by "Buck"

March 25, 2004

One thing I've noticed about West Virginians... they're VERY easily offended.  Perhaps it's because of years of living at the ass end of jokes about teen pregnancy, poor dental hygiene, incest, hillbillyism, and on and on and on.   People do make fun of us, but people make fun of everybody.   The latest example of West Virginia thin-skin is a t-shirt being hawked by Abercrombie and Fitch; everybody is all pissed off now including the governor who's asking that the t-shirts be destroyed.  The deal has even made the New York Times..

The trendy folks at Abercrombie and Fitch should take heed before an Appalachian Jihad is declared and their mall outlets are besieged by shotguns and pitchforks.  Sometimes I think we bring this shit on ourselves.

Do they still make Borax Soap?   I remember when my mother used to do laundry she would dump in some Tide-and then for added effectiveness she would pour this powder from a box with a bunch of mules on the front.  "20-Mule Team Borax" it was called.   What was so special about that shit?  Was this like cops calling for backup?  Perhaps Borax Soap was the SWAT team of the laundry world's effort to round up terrorist dirt and eradicate the threat to clean clothes everywhere.  Holy shit do I need a vacation.

I bent over and allowed the good folks at the Sears Automotive Department to probe my anus for a hundred dollars the other day in exchange for an "on-sale" tire.  You know, it borders on false advertising when they claim a tire is on sale for $79.99.  Once you factor in the cost of the mounting, balancing, valve stem, and the taxes add $30.  Sale my ass, legalized extortion is a more appropriate term.

I'm still visibly shaken and may need some therapy after viewing Mr. Kay's on-line movie about My Period.  Good Lord, there are just some things men aren't meant to see.  I hold Mr. Kay partially responsible for not giving a strong enough masculine warning label to the film.  I realize there were hints of problems-but I was not adequately informed.  Perhaps the FCC should get involved; they seem to be pissed off about everything from the neck down these days.  I remember in 7th grade all of the girls in class had to get a note signed so they could go the library to watch a movie about "growing up."  At the time it seemed like horrible discrimination since the boys had to stay in class studying English.  WTF?  Now I realize there was some good to the gatekeeper concept in Junior High.

This brings me to another point.  When did the term Jr. High become obsolete?   It's all about Middle School now.  I actually attended a "Middle School" in 6th and 7th grade.  I didn't realize how cutting edge we were there in the hills.   Actually, I think it was called that out of necessity.  The two grades were housed in what was the pre-integration black high school.  Consequently, I was in 8th grade when I entered high school.  This was a problem.  I was clearly too young to be walking around with fully developed teenage girls.  I spent an entire school year with a woody---and nobody who would have any desire to take care of it for a pre-pubescent 12-year old.   High school was a painful time of life...see Chronicles of an Educated Hillbilly for more.

An update on the Mountaineer basketball team for those of you who give a flying set of squirrel's nuts, WVU beat Rhode Island last week. but lost to Rutgers on Monday night, thus ending the madness for WVU in the NIT-better known as the "feel good about yourself consolation tournament."  I wonder if you get a nice parting gift from that tournament like a free lifetime supply of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, or a case of Turtle Wax?   If you don't-you should.

I don't understand this, but I for some reason find Patricia Heaton incredibly sexy.  By all rights she shouldn't be.  They don't go out of there way to make her look like a masturbation model, but for some reason there's an unexplainable attraction there.  Along those same lines Paige Davis is also HOT.

I guess this would be the one redeeming factor about the fact that I've been forced to watch the "Trading Space's Home Free" of late.   This is where they've actually picked a bunch of people in a TOURNAMENT of interior design if you can believe this. The winner gets their mortgage paid off.  Shouldn't be a problem if you make it to the finals because the horseshit they do to the house in the process will knock the value down to just above that of a '63 Dodge Dart.

So Martha Stewart may do time at the Alderson Prison in West Virginia.  Given the nickname identified in this profile   It should be the perfect place.  In fact a former inmate gives the place high marks.  Seems doubtful Martha will be gang raped with a strap on sexual device that doubles as a cleaning implement.

I attended the state high school basketball tournament in Charleston last weekend.  I was intrigued by the cheerleaders for these high school teams.   Some of those girls look like they're 25 years old and ready to model for a high-fashion magazine.  These are girls from Dogballs, West Virginia!   Why is it that those who are actually in their mid-20's from these places look like they're crowding 50?   I inquired about this with a guy who's a native of southern West Virginia.  He explained the phenomenon to me.  According to my native source, they do grow hotties in southern West Virginia, the problem is two-pronged, one they either can't find a job after high school and leave the state forever or two, they stick around, get hired on at Wal-Mart, marry an abusive piece of shit when they're 18 and after three kids, 10-years of cigarettes, and having the shit beaten out of them they age a quarter century in four or five years.   He apparently has a life's worth of anecdotal evidence to back up his claims.  Good grief.

Well after almost a decade of trying, I've finally convinced AOL to FUCK OFF.  I had the old buckdeere account for ever so long through an old company e-mail account that was put to bed about six years ago.  However, I was still able to use it as a dumping ground when I was forced to register to see something and didn't want to go along with the obligatory spam.  I wasn't paying for the account.  The company had long-since cancelled the account and therefore they weren't paying for it.  It only took AOL's crack staff of experts about six years to figure out they were getting screwed.   However, this week the shit caught up with me and I was informed when I logged in that I was no longer a member of the AOL Community.  HALLELUAH AND PASS THE BISCUITS!!!!  Therefore, those of you wishing to contact me about unimportant bullshit you read here will have to use my new and improved address.  I've decided to see if I can squeeze ten-years out of the good folks at Yahoo!   The new address is appropriately enough,   MoonshineBuck@yahoo.com   I'm eager to see if it really works so send me an e-mail.  I enjoy hearing from you folks. Many have written to say they are former West Virginians and when they read about how fucked up the state continues to be, they remember why they left.   Others write to say they enjoy the update and it makes them feel better about where they now live.  Others have indicated I can enlarge my penis by a full six inches if I take their miracle drug.  To you folks, take your extra six and go FUCK YOURSELF!  Please do write though with legitimate shit, it makes putting all of this on a computer screen worthwhile when I receive feedback. 

Gotta Go,

Buck Out

                              <<previous next>>

                                    
                 The West Virginia Surf Report!