by "Buck"

April 22, 2004

My grandpa used to use the term "the squeaky wheel gets the grease."  I now know what that's like.  I also know what it's like to have all of the power and prestige of the President of the United States-well sort of.  

You'll recall in the update from the holler two weeks ago I busted out a restaurant called Uno's Chicago Grill.  Three straight trips to this place and I got screwed on service.  My anger stewed for so long that I finally turned it loose in a rational, but terse e-mail to the company's headquarters in Chicago.  I figured they'd hit the delete key as soon as they saw it was from West Virginia, but to my pleasant surprise a representative of the company called me.  We had a frank and truthful explanation of exactly how I was treated on three separate occasions.  I was fully ready to never darken the door again since an O'Charley's has opened two exits down and has awesome food.  However, the lady on the other end couldn't apologize enough.   In fact at one point in the conversation I'm pretty sure she offered to bare a couple of kids for me-complete with conception services.  I hung up convinced that somebody at the place in Teays Valley was on the verge of getting an ass chewing that very well could leave part of their colon hoisted into a plastic bag in the end. 

Two days later I received a $30.00 gift certificate-a full refund plus some for the meal I'd been screwed on.  A day later a packaged arrived from "Custom Cookies and Cakes." It was a bunch of cookies made into the Uno's logo with a business card apology.  They must have a lot of problems if they actually have a standard apology printed on business cards.

Against our better judgment, we redeemed the certificate Saturday, fully expecting a screw-job.  I didn't figure the people would know me from Adam, but to my utter amazement I was almost carried on a pillow.  I felt like the Godfather.  We had THREE waitresses at our table, the kitchen staff all stood at the door smiling and speaking as we came in and left, and all three managers on duty paid personal visits to our table and begged to know if any detail of the dining experience had been mishandled.  When we left, my wife and I looked and one another in disbelief.  The whole experience was surreal and we've concluded somebody from top to bottom of the franchise got an ass chewing that probably still hasn't stopped.    

Despite that, I'll probably start going to O'Charleys... we ate there a couple of weeks ago and it was great food and good service and we were unknowns.  I used to eat at the O'Charleys in Knoxville when I was in college.  It was a pretty popular spot during college.  However, there was a problem there last year when a bunch of people had to get tested for hepatitis last year.  It was big news here because a bunch of Marshall football fans had eaten there when they attended the Marshall/Tennessee football game.

Well the weather was fan-fucking-tastic this weekend in West Virginia. Three days and we haven't' seen a cloud.  It was 91 degrees on the in-car thermometer of my Blazer over the weekend.  I made the most of it and went to work on the landscaping.  I tried to plant flowers that are low maintenance and will come back every year.  However, the lady at the farmers market told me for them to spread and fill in the gaps I'd have to take up the fabric underliner and mulch.  That's concerning since I'll now have to fight weeds all summer.  I have a feeling the flower bed will look all white trashy by the end of summer when I finally say "Fuck it" and let the weeds take over.  Perhaps I should have planted them in a bathtub in the front lawn for the full-effect. 

I've seen some creative uses of garbage by West Virginians.  Here's a list of different planters I've seen implored in at least one West Virginia yard:

. Bathtub
. Commode
. Canoe
. Rear Tractor Tire
. Engine Block
. Bed of a pickup truck
. Washing Machine
. Well
. Paint cans
. Coffee cans
. Cottage cheese containers
. Water heaters cut in half

Plus, what's up with the painting of EVERYTHING in the yard?   It's not uncommon to see and entire yard in West Virginia painted gold and blue to express a deep affection for West Virginia University.    People paint their house, rocks, mailbox, a hundred tacky lawn ornaments, all in gold and blue. It's bizarre and at the same time very disturbing.  I saw another theme once in which a trailer was painted Red White, and Blue.   I'm all for patriotism, but come on... couldn't the same statement have been made by hanging a flag off the front porch?

I noticed something that had eluded me for quite some time last week.  Katie Couric has a huge ass.  Generally she's positioned on the Today show in such a way as to hide the largesse of her caboose.  However, she did an interview with some Army general about Iraq while the two of them stood in front of this wall-sized map.  The shot allowed a pretty good glance at her trunk and that's where I got the impression that she's running that thing on the overload springs.  It then dawned on me that every shot you see of her is either head and shoulders, waist hidden behind a desk, or in a chair with high arms.  She has awesome legs, but they are hooked to a butt that would make J-Lo look like a supermodel.  Not that any of that is important, I just noticed it.

While I'm on the subject of absent minded news anchors, I caught the interview on Good Morning American between Diane Sawyer and Jessica Lynch on the one-year anniversary of her rescue.  That had to be about the worse piece of television that has been portrayed as news.  Lynch didn't offer much more than "yes" or "no" answers and Sawyer's questions sounded like she was doing an interview for a high school newspaper.  Sad, sad, sad commentary on journalism.  The questions didn't have to be hard-hitting or even probing-since the story's well documented and there's little left to tell... but the entire conversation-which was apparently cut short because it was SOOOOO dull---sounded like two giddy school girls talking in the lunchroom about their weekend plans. 

Hey I finally went to the movies for the first time in more than a year.   We took in The Rock in Walking Tall.  I cannot decide, is he or isn't he African American?   He looked like a black guy in this one-but in the Scorpion King he looked like a dark white guy.  As for Walking Tall, I saw the original many years ago and also read the book; it's all a little fuzzy about whether this one parallels the old one.  However, the plot is very predictable, but it's definitely a guy's flick-minus the gratuitous nipple shot.  There's a slight love scene to keep the women half-interested.  There's one scene where he's in a viewing booth with a hot chick stripping-she turns out t be his high school sweetheart and is highly embarrassed.  There's another scene where he lays pipe on her.  Disappointingly, she never bares anything to make it worth being in the movie.  At any rate, despite those two slow parts-it's packed with the Rock kicking the living shit out of people, busting up a casino, and being a general bad ass.  Furthermore it has some sweet pickup trucks wigged out with roll bars, lift kits, etc. the redneck version of a Lexus.  However, if you're into those, be warned both are destroyed in some very painful ways.   Otherwise, it's a pretty good movie and extremely short-just barely over an hour.

An Easter Sunday tragedy back home.  Here's the article from the hometown paper.

Here's my review of the links left by Mr. Kay to keep us entertained while he was away on the sands of the Redneck Riviera

. Dave's Film-I never could get it to load on the computer at home and the firewall blocked it at work.  I'd like to know what it's all about.
. 40-Things a Drunk Should Know - It was okay, but after a while they dragged a little.
. Vertigo Pics - this was kind of interesting since I saw the original movie, but after a while I was left unfulfilled. 
. Diary of Chernobyl Biker - This one was my favorite.  I sent the link to a bunch of people.   That was a very good tour of something I knew very little about-other than a bunch of people were cooked in the 80's in the old Soviet Union.  I wish there had been more shots of the rider---she's a babe.
. Mispronounced English Words - Ain't it the truth.
. Action Comics - I've never been into comic books and the link held no interest for me.  I didn't visit.
. Nigerian Scammer - I looked at it, but couldn't really understand the whole concept.  I'm sure it's the height of comedic gold for Nigerians, but I didn't quite get the whole thing.
. Most Loathsome New Yorkers - It was pretty good except I didn't know a lot of the people and it didn't make a lot of sense to me.

I went to the circus over the weekend.  Generally in West Virginia a circus consists of one near dead elephant, a goat, a couple of broken down horses, and a bad fire hazard tent.  This however, was The Greatest Show on Earth from Ringling Brothers/Barnum and Bailey-the real deal circus and not some traveling gypsy caravan/carnival.  It was as always a well done show-but I must be getting old.  I fell asleep during the first act.

That's it for today, give me a holler if you've heard anything from the holler or want to say something about it.  The address MoonshineBuck@yahoo.com

Buck Out

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