| Straight
from the holler.
by "Buck" August 14, 2003 JACK WHITTAKER - What the hell was this guy thinking? Whittaker is one of three guys who won a Powerball jackpot in West Virginia last year. Whittaker, unlike the other two, was a millionaire before he hit the 315 million dollar prize. Therefore, you'd think he'd know how to handle money and stay out of trouble. The other two guys who won the cash were just regular Joes. They showed up, claimed the money, and haven't been heard from since. Whittaker on the other hand, since his jackpot was the biggest in history, was on all of the national television shows, made a big splash donating millions to churches and charities, set up his own foundation, etc. I'm not saying those are bad things, heck it's great that somebody wants to spread a little wealth, but now we have this. He's robbed at a seedy strip bar after somebody inside slipped him a Mickey. He's made it clear that he carries huge sums of cash on him. You'd think a guy with that much money would know to use a credit card or check, and at least keep a low public profile. I don't think the guy has any idea how much money he's got. He originally told police it was 800 thousand dollars, they found 245 thousand in cash and three cashiers checks for 100 thousand a piece... all money recovered. Aside from that, this guy has enough money to fly to Vegas and BUY his own strip club with playboy playmates doing the most unmentionable things you can imagine. Why then, is he hanging around a two bit shit-house like the Pink Pony. Let's face it, West Virginia strippers don't come close to the comparison to the Doll House in Ft. Lauderdale. FISHING - Mr. Kay is always talking about his fishing. Fishing is the ultimate way to pass the time. I've been fishing since I knew how to breathe. I actually hold a lifetime fishing license in West Virginia. When I visited Florida last week I fished for two days on one of the hundreds of lakes down there and caught this. Welcome to the fold Mr. Kay. Although 10-percent of the fishermen catch 90-percent of the fish, it isn't the catch that matters. It's the opportunity to get out and watch nature and the other fools trying to catch fish that provides ultimate relaxation. OLIVE GARDEN - We were at the Olive Garden for lunch the other day and the server managed to dump a 32-ounce Coke on the head of a two-year old in our party. The child was initially scared, then flipped out and flung a fork all the way across the table. What a temper! The management and other wait staff descended on our table like a pack of wolves, quickly wiping up the mess and stumbling over themselves to apologize. I think if you read between the lines it was something like, "God Almighty, please don't let them sue us." They did pick up our $65.00 tab and threw in desserts to go for everybody. No harm, no foul. If it was hot coffee, I'm sure the parents wouldn't have been as full of laughter about the whole thing. We found out later it was the waitresses first day on the job. CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR - Good grief, I thought West Virginia had a political mess, with the budget being deep in the red and the governor getting a little piece of chicken on the side. Hell the lineup for the California governor's race looks like a Hollywood premier. The Terminator, a porn star, smut peddler Larry Flynt, Gallagher who hasn't been popular since the Veg-o-Matic went out of style, Gary Coleman-is he still alive? Why not nominate Chris from Boone. It would be good experience to be Mayor of Boone. WEST VIRGINIA GOVERNOR - I know I promised no comments on politics, but some of this stuff jumps out at you. West Virginia's Governor is rumored to be against running for a second term. When reporters asked him about it he's apparently getting tired of being bothered with the question. The other day he said, "I made a major decision today, I decided to clog at Camp Virgil Tate. I'll make a decision about running later." The clogging governor, that's what California needs. --SALAD ON A STICK There's a story in the news today about a big hit at the Iowa State Fair, Salad on a Stick. They claim people can't get enough of it and dip it in honey mustard yogurt sauce. Holy Shit, the inventors are no doubt communists. Who in the name of all that is good and holy would invent such a God awful concoction-and even more blasphemous at the STATE FAIR!. A fair is a smorgasbord of corn dogs, funnel cakes, candy apples, and ice cream. Salad on a stick my ass. This will never be a hit in West Virginia. Grocery stores here sell lard in five-gallon buckets. Yeah, salad on a stick has a real future in the mountains. Shit. --BACK TO SCHOOL Chris from Boone mentioned how his town is gridlocked by students returning. I don't have that problem now, but I lived in Morgantown for ten-years, the home of West Virginia University. The population tripled when the students came back. There is a group of students that knows how to party. Playboy gave them that top party school ranking one year and also came and did a big splash on Girls of the Big East. There were a bunch of coeds that were well known in the community baring all for the world to see. I was failing to see the downside, but it drew a lot of shit in the local community. --TRADITIONS We had an odd tradition while I was at the University of Tennessee, that was to drink ONLY George Dickel's Tennessee Sipping Whisky at Neyland Stadium. I naturally obliged, but was usually well soaked in homemade liquor by the time Gentleman George arrived for the party. One would think Jack Daniels would be the drink of choice, but keep in mind we were on college student budgets-J-D is expensive shit. I could trade a pint of plasma for a ping of Dickel... I'd have to sell body parts for Jack. --BONFIRES There is a really odd tradition at WVU that sets it apart from other schools in the world. There's a real penchant for burning furniture in the student slum neighborhoods. It's a rare weekend when students are in town that a couch or two isn't torched in the streets. It's normally an occurrence during football weekends-win or lose-furniture burns. One guy told me somebody stumbled into his house once and tore the bathroom door off the hinges, carried it into the street and threw it on the fire. I do miss college. --DRUGGIE NEIGHBORS I'm convinced the woman across the street is shacking up with a drug dealer. She's had her share of men. Since moving in two years ago she's had two live-ins. One of them ran off, the other she kicked out after the cops were called in the middle of the night. I watched from my bedroom window as they tried to kick in the door (which failed) then went through a window with guns drawn. The knew guy looks a lot like Stone Cold Steve Austin. There are weird people coming in and out of the house every night. I'm pretty sure there's illegal activity across the street. I'm sure our HOA will get involved-yeah right. I don't live in a low rent housing district, this is pure suburbia-or as suburbia as you can get in West Virginia. I'm not supposed to have to deal with shit like that in this neighborhood. |
