by "Buck"

October 23, 2003

COMPUTER WOES - The eternal meltdown at work is continuing.   When I wrote last week I had been without computer network resources for a week.   Today, it's two weeks and counting.    The best I can get out of anyone is, "Huh, we really need to get this fixed."    No shit Dick Tracy.

SUCK ME DELL -- I continue to grow more and more impatient with those shitbags at Dell.  We pay them a lot of fucking money in a service agreement and the service isn't worth a shit.    Our I-T guru tells us he's constantly on the phone with them trying to fix this problem and half of them don't speak English.   We've found out why.   Dell apparently farms out their service work to independent contractors.  This one just happens to be in NEW DELHI, INDIA!    It's bad enough to farm it out-but OVERSEAS?  At least get a staff that speaks the language.   Dell makes a good machine for sure, but their service after the sale sucks the big one.   Plus the shit of it is those commercials on TV that tout their service. 

SWEET IRONY - My I-T guy just sent me a spam e-mail from Dell.  It's a customer satisfaction survey.  They want to know how we were treated with our recent request for service.   What a time for that to arrive.   They say it will take about five minutes to complete.  I'd say he'll vent for a couple of hours. 

SHOOTING RANGE - I spent some time last weekend at the shooting range.    I checked out my deer rifle for the upcoming season.  It's hitting in a group about the size of an orange-so good enough, didn't want to waste any more ammo.   Then, I proceeded to relieve some stress.    I began setting various fruits and vegetables along the top of a fence and started shooting them with my .357 Magnum.     I'm always awed by what a hollow point slug at 20 paces can do to a pumpkin.    This fruit the size of a basketball is reduced to thousands of shreds no larger than a dime. 

ORAL-B - Last Christmas I bought my wife the Braun Oral-B toothbrush.   This, according to my dentist, is considered the "Cadillac" of toothbrushes.  I must admit, I was frightened that there would be any metaphor that compares a luxury car to a cleansing implement.  What the fuck?  It's a TOOTHBRUSH!!!!!!    At any rate, I'm hip to oral hygiene, despite my continued use of smokeless tobacco.   I do brush twice a day, but I refuse to floss-I just don't buy into the notion that I have to do that constantly.  However, I digress.  I bought her this souped up toothbrush with a Dodge Hemi V-8 attached.   It's sort of like swallowing a chainsaw, and we all know how that feels.  Somebody is making a killing here.  The unit itself cost $90!   I wouldn't have bought it for myself-but she wanted it and what the hell-I rarely know what she wants so I jumped at the chance-even for 90-bills.     Now the heads are worn out and need to be replaced.  Three plastic heads for the thing cost $27 at Wal-Mart.  HOLY SHIT!  The pain and misery of a root canal would be cheaper than that.

STREET REPAIR UPDATE - The head of the homeowners association tells me they have three bids-one of them was REALLY lower than the other two.   Turns out the guy hadn't factored the cost of the CONCRETE into the price.    Whose bid was this Three Stooges Construction?     You're repairing a street, why would you not factor that into the price?    Last night I saw two guys checking out the busted concrete in front of the house.   I'm sure they're qualified, since one was showing a fair amount of trouser cleavage and the other had a ZZ-Top beard.   Those are always classic tip-offs that you're dealing with professionals.

JOE MILLIONAIRE - I didn't watch this thing on Fox that debuted this week, but I like the idea.    Get some Texas cowboy, dress him up and tell a bunch of European women he's worth 80-Million when he really isn't.    Oh what great drama this should be.  As the artist formerly known as Chris from Boone now known as the Angry White Man says, unhinge the brain and set it on the table.

SPEAKING OF WHICH -- Somebody came by the office and gave us 2,000 of these this week.   Supposedly it's a promotion by Perdu-Pharma about the dangers of abusing prescription painkillers.  Maybe I should send it on to Rush Limbaugh. 

HALLOWEEN - Halloween is coming and the usual shakedown for candy will begin on my street.    Children in overpriced consumes will stumble over the broken concrete of my street, bang on my door, and demand shit.   One year when I was living in Morgantown I had a dusk to dawn light on the porch-I couldn't turn it off.   Kids kept coming to the door until I was out of shit.   The last group left my home with six cucumbers, three potatoes, a stapler, and a bad Christmas snow globe.    I smashed the light bulb to make them go away.   

HALLOWEEN CANDY - I do recall my days of trick-or-treating.  I would always rate houses on the quality of candy they served.   Here is an incomplete list of various products.

Reese Cups---Primo candy for the youngster, especially when you got a two-pack.

Hershey Bars - Some rich folks in the community actually gave out full size candy bars, I loved them and often returned to mow their grass for additional compensation the following summer.

Butterfinger - I love these, they usually came bite size at Halloween, but I prefer the monster bars you get at the gas station.

Kit Kats -- They aren't my favorite, but they'll do in a pinch.

Hershey Kisses - They taste great, but you need about a dozen to have a good chocolate fix and it's a bitch to unwrap them for such a small bite.

Tootsie Rolls - Much like Hershey Kisses, they are a pain in the ass to open the little ones for such a small bite.  I need five to have a true experience and unwrapping is a pain in the ass.   The full sized ones are the best

Tootsie Pops - Excellence in the lollipop division.

M-and-M's - Like the Kit Kat, not my favorite, but they'll do in a pinch.  Peanut brand is best.

Skor - Fairly rare in the great candy scheme, but nectar of the gods when they are available, heavy English toffee.

Special Dark - Whoever decided this was good candy should be castrated so they cannot pollute the world.    It's called DARK chocolate for a reason, don't eat at any cost. 

Mr. Goodbar/Krackle - These would always settle to the bottom of the bucket and were usually the last name brands to be eaten.  They're okay.

Almond Joy/Mounds - Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

Sugar Daddy - I once pulled a cap off my tooth with one of these.   My mother forbade me to ever eat one again-and I haven't.

Sugar Babies - Despite the fact they look like deer turds, they are really good.   Almost like sugar in a pellet form.

I'm sure I'm overlooking some that I also enjoy, but like I said the list is not all inclusive.   Invariably there would always be candy that settled to the bottom of the Trick-or-Treat bucket and was usually noticed by mid-November.  Sometimes it would be there next year when you pulled the things of storage.  

Black Cows - These are good, but could probably use a little better marketing scheme.

Slow-Pokes/Mary Janes - Again good candy.  The Mary Jane is the poor kids Bit-O-Honey.  

Kraft Karmels - These are good, but you need a dozen for a good bite and they are the ultimate bitch to get the wrapper off. 

The Black and Orange stuff - Nobody ever actually ate that when I was growing up.  However, you'd see that peanut butter candy with the black and orange wrapper every year.  I don't think it's made any more, I think the same pieces are regifted every Halloween to another family.

Smarties- Best described as miniature Sweet-Tarts.  You get about 20 in a pack, but one pack is a mouthful and should be eaten all at once.  I really like them, most people don't and they are bottom suckers in most Trick-or Treat buckets. 

Dum Dum Suckers -- If you're handing these out, you are one cheap son-of-a bitch and deserve to have a flaming bag of horseshit thrown on your porch.

WILDEST SCHOOL BUS VIDEOS - Did you happen to see the school bus video from that wreck in Ohio?   Hollywood couldn't have produced such a special effect.  In case you missed it I'm not sure if there's a link to see it on the net, but the camera is mounted at the front and the bus turns over on its side.  The kids are actually riding along well-behaved, which was almost as big a shock as the picture of all of them flying to one side of the bus.   The oddest thing was that the camera also turned over so the picture on your screen stays upright and it appears all of the kids on the left side defy gravity by flying simultaneously to the seats on the right side.     This thing will live forever in those "caught on tape" video shows. 

WORLD SERIES - I'm defying my better judgment and actually paying attention to the World Series.   I was truly hoping the Red Sox and Cubs would link up.   I'm not really a fan of either team-but I'm tired of the Yankees.    Plus the Marlins strike me as a baseball team that sort of views baseball as a hobby.     They play in Florida, but they just seem like a store-bought team that is some rich guy's toy.   Their stadium sucks, they've not been around long enough to build a big tradition-although they have now have as many World Series appearances as the Cubs in 100-years-and as many World Series championships.    They just seem like plastic fruit that used to sit on my grandmother's table.   The bananas and grapes look good enough to eat-but they aren't real.    Strange I know. 

KROGER STRIKE - The bag boys and stock clerks at Kroger (or as we call it in West Virginia "Krogers") have said "Fuck you" to the management and walked out on strike.   Krogers has said "Fuck You" and closed all the stores.  People here are going "Fuck Me-I ain't got no place to buy groceries."    As a result if you go to a Foodland, Giant Eagle, Big Bear, or Wal-Mart it's packed.     I had to take a number the other day to get Deli meat.  The hell?   I'm waiting for a pound of shaved Virginia baked, not my drivers license.    One lady at Wal-Mart got pregnant in the back of the check-out line.   She delivered the baby as she was writing her check.   Next thing you know they'll have a lottery on butter.  Holy Shit-work this thing out already.  

CONCLUSION - That will put a wrap on this week's update.  Football is a little screwy this week.   West Virginia played last night-but since I'm writing this on Wednesday I don't know who won.  I can almost guarantee a couch fire happened either way.   Not that the city of Morgantown didn't do all they could to prevent it.  They hauled 14-loads of potential street fire debris out of the student neighborhood ahead of the game.   It's sort of like trying to remove the stink from a pile of shit.   I don't OWN 14-loads of anything.    Tennessee plays at Alabama this weekend, I don't know what the Thundering Turd is doing.

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