Chronicles of an Educated Hillbilly by "Buck" number eight Graduation Night There are certain events in a young life that are often considered benchmarks. The first day of school, the day you got your drivers license, the first kiss, and then... there's graduation. Academic dorks like to use these boring ceremonies to talk about the future and how the world is your oyster, blah, blah, blah, and some other such bullshit. At Powell Valley about all we could think about during the commencement exercise was the fact we never had to be in this shit hole again and the ensuing party that was to occur later that night. As we awaited the post-graduation festivities, there was plenty of entertainment to get us started. There were 121 people in my graduating class. Many people at huge high schools didn't know a third of the people they were graduating with. We knew everybody and there were some really fucked-up people in the class. I'll never forget that day if I live to be 180. We were forced to sit in alphabetical order so that the dispensing of diplomas would be smooth. (Yeah right-nothing is smooth in this crowd.) Since my last name began with an "S" I was virtually assured of a seat next to Connie Sweeney -- the most beautiful girl on planet earth in my opinion. Wrong! Sitting between Connie and me was Mary Sweat, probably the nastiest most disgusting girl on planet earth. Most of us had completely forgotten her. She disappeared from school back in tenth grade and we just assumed she'd either dropped out or moved. No, she showed up not only with a kid in tow-but also very pregnant with another kid. Mary wasn't alone. A total of six girls in our 121 member class were "in a family way" and donning their cap and gowns from the maternity department for the big ceremony. Among "The Dirty Half-Dozen" was Missy Blankenship. Much like Mary, Missy was a dirt bag from a family of hollow monsters. It's very likely her pregnancy was a result of an incestuous relationship because nobody in their right mind would have wanted a piece of that action. In fact as Missy walked across the stage to get her diploma, Mike Snerdly yelled, "Holy shit, who fucked her!" Mike wasn't one to give a shit what he said or did. During the entire ceremony he nursed a flask of Wild Turkey he'd stolen from his dad. Mike's dad was a reputed shebang who feigned a worked related injury to spend ten-years watching Mike and his brother play football. I don't mean just being at the Friday night games, this asshole came to every practice and every team meeting. He was almost an honorary member of the team. He raised the family on a fraudulent workers compensation salary. Back to Mike though, he had a small tape player under his gown along with the flask. The song "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco was high on the charts that week. Mike sang along with the entire song during the commencement speech. Then there was Mary Joe Walker. We referred to her as Mary "Blow" for her penchant for oral sex. She'd been known to service about everybody anywhere at any time. True to form, she was in the back of the line with the rest of the "W's" and gave Robbie Williams a handjob before they had to walk across the stage. Unbelievable. During this entire escapade of drunken, sexual irreverency I sat quietly, taking it all in. I was happily realizing this whole sad portion of my life was about to be over and a new beginning was coming. I didn't realize that new beginning would start only hours later with one of the wildest parties I've every attended in my life. I'll detail the story in next week's installment. |
