by "Buck"

February 12, 2004

CONCERTS - I've noticed a trend of people reliving their youth concert experiences.  I guess I'll go into mine.  My first concert was Alabama at the Knoxville Civic Coliseum.  You'll recall I'm quite a redneck and enjoyed the Alabama sound in the 80's.  However as they progressed into the 90's I began to fade in my enjoyment of their music.  Originally they were a bunch of southern boys who sang good time beer drinking tunes.  They evolved into a male chick band that crooned love numbers.  Sorry, but I just can't cope.  

Over the foggy and drunken years of college I attended an array of concerts.  I saw Hank Williams Jr. four times in those days.  My enjoyment of his music also faded when he started doing weird stuff on stage.  As his downward spiral continued he began wanting to strip off his shirt and walk around with a hairy gut hanging out over a pair of tight jeans.  I just can't cope-despite the fact that he and I were both drunk.  He would also sit on stage and sing his songs-with rearranged words and quips and anecdotes.  These made no sense since nobody knew what the hell he was talking about.  It dragged down the party.  The final straw came at a show in Bristol, TN when he didn't show up at all.  The fucker.

It was the sideshows at a Hank concert that made it worth the price of admission.  I wasn't at the show, but my wife saw Hank in Morgantown, West Virginia in his later days and during the concert there was a huge commotion.  The spotlight panned to the highest seat in the arena-where there weren't very many people.  The light shined brightly on a white ass bobbing up and down between two raised legs. Yes ladies and gentleman a guy was actually laying pipe during the show-hoping not to be noticed.  Hank came out on stage later and chimed in. "Guess ya'll already got a good show."  A footnote to that incident, police naturally arrested both-even before they could get off.  They guy turned out to be an ROTC student at WVU who had already completed Ranger School and was headed to the Army with a full Lt's commission after graduation.  He was unceremoniously kicked out-ouch!

As I was saying, while in college I took in John Cougar Mellencamp, Reba McEntire,  and Clint Black.  However, the best concerts came during my days as a security guy.

CONCERT SECURITY - I worked in the athletic department at the University of Tennessee.  It was a way to pay for school and you got to be part of a lot of good shit-among them concert security.  Prior to almost every concert, promoters would come into the athletic department looking for big guys.  The plan was to line up a bunch of Tennessee football players as ass-whippers.  However, I stood 6'5" and in those days and pushed about 295.  Today, I'm 320.  I was in better shape back then and loved to fight in those days when the opportunity-and odds-presented themselves.  The guy came up to me and told me I'd get a free t-shirt, free concert, and $50 if I'd be willing to beat the fuck out of anybody who got out of line.  It was the job I'd been waiting for all my life. 

My first security job was at a concert for Poison.  These fuckers were insane.  We had two guys get into a fight in the aisle.  I was ordered to get over there and throw them out.  I and about 10 other "guards" jumped in.  It was less an escorting to the door and more a complete case of assault and battery.  I had one guy in a headlock trying to pull him out the door when another guy kicked him right in the face.    We wound up nearly killing both of them.  After that-nobody started any more shit. 

I was also security at a Bon Jovi gathering.  Those guys were cool as hell.  I was one of the dudes who stood with arms crossed in front of the stage.  My main job was to push topless girls back into the crowd.  I copped more than a few feels that night.  I also witnessed one girl's big hair go up in flames and had to put it out.  They invited the entire crew to a party at the hotel afterward.  I never saw them, but I saw everything else.  All that shit about rock stars parties is true.  Good grief what an eye opener for a kid from the hills. 

I also worked security at a few other events in various venues.  Quiet Riot, Warrant, Firehouse, Trickster, Twisted Sister, Whitesnake,  AC/DC, and one Hank Jr. concert.  During all of these experiences I found all manner of Sodom and Gomorrah, sex, drugs, alcohol, violence against women, men, and animals.  It was nutty.  

Only once however, did I really get to give a solo ass whooping performance.  One smart ass got in my face after I repeatedly told him to stop trying to climb on the stage.  The fucker said about a half inch from my face "What are you going to do to stop me."  I said nothing but hit him as hard as I possibly could between the eyes.   His nose popped like a tomato and he just stared at me.  He was so high I don't think he felt it.  He stared at me for three seconds or more and then just collapsed in a heap on the floor at my feet.    They hauled his drunken, stoned ass out of there and his girlfriend got all pissy.  I told her to shut the fuck up or I'd give her one too.  She screamed something about suing me and having my ass kicked.  I never saw them again and the promoter told me not to worry about it.  I didn't, but I'm almost certain I broke a bone in my hand with that shot.  It still hurts when it rains.

SHITTY TIPPING - I know we've discussed tipping here before.  I realize I'm not the world's greatest tipper.   I usually leave 10 to 12 percent.  Yes, I know that's a bit cheap-but I don't earn a Million bucks a year.  In fact, many times I'm lucky not to be washing dishes.   I ran across this website that doesn't make me feel too bad.  It gives me one more reason to hope Jennifer Lopez falls off the face of the earth and never returns to public life.

WEATHER - We got the annual "tease you and make you think it's spring" weather this week.  The temperature rocketed up to 55 this week and I emerged from our igloo to walk around the back yard.  It was almost like coming out of a shelter after a bombing raid.  I could do nothing more than stare at the sky, look at all of the shrapnel left by the birds around the bird feeder, and just walk around trying to reacquaint with what it's like to actually see grass.  I noticed several of my neighbors were equally despondent at the change of events.    I think it's simply luring us out to kill us all.  I know within a week, just as I start making measurements for flower beds and other anxiously awaited projects, and the mercury will drop to negative something and a Nanook issue snow will crush us.

CUPID - I only wish I had a picture to share with you on this one.   A radio station called "The Wolf" is sending out "Cupid" to a bunch of unsuspecting dolts.  I'll attempt to describe this guy, who I saw on TV last night.  Imagine if you can a tall guy, with love handles and a gut.  He is a white as the wind driven snow and has apparently NEVER been exposed to solar energy.  He wears Coke bottle glasses, smokes a cigar, and has an unkempt beard.  This guy shows up wearing nothing but a diaper and a bunch of Wolf Paws (logo of the station) all over his enormous and extremely white torso  and delivers flowers and balloons to the poor sap who just got "Wolfed".  They pulled this stunt to get publicity on a local TV anchor babe.  She of course is beauty queen status with perfect hair, perfect body, and perfect face and makeup.  In waltzes this Rhodes Scholar and in a gravely voice through the cigar announces.  "Hey how you doing-I'm Cupid!"  Oh the humanity of it all.

VALENTINES DAY - I've never been the romantic sort.  I've come to the conclusion that guys who will do some outlandish stunt to propose to a woman are the very definition of the term Pussy.  I've seen a dozen of these dipshits proposing this week on TV.  One guy had a bunch of weirdo skaters come out and spell "M-A-R-R-Y M-E" on an ice rink.   Another guy had a dolphin bring a ball to his fiancé with the proposal written on it.  What the hell?  I only wish once in my life some guy would bare his raw soul with this kind of outrageous foolishness and have the woman look at him and say.  "Are you fucking nuts?  HELL NO!"  THAT would be a classic proposal.

FCC -- The Federal Communications Commission is ready to unleash all forms of hell on radio and television in the wake of the Janet Booby Shot.  I saw a story where the current fine for obscenity on TV/Radio is $27,500.  They plan is to up that to $275,000 per offense.  Sounds like my Aunt Maudies's "cuss jar" on the kitchen table.  You had to deposit a dime every time you said a cuss word.  Uncle Arthur would usually put in three dollars to start the day before he even took his first sip of coffee.  

DR. ATKINS - Okay, the guy has the most successful diet since the Hunger Strike yet they now claim he suffered from heart disease.  Big Deal.  They guy died after slipping on the ice and busting open his head.  If you ask me he got the best of both worlds---he escaped the heart deal and had a quick and painless exit, and he lived to be 72.  Plus, how in the hell did this get out?  It's harder to get into New York state medical records than Sandra Dee's panties.    

FINICKY BIRDS - I derive a great deal of enjoyment from staring at my backyard bird feeder.  I fill this thing up about once a week.  Last payday, I picked up a sack of actually bird seed mix.  This time I picked up a 25-pound bag of black oiled sunflower seeds.  Would you believe these ungrateful shits won't eat the sunflower seeds?   The fucking nerve.  Who in the hell are these fuckers to complain.  These West Nile incubators should be glad I put out any food at all for their sorry assess.  Given their gratuity I should leave the think empty and out there-just to tease the fuckers with the aroma of food and let them all starve to death.  There have been some amusing sunflower moments like the time the squirrel got into the thing and literally threw shit all over the yard.  It looked like a hand grenade had been tossed into the hopper.  I'll bet there are sunflowers all over the hillside after that sloppy shit bag got done.  His presence didn't sit well with a blue jay who attempted an eviction.  The squirrel damn near kicked his ass and would have if the pussified jay hadn't taken flight.  Holy shit, I'm not normal.

CONCLUSION --- Deepest and warmest congratulations to Chris soon to be formerly from Boone and the child bride.  Fuck the insurance company.  What are they going to do "repossess?"  I'd like to see them try-just for the sheer joy of watching what your reaction might me.  Your rants, tirades, and violent, irrational outbursts to the slightest bit of tension make me grovel at your feet with envy.  Jeff, a word of advice-you have sarcasm about the presidency on the board and documented proof of the fish at the Kremlin.  I think Secret Service is a forgone conclusion at this point.

Buck Out

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