by "Buck"

August 21, 2003

WATCH YOUR BACK - Everybody in Charleston is scared to get gas after dark. In the last week we've had no less than five murders in and around Charleston. One guy was shot in the face while talking on a payphone at a Go-Mart, another woman was shot while pumping gas at Speedway, and another guy was shot trying to pay for his gas at another Go-Mart. Two others were found dead in their car in a crack neighborhood. The first three were the work of some suspected sniper.  Good grief, I thought this place had the nation's lowest crime rate.  Now I know how those DC people felt during the sniper nut's rein last year. They're now saying we have a sniper of our own. I went to buy gas Sunday and it was packed, NOBODY is going to gas stations after dark. 

BLACKOUT - My sympathies to those of you who were forced to swelter in the heat of the non-a/c blackout last week. I live in West Virginia and we were fine. It's one of those few times we in West Virginia can say, "See it's better to live here in the middle of nowhere." From where I live a coal mine is 10-miles away and the power plant is five miles away. The only time we lose power is when a bird sits on the lines which were installed in the 1930's. 

BLACKOUT II - I think West Virginians handle blackouts better than New Yorkers. No offense, but we've learned to do without for so long that it's no more than a minor nuisance. Last winter an ice storm hit and a bunch of people were out of power for up to two-weeks. Actually some of them are probably STILL out of power. They pulled out generators, kerosene heaters, wood burning stoves, candles, and blankets. Many went out back and killed an animal or two to cook over an open fire. As for passing the time, every time there's a blackout people get together, huddling for warmth I guess and talk about the last time the power was off, and then have sex. There's always a big baby boom nine-months after a blackout. There was a news report the day the Duke and Duchess Convenience Store in Ripley finally had power restored after two weeks. In two hours, they sold out of beer and cigarettes. Gotta love that West Virginia spirit.

TODAY SHOW FREAKS - I'm convinced the guy who decided it would be a good idea to put part of the Today show out on the street was a lunatic. I watch the show at some point every day. Some segments are done on the streets of New York and people show up from all over the place with these idiotic homemade signs. Stuff like. "Hi Jill in Dorkchester, Iowa" Katie and Matt do their thing while these brain dead fools stand there like zombies with a goofy look on their face. They just stand their patiently waiting for the red light to come on, once they realize its on them-they jump up and down, shout, and all forms of foolishness. Usually by the time they realize they're on, the camera moves. There was an interesting one a few years ago when they were live at the Olympics in Salt Lake City. It was dark and about 20 below zero in Utah. There they were, in the snow doing their thing and a crowd gathered. One guy had a sign that read, "20 below and Katie is STILL Hot" Couldn't argue with that logic. It's almost become a tourist attraction, how sad.  

"What did you do on your vacation in the Big Apple?  Did you catch a Broadway show?  Did you go see the Statue of Liberty?  Did you visit Ground Zero out of respect?  Did you go to the Empire State Building, Metropolitan Museum, and Madison Square Garden?" "Uh, no we used crayons to make a sign that said 'Hello Aunt Zelda and Uncle Henry in Fooglestring, Mississippi' and stood for seven hours hoping to get it on the Today show behind Al's ever-diminishing ass for .14 of a second.   DID YOU SEE US? We were the ones beside the guy in black with the t-shirt that said 'We Were the World' and next to the fat woman with the Siamese twin babies."

God help us.  Maybe somebody could put the Surf Report Logo on the Today Show... that might be worth it.

SWEET HOME ALABAMA - I had a chance to see this movie on one of the cable movie channels Sunday.  I'm not a big movie watching guy, but for some reason I was moved to watch. My observations-1. Reese Witherspoon (sp?) is flat out HOT. Damn!  What a rack!  And the addition of the southern accent is a plus. A sweet sounding drawl with a "Bless your heart" at the end of ever phrase adds five hottie points immediately.   2.  This was a "chick-flick" but I have to admit the humor was some that I could relate to since I grew up in a small town and most of the stereotypes were very accurate.  3. One glaring inaccuracy-when the guy had to admit he was gay and all his lifelong good ole boy buddies accepted him. Nope sorry, that would never happen in a southern small town. 

THE PROGRAM - Another movie I took in over the weekend on cable.   Story line seemed pretty accurate about the seamy side of college football.  Dragged a little, but they had some great football action and any movie that shows a man's leg being broken in half on the field is a good film. Some great trash talk lines too.  I was especially moved by, "Hit the defensive end so hard his girlfriend dies."

LAWNMOWER WOES - When I moved to Charleston I sold my John Deere riding mower.  I have a lawn about an 8th the size of my old yard so I could barely turn this Cadillac of mowers around.  I got rid of it and bought a cheap Murray for $99 at Wal-Mart. It's a decent mower with no frills, but now it's on the blink. I removed the carburetor and there's a gasket with a small bladder that has come apart. It's more easily described if you've ever seen a piece of thick paper that is splitting in half. The problem is that's allowing air to escape and it's causing the engine to surge real fast, then slow down-usually dying. I've taken this thing apart twice and glued it back together with model glue, but it won't hold. In reality it should be replaced but you can't buy parts for this thing. What the hell?    Instead of being able to buy a 25-cent part, I have to junk a perfectly good mower and buy another 100-dollar piece of gear.    What a screwed up, disposable society in which we live. 

FANCY EATIN' - I went to Snowshoe Resort over the weekend.  It's a mountaintop village that during the winter is a ski resort, but they have all kinds of weird events during the summer. This time it was an archery tournament. A friend of mine said get here early and we'll go to dinner. He took me to the Red Fox. It's the closest I've ever come to five-star dining. The waiter put the napkin in my lap for me! I said what the hell and almost punched him for trying to grab my package.  It was the first of many weird events that I didn't understand. The menu had a STEEL cover!! I couldn't pronounce any of the shit on the menu and the waiter informed me they didn't have chili dogs! Fine dining my ass. It took a full four hours to eat this meal because they brought some crackers with some weird vinegar dip, then a half hour later brought some kind of soup that wasn't bad-but I'm still not sure what it was. Then they brought the salad another half hour later (No Thousand Island dressing-fine dining my ass). They finally got there with my prime rib two hours later. It was worth the wait. That was one damn fine slab of flesh.  I showed carnivorous tendencies and devoured a full one-pound of meat. I was disappointed to learn I didn't get a t-shirt for eating the whole thing. Later they brought pralines and cream for dessert-good shit. Then they brought a bowl of water with a lemon. I didn't know what the hell it was, so I was going to eat it like soup. I soon learned it was to wash your fingers... what the hell? I guess I'll never be cultured-it's too complicated and too expensive. All of that bullshit cost about 180 dollars for four people. I could have eaten meals for six months at Burger King for that kind of money. Gees.

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