by "Buck"

December 18, 2003

VACATION - Well the old end of the year has arrived and for the first time ever I noticed I hadn't taken all of my vacation.  In fact, we've been so busy this year with shit happening and people quitting that none of us had used up all that was coming to us.  The company bean counters decided it wouldn't be appropriate to buy the days back and further added there would be no carryover to the new year.  This has caused a bitch for the department-but we all said Go Fuck Yourself and burned a week in December.  This is almost unheard of here since it's a VERY busy time of year.  However, I'm burning mine this week.

FLU SHOTS - Everybody has flown into a raging panic over the flu.   What the hell?  Is everybody a total puss?  I finally gave in to constant nagging and got a flu shot.  I really don't think I need one.  They said the shots were being rationed for only those most "at risk."  I doubt that.  The shots are supposed to be reserved for old farts, infants, and people suffering from aids or diabetes and leprosy.  I don't fall into any of those categories-but they didn't hesitate to slam that needle into my arm.   

DRIVE THRU-FLU - This may be unheard of, but modern conveniences have gone beyond belief.  I literally went through a drive-thru flu shot clinic.  I got into a line of cars that pulled up in front of the hospital.   You give the woman your name and address and she pegs the old bicep---left one of course-and you drive away.  No questions asked.   What's next?  Drive thru proctology exams?

WAITING ROOMS - The other half wasn't as fortunate and we had to go to a true doctor's office for her shot.  These places give me the creeps.  I'm sitting there in a festering pile of disease and germ vermin and I'm not sick. Everybody that walks in is hacking up body parts.  They are blowing some unknown substance onto tissues and touching everything.  When I left I felt like I should climb into one of those detox tanks they use to make the astronauts shower in.   Which leads me to another edition of Things That Piss Me Off:

--If you make an appointment for 3:30pm and arrive at 3:29pm, you shouldn't even have to sit in the disease incubator.  You should be taken straight to the holding cell to await your treatment.  We sat there for 45-minutes and had no fewer than six people who came in AFTER us go back BEFORE us!  Fucking hell!  I think they were secretly plotting to gain additional business by trying to get me sick.  I can hear it now as I approached the door.  "We have a well-one here, allow a half hour of infection incubation prior to treatment."  

MALL -- The only thing worse than a day in a mall is a day at the mall during the holidays (and any day at Disney World).  I've become the "sit on the bench guy."  The other half loves to look at shit and spend half the day deciding which is the better buy, or the nicer buy, or how the person being bought for will react.  She comes with two articles asking which I like better.  They both look fine to me.  I'm accused of insensitivity.  Okay, says I, they both suck.. I'm accused of being a smart ass.  Okay-I like that one...but what's wrong with this one?  Nothing, it will work too...Go sit your smart, insensitive ass on the bench.  So there I am.  I'm sitting there with another three dozen insensitive, smart asses who-like me-are holding a bunch of bags from a bunch of gay ass clothing stores.  I've become my dad. 

GAY ASS CLOTHING STORES - I go to clothing stores twice a year-and I go to one of them-once in the spring, once in the fall.   I spend 45-minute to an hour, refreshing the wardrobe for work with Dockers and some "button-up" shirts.  Mission accomplished at Carl's Big and Fat Man's Boutique.  I refuse to buy any article of clothing from a store that doesn't stock Carharts or steel toe boots.  It just isn't right for men to wear something that proudly proclaims it was made in France.  I get dragged into these fucked up stores like The Gap or American Bald Eagle or some such shit and a 19-year old with a pierced arm asks me what I'd like.  If I were honest, what I'd like is to get the fuck out of there.  But with a sigh I say, "I'm with her, but since I'm here what kind of sweatshirts do you have."  I'm directed to some fucked up shit called "Billabong" and "Fubu."  I proudly proclaim I'm culturally inept and these pierced, tattooed puss is explaining to me how this shit is all the rage.  The only rage I've noticed is the one building in my gut.  I picture myself setting the entire rack of clothes on fire and then pissing on the ashes.  Usually, I'll say something deliberately inflammatory so as to be banished to the bench outside to wait.  Works EVERY time. 

CRAZY FOLKS - There's a mall in Morgantown, WV that seems to be the "in" place.  It was here I witnessed a man completely snap - probably from being banished to the bench and forgotten.  This joker for no apparent reason dropped his shopping bags from the gay ass clothing stores, waded into the fountain and proceeded to start filling his pockets with the change folks had tossed there during bench banishment.  Mall security didn't look favorably on a man trying to pocket the wishes of thousands of bench riders before him who had probably tossed those coins sealed with the wish they'd never see this place again.  This joker had probably amassed ten-dollars in pennies, nickels, and dimes when two officers went in after him.  He put up quite a struggle and caused such a commotion that even the women shopping stopped what they were doing to take in the show.   That should tell you how fucked up this guy had gotten.  They slammed his head face-first into the pyramid from whence the water flowed and busted his nose.  Blood flowed down the little set of steps into the pool and they dragged him out kicking and screaming.  He must have been speaking in tongue because most of his rant was gibberish.  It was a disturbing incident and clear evidence that a man can only take so much of a mall.

GREATEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES OF ALL TIME - As usual, this is my list and represents my taste.  If you disagree that's fine-if you violently disagree,  Go Fuck Yourself.
 
1.  National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.    It's become a tradition when I go home that my brother and I treat this as the Rocky Horror of the Holidays and act out every scene in earnest

2. A Christmas Story -- It's true TBS makes overkill of this with it's 24-hours worth, but it's a can't miss.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas  -- this may not be the exact title, but it's a classic and is presented the way cartoons were meant to be. 

4. White Christmas  -- This didn't use to blow up my dress, but my other half loves it and it's grown on me too.


SHITTIEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES OF ALL TIME:

1. Home Alone - although I must admit, I enjoy seeing those two buffoons getting the shit kicked out of them.  Otherwise, it's a screwed up plot and McCauley Culkin is a dipshit

2. The Santa Clause - Please.

Okay, my list is a little limited-but I'm under the influence of flu serum.  

A CIGAR FOR YOU - I don't smoke, but I might consider starting after a friend sent me this the other day.  It's a gift for the male readers of this column, so ladies if you can't handle something a little degrading I'd advise against clicking.. but hey you've been warned. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS -- That should do it for this week.  Christmas Day is next Thursday, so I'll not have a column then-nor in the following week since it's New Years Day.  So, have a happy holiday.

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