by "Buck"

March 19, 2004

I remember when I was a kid seeing a picture of an elephant being hanged.   This is apparently from a true story that happened near where I grew up.   The elephant was with some traveling circus and apparently killed a guy in the circus parade.  A lynch mob formed and sentenced the elephant to death.  There was a story in the paper back home recently documenting the bizarre event complete with picture.  If you want to check it out, here is the link.  I'm sure if anybody even suggested such an event today they would be lynched.  In fact, one guy in the article wants to go back and indict those responsible.   Bizarre to say the least.

John Kerry came to town this week.  He was carrying on about how Bush is a walking set of numb nuts, then he worked the crowd up in a frenzy about how Bush is a piece of shit.  He also appeared in Huntington earlier in the day where he said "W" was a lying, festering piece of worthless otter dung.    At some point I think he also mentioned he could whip Bush's ass in a thumb-wrestling contest.    Also along the way, Kerry noted that George Bush was a mother-fucker who lied, cheated, and stole his way to the top.    Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for the Kerry visit to W.Va.    

I went to hear Kerry the other day, and like our friend from the Peach State scored some major dork points by trying to get the Smoking Fish picture.   Unfortunately, much like our friend from the Peach State, the batteries on the old Digital shit the bed and it didn't work out.  Sorry Jeff, but I'm sure the "Scream" will return to Charleston before November... I'll try to do better next time.

Some lady here in Charleston got stuck in traffic the other day and had a baby.   There's something you don't see everyday-a woman in the stirrups in the middle of Iowa Street.  Baby and mom are fine.  I remember hearing a similar story in the 1970's when the gas crunch was going on.  A line formed at the gas station and a woman gave birth at the pumps-of course she had conceived the child the day she got in line. ....(rimshot) Thank you, I'll be doing three shows this week, tip your waitress and try the veal.

The Mountaineer football schedule is out for the fall.  For some reason this is a huge deal around here-not for football fans, but for people planning the Fall Wedding  (Yes, I know most people want to be a June bride, but come on, it's West Virginia)  Everybody books the reception hall at the local volunteer fire hall on the non-football Saturdays.  The coach is all pissed off because they're playing a game on Thanksgiving Day.   It's a problem in West Virginia since everybody will be deer hunting and nobody will come to the game.   This year, fortunately it's in Pittsburgh so nobody would go anyway.   

The Mountaineer basketball team made the NIT.  This is sort of like the consolation tournament to make teams that weren't very good feel like they've accomplished something.   They play Kent State.   Al I know about Kent State is "Four Dead in Ohio."

We went to the Home and Garden Show in Huntington last weekend to find a good contractor to build the Mother of All Decks on the back of my house.  I've been angling for this thing for about three years.   I can almost taste the bovine flesh that will be sizzling on this new palatial piece of pressure treated lumber.  We found three contractors and intend to research their work and get estimates.  So far none have returned our call.  WTF?  I've got cash to spend, but nobody to do the work.  I thought the construction industry was struggling for jobs.  Couldn't prove it by this. 

West Virginia's Quarter is on the verge of being minted.   Since we are the most democratic state in the union the decision is being put to a vote.  If you'd like to make your selection-here are the final choices. I've got to tell you I'm a little disappointed.  Of the original 7, there was one that included an old mule-drawn buggy pulling coal out of a mine.   Like it or not- the most pivotal thing in its history is coal and should be treated as such.  However, many hate the coal industry for one reason or another and don't want that to continue to be the legacy of West Virginia.   Perhaps that's why some other notable options for the coin also didn't make the cut.  The outhouse with the moon window was an early exit.  The moonshine still didn't make the grade either, I'm sorry to say.  Perhaps the shack nestled between two steep hills with 14 kids barefoot and wearing Kool-Aid moustaches wasn't going to fit either.  I guess there were printing issues with the mint on that one.    Since we have the nation's oldest average population, shouldn't a nursing home have been considered?  I'm sure there were some who tried, but Senator Robert Byrd's name and picture are already on too many things in West Virginia.  The Hatfield-McCoy Feud is as much a part of the fabric weave here as Appalachian Warmth, perhaps with some creative thinking we could have teamed up with Kentucky and made a matching quarter set!  So many creative ideas, but nobody ever asks me.

West Virginia's state government runs the same way most small town governments run, you have about six people that make all the decisions.  Once again, there's mounting evidence.  Consider an amendment added on as a rider to a bill that originated from our House Education Committee.  We are already in dire straights and the state is broke, yet they managed to sneak in this deal that allows any school teacher who serves in the legislature to add their legislative salary ($15,000 a year) to their teacher salary to calculate their retirement.  There are probably a dozen teachers this would help and could boost retirement by about $1,200 a month.  Sometimes politics makes me want to wash, which is why I try to steer clear of it in these rants.   I'd probably piss off about half of you and make the other half sick..so back to important shit..

I have a tire on my truck that's out-of-line and going bald.   That would have been a $10 problem for rebalancing, of course stupid me wouldn't get it down, now it's an $80 problem for a new tire.   I need a shot of oxygen, a drink, and a nerve pill.

I know this is odd, but I write this column over the course of a couple of days.  Therefore since I began writing-some shit has advanced.   Like I finally got a call back on the deck last night.  The guy, speaking in his best Appalachian dialect, said he's drop in about suppertime to "size up" our situation.  I have a feeling he's going to "downsize" my wallet.

Also, the Mountaineers beat Kent State last night, guess there are now FIVE dead in Ohio... well at least five who aren't playing basketball for the rest of the year.  They play Rhode Island Friday night---I'll let you know how that goes.

I haven't mentioned this in a while because-well because there's nothing to mention-those fuckers STILL haven't fixed the street in front of the house.  They came out and cut a groove in the concrete to ostensibly blast out the old and refill.  About all that's happened since that little exercise in the darkness has been that the crack they cut has expanded with the winter and is now another hole in the road.   Fucking homeowners association.

Our buddy from the Peach State and I shared congenial e-mails about our experiences with the Frog Pond.   I was just thinking of other shitty dives I went to in my wild and lascivious youth.  Here are a few places that you do NOT want to take a date.

--The Village Barn, Knoxville, TN
--The Liberty Café, Big Stone Gap, VA
--Shelton's Pool Hall, Rawhide, KY
--Ron's Place, Attalla, AL
--The Bear's Den, Ironton, AL
--Ivy's, Knoxville, TN
--Lord Lindsey's, Knoxville, TN
--The Country Corral, Knoxville, TN

I recall these dives because I was either drunk, arrested, got into a fight, or saw some of the best fights every at one or more of these places.   Some of them are now closed or opened under new management and different names.   I also went to a bar when I first arrived in West Virginia where you could actually wrestle a bear.   It soon closed, but I was glad for the experience.  I considered giving it a go-but the bear was kicking ass and taking names so I refrained from such public humiliation. 

Well, that should do it.  Keep in mind I'm eternally busy so if I don't make it in next week, forgive me.   I'm unfortunately not as talented in balancing duties like our other fine columnists. 

Buck Out

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