by "Buck"

October 16, 2003

PAIN AND MISERY  -- This has been one of the shittiest weeks since that 17th girl turned me down for the prom in high school.  I cannot take much more of this.  I'm going to need a fifth of Uncle Humpy's Homebrew to make it to Sunday.  The horseshit all started last weekend with that miserable Tennessee/Georgia game.  Now we're enduring a major computer meltdown at work.  I'm actually fortunate to even have a computer to pound out this rant today.  Therefore if today's report from the holler seems abbreviated and poor (at least more so than usual) you'll have to excuse me.  I promise to return to my usual piss-poor mediocre form by next week.

TENNESSEE/GEORGIA - I'm considering tearing up my diploma and mailing it back to the University of Tennessee in shreds.  That might be difficult since it's mounted to a walnut board.  Does anyone have a nice wood chipper I can borrow for 20-seconds?  I've seen Tennessee play some shitty games in my time.  I've seen the Vols screw the pooch many times over the years, but Saturday's game may be the all time low.  The defense couldn't stop a troop of girl scouts hawking Samoas on a sidewalk and the offense looked like 11 monkeys trying to fuck a football.  In case you didn't have the opportunity to take it in, let me encapsulate the game which really came down to a single play.  Georgia was leading 13-7 with 7-seconds left in the first half.   Tennessee had the ball on the Georgia one-inch line.  California surfer dude quarterback Casey Clausen had already wasted a timeout by missing the appropriate call to spike the ball and tried to punch it in himself so now they had one play to power in, get the TD and go into the locker room with the lead.  Clausen attempts to fake the handoff, drops the ball, its gobbled up by the Bulldog defense and they run it back 96 yards for a touchdown and go up 20-7.  From there I knew it was over.  Two interceptions went back for TD's and two fumbles turned into Georgia scores.  Welcome to the old fashioned southern ass whipping.  The only good thing about this game was I didn't go completely insane and pay 400-dollars for a ticket to see it, which I actually contemplated last week.  Tickets should be pretty easy to come by for cheap from here on out.  

HIGH-DEFINITION TV - As if the ass whipping of the beloved Big Orange wasn't enough, I got to see every single grain of the shellacking in high-definition TV.  I watched the game in the basement of my brother's southern estate.  He's a computer guru for some major hospital corporation.  He never went to college, self taught himself everything there is to know about computers, landed the job at the hospital and set up the whole network.  Now he's the only one who understands it, the hospital was bought out by a huge corporation, and he makes scads of cash to keep it running.  He also has his own little side business where he undercuts big companies with lots of overhead and builds computer systems and networks for companies.  In short-he's got a mint and uses it to the hilt.   Therefore he's able to have the five-thousand dollar home theatre system with surround sound in the basement of his southern estate.  I must say I'm impressed-both with his success and the performance of the TV.   It makes those old big screen TV's look like horseshit-which they are.  We caught the game on ESPN HD-something that more and more networks are now offering, but his is on Digital satellite so everything comes in.  He put in the "Gladiator" DVD after the game and I was pretty sure the house was coming down around us.  I've placed that on my list of shit to buy when I get ahead. 

COMPUTER DISASTER AT WORK - At some point last week a main cog in our computer network at work collapsed.  Our tech guy called it the mother board.  I call it the mother fucker board.  We called Dell and they said they'd have a new one built by Monday and overnighted by Tuesday.  This all happened and we were back in business Tuesday afternoon.  By 5:00 Tuesday afternoon the new mother fucker board was history and we were down again.  This time we're told the power supply is bad.  I'd like to castrate the fuckers that created computers---but as we all know they're a bunch of ballless dorks that I used to beat up in high school.  I'm suffering through a real-life version of Revenge of the Nerds.

HEY DELL, SUCK ME! - Have you ever seen that commercial with the Dell Interns going home for the night.  They flip off the light and these voices start to sound out of a bunch of cubicles.  All of these guys are touting the fact that they have customer service on duty 24/7-EVEN ON WEEKENDS!  Liars, liars, liars!  Our tech guy here called the Dell 24/7 Service Center-which we pay for I might add through a service agreement.  He went through three recordings and eight different people before somebody could help him troubleshoot the problem.  Three of these over brained maniacs couldn't speak English to a point any of us could understand them-one spoke in broken Valley Girl slang.  Then there was the clencher when they informed us that nobody was working in the parts division during the weekend.   They said ."We can build you a new mother fucker board Monday, overnight it and you'll have it by Tuesday."  Then the clencher, "For an extra $50 we'll put your order on TOP of the stack!"  I'm sure our extra 50 funded the weekend kegger at Stanford.   It's organized blackmail and it pisses me off.  These bastards live in la-la land while I'm busting my hump to get the same amount and level of work done-WITHOUT a computer.  Give me 10-minutes in a room with them...I'd use the last eight to stand over their carcasses and give them the cussing they deserve.

GIRLS PLAYING FOOTBALL - There's been much fanfare this week about that girl who scored a touchdown in her team's high school football game and was then crowned homecoming queen at halftime.  I'm pretty sure that's a first, but it's not a first for girls playing football.   I remember when I was in high school some girl decided to make a big social statement by going out for the team.  Nobody was ever cut from our team; we just didn't have enough people out there to have an organized tryout.  The local newspaper did a big write up on her coming out for football.  The TV station came over and made a big deal out of it.  We were all kind of miffed by the idea that she was getting so much attention for trying something new, but we were willing to accept her so long as she was able to do all of the drills that we were forced to do.  I remember in what we called an Oklahoma drill, you had to fight off a blocker and tackle a runner---it was a one on one drill to practice shedding a blocker and pursuit.   She was running the ball.  I shed the blocker quickly and squared up with a massive hit-the fact that she was a girl made no difference to me-in my eyes she was a fellow player.  I damn near killed her.  She suffered a concussion and had to leave the field-but refused to leave the team.  A week later, back on the practice field, we were running plays in a scrimmage scenario.  She was thrown a pass; just as she was catching it a free safety lowered the boom on her as he would any other player.  She went down in a heap and started crying.  She suffered a broken collarbone.  She quit after that, but there was more ink for her plight.  She told the paper that we were deliberately mean to her, that we singled her out and hit her hard on purpose.  This was not true in the least.  She was treated like any other player, hers wasn't the first concussion I had delivered-in fact she was my third of five in my high school career.  They attempted to make us out to be a bunch of chauvinist pigs and domestic abusers, nothing we could say or do would help.  Therein lay the problem with the whole deal-if we treat her as an equal we're being mean.  If we take it easy on her we're discriminating.  I was glad when she quit.  

CONCLUSION - Well, there you have it.  I apologize if I was short and angered today.  It's been a fucked up week and I'm not in a humorous mood.  Perhaps I'll be better next week.   If you liked it I'm glad-if not, as usual...Go Fuck Yourself. 

                             <<previous next>>

                                    
                 The West Virginia Surf Report!