by "Buck"

January 15, 2004

THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO "HUH?"  -- This will become something I drop into the column from time to time.  I'll probably add some obscure number for effect.    Here's the first.  

THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO HUH?  #123 -- If man evolved from an ape, why do we still have apes?

MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT - All apologies to Hillbilly Hotdogs here, but while I was back home I was able to enjoy the nectar of the gods that is a Pal's Sauceburger.  This is a local chain of hamburger joints in Eastern Tennessee.  For years there were only two, but now they've expanded with another handful of outlets in the region and in Southwest Virginia.    The owner Pal Barger founded the place in the 50's and it's a staple.   One of their shticks is the weird architecture.  They use bright colors and oversized stuff like hotdogs, hamburgers, and fries.    One of the places in Kingsport near where I used to live features a 25 foot tall guy dressed in 50's garb holding a hamburger the size of a Volkswagen.   He was purchased in the 50's at a California trade show and originally was holding a muffler.   Here's a link if you're interested.   I highly recommend having a sauceburger if you're ever in the Kingsport, TN area.    Also it is soon to be featured on the Food Network.

DAD RECOVERS - Talked to my dad this week.  He announced that less than a week after open-heart he'd walked a mile and a half.  I found this perplexing since it was colder than dog balls on a freezer floor outside and he's not allowed out of the house if the mercury is below 45.   He tells me he's measured the distance from the closet door in his bedroom to the door of the back porch and 40-round trips equals a mile.   He made sixty round trips, thus a mile and a half.   Never has a man been in such need of a treadmill ever.   Never has a woman (my mother) faced the need for new carpet.   I figure by the time my dad is fully recovered they'll have not only a path in the rug, but ruts cut into the floor joists.

GRUBBY CITY BASTARDS - Well the New Year has arrived and the city of Charleston has decided I need to pay for the privilege of working here.   Starting Jan. 1 everybody that has a job in the city limits is required to pay a "user fee."  Why don't these assholes just call it what it is.. a tax.  IT'S A FUCKING TAX. And an oppressive one at that.  The claim by the REPUBLICAN Mayor who put this thing forward is that we spend a third of our lives in his fine city and during that time enjoy police protection and use city streets and sidewalks.     This is a damn shame and goes against all that is good and holy---because it's taxation without representation.  I'm not able to vote against this pompous mayor or the arrogant city council that was all too willing to impose the user TAX on those of us just trying to make a living.  What's more, I hear people constantly bitching about tax FAIRNESS.   Not only is this unfair to begin with-but you have to pay a dollar a week if you earn $5,000 a year or $500,000.    It doesn't matter, even though I've never missed voting in an election-save one-since I was 18 I've never really felt like it made much of a difference because what I want never happens.

LEGISLATURE - I try to steer clear of politics in this column for fear of an aneurysm and offending those of you who are kind enough to read.  However, this week the state legislature is returning to Charleston.   I've actually gone and watched a few of these floor sessions in the House and Senate.    If I had acted in school the way these asshats act in the chambers I would have had a board across my ass.   It's mass chaos and rude behavior at its finest.  One guy will be trying to speak and other members of the opposite party will literally be doing cat calls from the back of the room.   Still yet, when somebody stands to speak it appears nobody is listening.  Isn't it just common courtesy when somebody has the floor for you to at least SHUT THE FUCK UP?   Whether you listen is up to you-but some of these rude asses will gather at their desk to exchange dirty jokes and wild drinking stories.  It's like a frat party.  Then there are all the evening parties sponsored by all of the high dollar, well heeled political lobbyists.  I've seen some of these dipshits tying on some good ones on the lobbyist nickel.    It's no wonder we have such a screwed up society, look at who's making the rules.

LAST NIGHT - The true glory of the legislature is the last night of the 60-day session.   I'm not making this up, but it is well documented that countless offices have an open bar and the session runs all the way to midnight.   In fact one delegate from southern West Virginia is known to have a milk jug of moonshine under his desk.     They're voting on bills at a feverish pace-so fast nobody can keep up-and half of them are drunk as shit.  I'm no Polly Anna, because I've well documented my days of moonshine and daisies, but I didn't do it while making decisions that affect an entire state population.   It's no wonder this state is dead last in everything-and no wonder why people take such a dim view of politicians.  They're all pompous, arrogant, and self-absorbed.   Enough.

SNOW BLOWER.. SORT OF - I'm so desperate to use my new Christmas toys that I'm inventing things to do.  The other day it snowed about four inches and I turned my shop-vac into a snow blower.  I reversed the flow and just walked along with the big tube creating my own lawn blizzard.  I hope spring gets here soon.

SPRING PROJECTS - I'm making my plans already for spring/summer projects.    The number one plan is construction of a back deck.  This is no small project and because of its scope and my limited carpentry skills I'm going to subcontract to a professional.  The plan calls for taking out the kitchen window and making it into a door.  The deck will be about 20 by 20 with a walkway running the entire length of the house to our bedroom window.  It's a safety concern as well since we live in a split-level dwelling with no back door in the upstairs.   In the event of a fire we might as well face our skin melting off or walking with a limp the rest of our life.  Nice choice.  I also need the deck to entertain-mainly myself, but I can envision myself with the gas grill burning hot as an F-14 exhaust and smoky cow flesh sizzling in anticipation of moving to the picnic table.   I hope spring gets here soon.

SPRING PROJECTS 2 - Last year I built a retaining wall and installed a flower bed along the side of my driveway.  The move shored up a difficult area to mow.  This year, I'm tearing out a bunch of landscaping timbers that are rotting and termite infested.   We Orkined the place and eliminated that problem.  I have about three boxes where these need to be replaced with landscaping rocks.  Let the little bastards try to bite one of those.

COLLECTION AGENCY -- I've never had a late payment or missed payment on anything in my adult life.  I'm always prompt with payment-but occasionally cut it close when the paydays fall in an odd manner.  A collection agency called me the other day to say I hadn't paid my bill when I actually had two days before it was due.     Apparently my payment book indicated the due date was the 12th, but records indicated it was the 10th.  It's an honest mistake and I can understand the call. What I can't understand is why the bitch copped an attitude and talked to me like a parolee from debtor's prison.  I promptly called her a bitch and told her to put her fucking supervisor on the phone.  The supervisor was far friendlier and promised to address the situation with the attitude and would be glad to work out the problem if I mailed in my book slip reflecting the due date.  Although I doubt the bitch who placed the first call will hear a word of reprimand, I can only hope her house burns down...BITCH.

This concludes my report.. Buck-Out.

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