by "Buck"

August 7, 2003

--Vacations.  I've come to the conclusion that family vacations are an essential element of life.  As Mr. Kay is want to say while on vacation, you should be removed from all elements of the real world-namely it should be a time that you say screw the financial worries and blow your money.     The Wonderful World of Disney has taken that to an EXTREME.  

I recently paid a visit to the Magic Kingdom.  It was only the second time I've ever been there.  The first was in 1986 when I was a senior in high school.   All this time I thought the song "It's a Small World" and a bunch of dancing dolls was the product of a moonshine hallucination-go figure.   Anyway, there should be a postcard reading "Welcome to Disney, Get in Line" with a picture of lines so long you can't see the ride you're waiting for.   We were there six hours and rode five rides.  I finally said screw this and wanted to leave.   To make it worse there's something known as FastPass.  Apparently you stick your ticket in a machine and it spits out a time when you have an appointment to ride Space Mountain.  You show up at the time on that receipt and get to go to the front of the line that stretches all the way to the Alabama state line.   I didn't figure this out until late in the day and had spent the entire day threatening to beat the shit out of the line jumpers where were just showing up and riding.  

Everybody was hungry so I said cool, we'll eat.  The well known Cinderella's Castle now sports a sit down restaurant-at $30 a plate.  Screw that.    How about fast food?  I noticed an inordinate number of people walking around the park munching on a turkey leg.  So help me God I thought I was in a Flintstones movie.   Folks were walking around proudly displaying carnivorous tendencies with grease halfway to their elbow and dribbling from their chins.  This I couldn't resist-until I saw the price.  FIVE BUCKS for a turkey leg?   Gees, we throw those to the dog at Thanksgiving!  We finally gave up and left the park in disgust drove to Burger King and all enjoyed Whoppers, onion rings, and Coca-Cola all at a grand total cost of $13.  Screw the Mouse.

One final thought on Disney and its bloodsucking tendencies. I'm convinced there's an evil plot by this empire to expand its facilities to the point that in order to see it all, you'll have to come there on every vacation for the rest of your life.  Guess I won't be seeing it all.

--NASA  We spent another day at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral.  I love NASA, the space shuttle, the rockets, the whole deal.  I'm also well aware that on the whole, chicks don't dig NASA.   My wife is that way, but was willing to put up with it since I had a woody for the whole place.    We watched a 3-D movie-which I'd never experienced before.  It was sort of cool, especially when they showed a rocket launch that peppered the screen with rocks.  VERY COOL.  I kept taking off the glasses to see what it was like-just a bunch of fuzzy pictures, kind of like my college days.    One kid in the crowd wasn't wearing glasses for the whole movie.  The child had to be nearing an aneurism by the time it was over.    We then boarded a tour bus where they take you out to the launching pad and the places where they service the shuttles.  You also get to see the actual launch control room for the first trip to the moon and they recreate the last 30-seconds of the launch.  VERY COOL-I'm pretty sure I had an orgasm during that event.

The only downer to the KSS was, again, the price of food.   Naturally everybody was hungry so at one of those bus stops there was a snack bar.  I said grab hotdogs and pacify them until we can get some real food at Burger King.    I'd never paid five-dollars for a hotdog with nothing on it...I still haven't.    I bought three lunch bucket size bags of Doritos and a 32-ouce Shuttle Sipper of Coke and it set me back $11!!!    What the hell?   Didn't I pay enough in taxes last year to fund this place?    Can't an honest taxpayer get three dogs for a dollar at a government installation?    No wonder they were buying $500 toilet seats and $300 hammers.

--Troops Coming Home  We had another unit of the National Guard arrive home in West Virginia this week.  It was a huge deal, live on television, and I had to feel for those families who hadn't seen their old man for six or eight months.    Among those airmen returning from parts unknown in Southwest Asia was a guy who lives across the street from me named Mark.    I know for a fact his wife was happy to see him home..so was one of my other neighbors who's been mowing his yard all summer. 

--Kicking Ass I was one of those who was mesmerized by the war in Iraq.  When it was going on, I was glued to Fox News.   I've always had a fascination with the military, warfare and such.  I was two days away from joining the Marine Corps before I was hired in my present job.   My wife on the other had, has had enough already.   Not that she's unpatriotic, but she thinks if you've seen one blown out Iraqi building-you've seen them all. 

--Mowing  I live in a housing development that supposedly has a homeowners association. I pay the money every year like a good resident, but I'm told only about half of the 33 houses in the development actually pay their money.  The houses sell so fast it's hard to tell who's paid and who hasn't.   This has reached a point of diminishing returns.  Supposedly you can't sell your house if you owe the dues, but there isn't enough money to pay a lawyer to stick it to them.   Therefore, the street has fallen into disrepair.  There are behemoth chunks of concrete broken in the street near my home almost at the cul-de-sac.  Those dirtbags down at the mouth of the holler' have perfect streets.  I guess the entrance needs to blow up to convince them they need to pay to have the WHOLE street fixed.    Supposedly you're to keep your yard properly mowed and neatly kept.   Some haven't gotten that message either.   Shit, one guy has a chicken coop in the back yard.  I'm in a mild panic over my yard.  I returned from Florida to find it ready to go to seed.  I'm considering contracting some cattle farmer to bail it if it doesn't stop raining soon-my Murray can't handle the choke of the thick grass.    I'm particular about my yard and it drives me nuts to have it looking like that.

--Yeah, I know this was pretty boring, but it was a first effort-as Chris from Boone noted earlier this week, my column too is a work in progress.  I hope to hone it a little more in the weeks to come.   

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