by "Buck"

January 8, 2004

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS-To paraphrase a good friend of mine, "Happy New Year-My Dad has heart disease."   I got the call that nobody wants to get while at work a day before I was to return home for what I anticipated to be a joyful holiday reunion with my whole family.    Instead, the call said Dad had been taken to the hospital with chest tightness.  Turns out he did not have a heart attack-which was good, but he did have heart blockage meaning open heart-bypass surgery.    It's a bitch of a thing, a week ago he's healthy as a horse, two days later he's lying unconscious on a table while stranger pry open his chest.   

DAD'S RECOVERY - Well, Dad did come through the surgery okay, but the after effects are a bitch.   Dad has never been a mean-ass in my entire life.  He was always the gentle giant and any time he raised his voice it was for good reason to either protect or correct us.    I told my dad to take deep breaths a day after his surgery, hoping it would help.  He snapped and told me he'd been breathing longer than me and he wouldn't forget how to do it.  In addition to mood swings he's also taking the glory medicine Darvaset.  He's had two bad trips on it.  Once he woke up and didn't know where he was.  The second he felt he was floating and if he didn't get the covers off he would smother to death.    I keep hoping he'll have one of those trips where he's sitting in a field of daisies looking at a ten naked Playboy bunnies or something.  He deserves a good break.

NEW YEARS PARTY - I'm not a big New Year's guy, but all of my siblings and their family did gather last Saturday night at my sister's new home.   We were all stressed over Dad and needed to let off some steam.  It seemed odd all of us having a big blow out while Dad was laid up in the hospital-with Mom at his side, but they insisted we get together.   So I did what I always do, got a quart of shine and showed up to make an ass of myself.  My sister pulled out the old 80's CDs and we were eventually dancing in the living room.   My sister-in-law is uptight until she gets a swig of Uncle Humpy's Homebrew, then lookout.  She was mimicking Aly Sheedy and Molly Ringwald in the dance scene from "Breakfast Club."   It was a great trip down memory lane as the strains of AC/DC, Guns-N-Roses, Motley Crue, Genesis, REO Speedwagon, Kenny Loggins, INXS, and the Police blasted through their hi-output subwoofers.   Yes I know it was quite an eclectic mix of head banging charm enveloped in that uneasy feeling of actually remembering the words to gay ass songs like "I Remember the Feeling." 

CHRISTENING - It's not a party until somebody gets hurt, something gets broken, or the police are summonsed.  We almost made it the trifecta.  My brother stumbled down the stairs and busted his knee.    The neighbors complained and the cops showed up.   I was elected spokesman of the group, numbed by the feeling of illegally produced liquor I smoothed that one out, promising to turn down the stereo and keep everyone clothed.  I offered to officially make it a party when I picked up a coffee table and tried to throw it through the bay window.  I've had some experience in this area.  However, my sister and brother-in-law thought it would be best to leave the window intact.  Go figure.

BACK ON THE FARM - With Dad laid up, the job of making sure the animals got fed fell to me for about a week.   My brother assumed the duties after that.   It actually felt good to be back on the tractor with the smell of cow manure mixed with stagnant mud puddles.    It was refreshing to be back in the henhouse picking out eggs speckled with chicken shit.   I had forgotten how much I loved that stuff growing up.   Yes, I led a sheltered life.

CHRISTMAS - I guess I should impart some of the wonderful Christmas gifts I received.  Normally I would write that in a sarcastic manner-but this time it's the truth. I got some GOOD shit.  Unlike Mr. Kay, I'm into practical gifts.  My wife got me a wet/dry shop vac.  I promptly vacuumed up a pile of sawdust in the garage.  I sawed three boards just to make it and then suck it into the wonder machine.  I also got a set of heavy duty jumper cables, a set of Craftsman pliers, a retractable trouble-light, and the greatest gift of all, a refinished RCA upright radio cabinet.  It's like the one Ralphie and Randy are listening to "Little Orphan Annie" on in that movie "A Christmas Story."   It doesn't have the actual radio, but it does have the glass dial with all of the frequencies.  I'm searching the Net to see if somebody has the innards for it that I can purchase at a reasonable or ridiculously low price, and actually play the strains of Frank Sinatra as they were meant to be heard. 

FOOTBALL - As if Dad's situation wasn't enough to put the holidays in the shitter, my two favorite college football teams got shit smacked in their bowl games.   It started with the WVU Mountaineers.   I guess the only redeeming thing about that one is that the school didn't have to spend any money sending the offense to Jacksonville.  Seriously, I doubt they'll have to spend a nickel on cleaning their uniforms.   Maryland gave them a serious ass whipping-two in a row for the Mountaineers.   They've one ONE bowl game since I've been following them.   Then my hopes for redemption were dashed when Clemson opened a can of whoop ass on my Tennessee Volunteers.    The Vols at least showed up---but it was still and ugly display when compared to their potential. 

GOOD NEWS - There was a bit of good news over the weekend.  My aunt tells me I'm in her will.   She's literally a millionaire.   She didn't say what I was bequeathed, but it's nice to be remembered from the grave-after all it's the thought that counts.

SEE YA' - And that will do it for this week's update. 

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