inmate's name, you can enter it into the "offender lookup" section and enjoy some of the eeriest and amusing pictures you'll find.  It's great entertainment to while away days looking at West Virginians at their worst.  Here are a couple of samples.  About the only information you do not get is what they've been charged with.

I finished last weekend with quite a sense of accomplishment.  I tore out an old box of landscaping that ringed a tree in the yard.   It was old and ratty looking.  I simply mulched the sucker down and left it there.  We also cruised over to the Home Depot to look around.  I really had no intention of getting anything going, but the weather was nice and the prices kicked Lowe's and Wal-Mart in the balls, so I bit and put in about 12 hours worth of landscaping work including the construction of a small retaining wall that I had been aiming to finish.  I also mowed and trimmed the lawn.  It was quite a productive weekend and we got it all in ahead of the rain.  Nice and thoroughly satisfying.

Following a long day of landscaping a man tends to whet up quite an appetite.  We showered and headed to Teays Valley home of the infamous Uno Chicago Grill-but we passed them for a new place I had been eyeing up for quite some time but had never visited.  Graziano's Pizza Parlor -WOW!  This was some kick-ass food.  I ordered a calzone fully expecting some heated up pre-made piece of cardboard with a few contents.   NO WAY.  This thing was awesome and the guys running the place were kick ass.   I'll definitely return and have found my new Italian food home.

I got a weird phone call the other night at my home about 12:30 at night.   Anytime the phone rings at that hour it's disconcerting and roused me from a deep sleep.  My first inclination was that I'd overslept and work was calling.   Once I realized that wasn't is, I assumed the worst and figured this was "The Call" to tell me somebody close had bought the farm.  Turns out it was some guy who claimed to have known me in school---college to be exact. I didn't remember him, but he kept talking and I quickly noticed his information about me was clearly gleaned from a phone book.  He played it pretty cool and I soon realized this was some drinking game with his buddies to see who could keep the sucker on the line the longest.  I played along for a few minutes to give him some props in the game-and then politely hung up.   He wasn't a dick-obviously that would have cost him precious minutes in the game.  I went back to bed, uncharacteristically unpissed, I was so happy it wasn't work and I had about two more hours of sack time that I couldn't really get angry.  Odd.  If he had called back I would have run the trace, found his home, and ordered a load of horse manure dumped into his driveway by dawn.

Creative ways of getting revenge.   The horseshit trick was one implored by a friend of mine from college.  His dad actually owned a horse farm and a dump truck.  He did that one night when he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him.  The guy was actually at her home and his car was parked in the driveway.  My buddy poured three tons of the shit right onto the back of his car and the driveway and drove away laughing.  That's a classic.  A guy I work with is a computer geek and can hack anything.  One guy who had been accepted to Harvard pissed him off in high school.  He hacked into the Harvard registrar and had the dude's name eliminated from all records.  The guy wound up NOT going to Harvard-that's excellent  I've documented my Fallujah like assault on a guy who got his car stuck in the middle of my dad's hayfield.  For those who missed it a guy got his Jeep stuck in dad's field and while he hiked out to get help, I shot it about 30 times with a high powered rifle.

For some reason I found this highly amusing. Be sure and have the speakers up as you tune in.   Doesn't she sound like a dog hit by a car?

My e-mail at work has a SPAM filter and then you can add to stuff you want blocked.  I feel like I'm rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.  For two weeks now I've put every single SPAM address into the filter.  I've even filtered out words like 'Big Cocks"   "Teens and Farm Animals"  "Suck on the BIG one" .  It's a losing battle.  Every single time I block one, three take its place.   Screw it.  I'd love to get hold of the shitasses that perpetuate this garbage and beat the fuck out of them with a steel rod.    Hell hath no fury like I would unleash on those sons of bitches. 

Speaking of Hell's fury, our treadmill, better known as the 700 dollar clothes rack, is on the fritz.   The readout that tells you how fast you're walking isn't registering.  It's blank.  My better half pulled out the manual and started following the directions in the troubleshooting category.  The read:  "Carefully remove the dust cover held in place by three small screws.   Lift the cover to expose the inner-workings of the unit."   That's it.  Take off the fucking cover.   The directions end there.  It doesn't say anything about a reset button or perhaps an adjustment that needs to be made.  Nope, just be careful and remove the dust cover.  Oh, it also mentions to unplug it-but that's some bullshit added by a nervous lawyer.  Well, from there we moved onto the "Service Hotline".  We called 1-800-my-treadmill-is-fucked-up.   Naturally we were treated to the strains of somebody giving us a complete rundown of numbers to punch.  

"If you are calling about problems with washing machines press one, lawnmowers press two, diaphragms press three.....if you are calling about treadmills, press 387."

From there you do the whole process again as you're problem is narrowed.   Fifteen minutes into the call you are finally treated the sweet strains of a human being.  Perhaps the delay in reaching a living, breathing being is to stifle your pissed-offedness about the fact that the son of a bitch speaks BROKEN ENGLISH and is headquartered in NEW DELHI!  I felt like I was talking to Apu from the Simpsons.   We asked him what the next step in the process should be once the cover is "carefully removed".  He said "Me no understand your problem---me schedule service visit?"   I visualized a 500 dollar repair bill for a 700 dollar treadmill/clothes rack.   Apparently the only phrase Apu knows is "Me schedule service visit to your home"  He said it no fewer than five times.   I had finally had enough-but the other half said, and I quote, "You are worthless you foreign fucker," and slammed down the phone.  I'm just guessing, but I have to believe she has a problem with the federal "outsourcing policy." 

A radio talk show here in West Virginia had Ted Nugent on this week.  The best line from the whole interview... the host said, "You were just in Pittsburgh weren't you?"   Nuge, "Yeah, they're still scraping up the bodies."  Classic.

NBC's Kelly O'Connell was on the Today show this morning chasing John Kerry all over creation.   I've always thought she was hot, but her choice of clothes for today's live-shot made her incredibly hot.    The picture in the bio doesn't show it, but she could was sporting a couple of Big Uns.

Our good friend Jason from the Peach State has requested suggestions on the ins and outs of homemade spirits.  Well I have some limited experience in this area.    Although I've consumed a good bit of White Lightening in my time-I've never actually made any.  I'm not real sure of how the distilling process works.  I am however familiar with those markings on the jug of XXX.  You may or may not realize what that means.    The liquor is run through the distilling process several times.   The more it's run, the more purity and the higher alcohol content.   Each X on the jug represents the number of times the contents have been distilled.    Keep in mind this is a Hillbilly product and X is about the only letter they know how to write-therefore a jug marked "X" was run once, the "XX" jug captured the second run, and the "XXX" jug was third..etc.  Three runs is about optimal since the dreaded "XXXX' (which I've never seen) would probably kill you.    Another hint here, a good shine maker knows that your still MUST be made of copper.  Copper will not release impurities during the distilling process.   Other metals can poison the booze.   There are some unscrupulous shine makers-the low rent set-who'll actually run it off through old automobile radiators.  You have to watch out for that.   The test if you're drinking shine of unknown origin is to take a spoonful and put a cigarette lighter to it.  If the flame burns blue, you're okay-if it's any other color, I'd advise not to drink it.  One note here, all of this is knowledge I've picked up over the years and isn't really scientific-so a disclaimer if you do hooch shooters and die of anti-freeze poisoning, don't blame me. 

Next week, I'll give a few times on making homemade wine and brandy.  I have done this and they are relatively simple.  Until then, have a good week and any suggestions or comments send them to MoonshineBuck@yahoo.com   Any complaints send them to fuckyou@upyourass.com

Buck Out

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