by "Buck"

May 22, 2007

I had a bizarre experience the other day while sitting in the parking lot of a local feed store. I was waiting for a load of mulch, playing “Snake” on my cell phone, and minding my own business. Suddenly a white Chevrolet Cavalier pulls into the parking lot beside me. A woman is driving and a man is riding shotgun. She parks the car and immediately starts SCREAMING at the guy. She had her window down, as did I, and even if I had wanted to avoid the conversation…I could not. Naturally however I stopped playing Snake and appeared not to be too obvious as I eavesdropped. Occasionally a line would be drowned out by the din of passing traffic, but here are some of the direct quotes I gleaned.

“You broke your word to me again…”

“This is supposed to be a two-way street…..BUT YOU’RE NOT EVEN ON THE GODDAMNED STREET!!!!!!!!”

“….NOT ON THE STREET, YOU’RE NOT ON THE FUCKING PLANET!!!!!!”

“I wanted you to go to my mother’s birthday, you said you would. That was kind of important ya know…”

In a way I felt for the guy, he never uttered a word that I could hear. I think he just mumbled and stammered in hopes of saving at least a tiny square of his ball sack that was being ground into pubic powder. On the other hand, he probably deserved it. He wore no shirt and had on a pair of mirrored sunglasses. He also sported what appeared to be a homemade tattoo on his upper left chest. This is usually a dead giveaway that whatever she was dishing out probably wasn’t nearly enough. Oh well, I found the whole thing amusing.

I have a wooded area behind my house. About three months ago I was down there working and happened to leave a five gallon bucket. Over the course of time the bucket sat there and collected rainwater. Yesterday, I was running the weed whacker and came across the bucket. It was half-full of water and there was a dead rat floating inside. That was disgusting.

You may recall the story of my neighbor a few weeks ago getting drunk and damn near cutting off his leg with a circular saw. Well, the crazy fucker is at it again. He was outside last night, drunk as shit, and going all willy nilly in his tool shed. His latest project is to repaint his patio furniture. This ignoramus places the furniture in the driveway, and then proceeds to hook up a pneumatic paint gun. This is the same kind of tool used to paint cars. It’s under high pressure from an air compressor and sprays a very even stream of paint, but should only be used in a very controlled environment. Let’s just say his driveway ain’t the most controlled of environments.

He lets loose, spraying a mist of “Number 9 Hunter Green” onto the furniture. The breeze kicks up a bit—and suddenly his daughter’s cherry red Trans Am has a tint of green stripe from bumper to bumper. I’m observing all of this from behind the raised lid of my smoking gas grill and laughing my ass off. He realizes his mistake and starts with the wailing and howling and a hundred “Oh shits!”

He dropped the paint gun when he realized what he had done. When it landed on the handle, it shot another stream onto his white garage door. At this point I was bent double trying not to laugh out loud. He’s so drunk he’s stumbling around and falls into the half-painted patio table, smearing paint all over himself. As he tried to get up, he stepped on the paint gun and shot another mist straight up onto himself.

The poor guy had completely lost his shit at this point and then his daughter walks out to see what all the commotion is about. She launches into a tirade of cussing and screaming. They are literally shouting at each other. Soon his crazy wife comes out and attempts to referee the thing—but soon decides to join in with the bitching and wailing.

The whole incident was high comedy. Ah, just another day in Buck’s Neighborhood.

A local car dealership that advertises on television here in Charleston has a new woman doing their commercials. I don’t know the woman, and frankly I don’t even remember what car dealer she’s pitching for. Some of you who are in the Charleston area may have seen this. The only thing I can remember about the whole commercial is that the woman had boobs that are GINORMOUS. I’m talking at least a triple-G here. They are so huge they are disproportionate to the woman’s body. They are well lifted and perfectly round, which makes me suspect they may be store-bought….but then again, I don’t know. A co-worker tells me they are a pure product of nature. I would argue that if that’s the case they are a pure FREAK of nature. I’ve never seen boobs that big on a woman with that size frame.

I wish I had a picture to show you, but alas…I do not. If any of you Charleston viewers have seen the commercial, you’ll remember it.

Buck Out

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