June 29, 2007
Before we get started today, I have a few quick things…
-- First and foremost:
the t-shirts are ready! I’m
going to pick them up this afternoon, and should be able to start
shipping them out on Monday. The
T-Shirt Lady says they turned out “nice,” and I’ll post a picture
later today.
Thanks to everyone who’s already pre-ordered.
And if you haven’t, now’s the time.
Here’s
yer link.
-- Also, check out this
great new Smoking Fish sighting. I
don’t think there’s any chance in hell I could eat such a thing.
I’m not really a huge fan of ridiculous amounts of meat.
In fact, I have to avert my eyes when I’m at Wendy’s and
encounter an illuminated photograph of a so-called “triple,” which
is nothing more than a column
of ground beef. Blecch.
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June 28, 2007
-- How
y’all doing? That just rolls
off my tongue (keyboard) this morning, following our refresher course in
South Carolina
over the past week or so. I feel
like I’ve reconnected with my roots, or somesuch...
And, I’m sorry to have to report this, but the trip was great.
The weather was incredible, we had a blast, and there weren’t
too many I Love Lucy moments.
It was about as perfect as a camping trip to the beach can get.
Again,
I apologize.
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June 21, 2007
-- This is it, my friends.
We’re leaving for Myrtle Beach
this afternoon, and should arrive mid-day on Friday.
We’re breaking up the drive because it’s, you know, far.
Toney made reservations at a Black Lips Houlihan-friendly motel
somewhere in Virginia
for tonight, and we’ll continue on from there.
The campground where we’ll ultimately be staying is supposed to
have my parents’ travel trailer all set up for us, with the air
conditioner a-rockin’. And how
great is that?
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June 20, 2007
-- I was completely exhausted all
day on Monday, so I vowed to turn over a new leaf and get to bed
earlier.
The first night, because my brain was expanding and contracting inside
its housing, I drifted off immediately. I
hit the sack around 9:00
, and was clear-cutting rain forest by 9:30
. It was, as they say, the sleep
of kings.
But last night didn’t go so well… Again
I was in bed before
half past nine
, and read for a little while. Then
I wallowed and flopped and thrashed and turned.
At one point Toney sat bolt upright and said, “What exactly is your
problem?!” Then she mumbled
something about feeling like she was in a rowboat on the ocean, and
rolled over like she meant that crap.
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June 19, 2007
-- We were in a local restaurant
a few nights ago for dinner, and I found a hunk of metal in my fish
samlich. I was a-smilin’ and a-chewin’
when I detected something in there that didn’t feel quite right.
Luckily I didn’t chomp down on it full-out, but just enough to realize
the shit wasn’t going to be very forgiving.
Concerned, I hawked everything into my hand, and started picking
through the grossness with a steak knife.
It looked like a short length of heavy wire, folded into a circle.
What the?! Was the fish
hook still in that thing? Talk
about fresh!
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June 18, 2007
-- I’m not operating at full
capacity this morning. My brain
wants more sleep, or some such pussification.
It’s being all sluggish and buggy on me.
Just curious: have you ever yelled at your brain?
I have. In fact, mine just
got a good dressing-down today. Because
it deserved it.
Anyway, this one’s just gonna be another clearing house of items from
my notebook. It’s the best I
can do under the circumstances…
-- Yesterday we took our dog Andy
to the park, and walked around in the sunshine.
Without us knowing it, one of the Secrets brought along his “fart
jar.” Here’s
what it looks like, and the thing makes incredibly realistic assplosion
noises.
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June 15, 2007
-- When I was a little kid I
asked my grandmother if I could have a taste of her coffee.
She and my grandfather seemed to drink the stuff ‘round the
clock, so it must be pretty good, huh? Heck,
they even had special cups, green and plastic, shallow and wide, that
were apparently purchased especially for coffee-drinking.
I had to know.
So she and my mother exchanged significant glances, and I was allowed to
take a sip. And it tasted like
dirt clods filtered through a pair of August underwear, then heated up.
Blechh.
For a few seconds there was a very real threat of vomit in the
room, something that seemed to amuse the adults to no end.
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June 14, 2007
-- Yesterday our mail arrived
late (grrr), and I was
checking on it every fifteen minutes or so.
Hey, it’s one of the highlights of my days at this point…
Sometime after lunch I opened the door and the mail still hadn’t been delivered, and I found two massive jugs of Tide
laundry detergent on our front porch instead.
WTS?!
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June 13, 2007
-- It’s amazing how you run out
of things to write about when you spend your days alone inside an 8x8
babyshit-green box. Ya know?
Wonder if anyone’s ever done a study on that?
Maybe with mice and typewriters, or something?
I’d like to know the results.
-- We’ve been watching the
first season of The Shield,
and the jury is still out. I have
a feeling Toney is about to jump-ship on it, but we’ll see how it
goes. She says, accurately I
think, that the rogue cops aren’t very likable; they just seem like
your garden-variety assholes.
Many of the characters on The
Sopranos are homicidal maniacs, but you got the sense they’d be
fun to have a beer with. As long
as they remain on your side, of course…
I don’t think I’d want to have a beer with that Peter
Chicklets (or whatever his name is), under any circumstances.
The dude seems to be operating on perma-confrontation.
And who needs that?
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June 12, 2007
-- Man, that blew a whole primate house full of monkeys.
Yesterday afternoon a woman called and wanted to set up an interview for
Tuesday morning, with a Large Company We All Know.
Cool, I thought. I like
the Large Companies We All Know.
I’d sent them a resume and didn’t apply for any specific position,
so I asked her what I’d be interviewing for.
Her answer didn’t really excite me.
It sounded like warehouse management, and at a level that
probably wouldn’t pay nearly enough. But
there’s no harm in going through the process.
Right?
So, I went to bed around 9:30
, hoping to wake up refreshed and clear-thinking.
And, for reasons unknown, I tossed and turned through the night.
I wasn’t thinking about the interview, or anything, I just
couldn’t get comfortable. Maybe
it was too hot? I don’t know,
but at one point I had the sheets wound around me like a murder victim
being prepared for a river-dumping.
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July 11, 2007
-- I witnessed something amazing
over the weekend.
I was sitting on a couch reading the newspaper, and our dog Andy (Black
Lips Houlihan) was asleep beside me. All
the windows were open and a satisfying breeze was blowing the curtains
around. Toney was in the kitchen,
and the kids were watching something on Nickelodeon which featured the
sphincter-clinching voice of Gilbert Gottfried.
Suddenly Andy sat bolt upright, from a deep sleep, tilted his head back
and began manipulating his nostrils like he’d been entered into a
nostrils manipulation contest. He
took his reading, and went wild. He
began barking and snarling and leaping at the front windows.
The hell?!
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June 8, 2007
-- I don’t have much this morning, so I’m just gonna zero-out the
notebook again, and start fresh on Monday.
‘kay? Prepare yourselves
for a short but bumpy ride…
-- I saw a news report yesterday
about the shocking (shocking!)
prospect of Pennsylvania beer distributors being allowed to sell
six-packs and twelve-packs in the near future.
Apparently
a bill has been sent to the State Senate, and there’s a good chance it’ll
pass.
Already the hand-wringing has begun, and some folks are anticipating the
end of American civilization, if not humankind itself.
When the inevitable finally happens in twenty or fifty years, and
grocery stores (gasp!) are
allowed to sell beer, I’m predicting that at least one person will set
himself on fire
out of a feeling of complete hopelessness.
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June 7, 2008
-- Every morning I wake up and
shuffle down the hall to the Small Room, have myself a good shiver, go
downstairs for coffee, then let Andy outside.
And that’s usually when I get annoyed for the first time of the
day.
The newspaper is always on the front porch, and as our dog tip-toes
through the wet grass, I notice it and get irritated.
It’s the rubber band that does it, you see, and sometimes even
a plastic bag(!!).
When did paper delivery become so pansy?!
I was a paperboy for a long time, and our family would’ve been
forced to sell the house and move to another community if I’d ever
used a rubber band on a paper. Good
God, don’t even get me started on those prophylactics...
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June 6, 2007
-- I caught about thirty minutes
of the Republican presidential debate last night on CNN, and there are a
few things I found puzzling.
For instance, why did John McCain have a chaw in his mouth?
I’m from West Virginia
and am fairly accustomed to being around people with a mouthful of
chewing tobacco, but during a presidential debate?!
Wonder if his spit cup was emblazoned with the stars and stripes?
And was there some kind of catastrophic malfunction of the tanning bed
at Mitt Romney’s house? Sweet
sainted mother of George Hamilton! The
man looked like he’d been exposed to a nuclear blast.
And who names their kid after baseball equipment anyway?
Does he have a sister named Fungo Bat?
…Hello?
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June 5, 2007
-- Yesterday’s job interview
went perfectly well (I’m old and don’t make big mistakes anymore),
except I’m not exactly what they’re looking for.
And how do I know this? Because
they told me so. Yep, we went
through the entire process and they just laid their cards on the table,
right there in front of me and on the very same day.
While I was driving home I was focusing on all the negatives (of
course), discarded the positives (needless to say), and was mildly
pissed-off. I don’t have enough
supervisory experience, they said, and am probably used to making more
money than they’re willing to pay.
Ever had this kind of honesty at a job interview?
Me either. And to tell you
truth… I kinda like it. I was
irritated immediately afterwards, but now appreciate knowing exactly the
way they feel. I’m not sitting
here today trying to read between the lines, and wondering what the
inflection of certain words meant, etc.
Sure, their bluntness was a bit disconcerting, but I wish everyone would
do it that way. It removes most
of the maddening mystery that surrounds the process, and lets you know
where you stand. If they call me
in for a second interview it’ll be totally unexpected, and there’s
value in knowing it.
As Wilt Chamberlain used to say, “Next!”
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June 4, 2007
-- I have a job interview today,
so this needs to be super-quick. I’ll
have to allow time to wriggle into a pair of fancy-pants, de-Andy hair
my suit jacket, and cry softly for fifteen minutes or so.
It’s becoming a ritual.
The interview is to take place in the Poconos, about forty miles from
here. I don’t know if anyone
else does this, but I drove there yesterday just so there wouldn’t be
any surprises today.
I hate going places I’ve never been, with a hard-coded deadline.
I always envision myself riding up and down unfamiliar roads with
three or four minutes to go, running my hands through my hair, and not
having any idea where I am. So,
when possible, I do a test run.
We found it with no problem, and afterwards stopped at a dairy bar kinda
place that looked like it hadn’t changed in fifty years.
We all had milkshakes except Toney, who ordered a malt.
Very good indeed.
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June 1, 2007
-- Last night we went to an art
show at the elementary school, and it was hotter than the proverbial owl
piss in there. It was easily 100
degrees, and that’s not an exaggeration; it felt like we were walking
into Satan’s laundry room.
They were serving what was supposed to be ice cream in the cafeteria,
but it was just bowls of milk by the time we got to it.
You can tell there’s a problem when the sprinkles sink.
Ya know?
Therefore, we didn’t stay long. But
I did snap this
photo, to give you guys a flavor of the event.
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The View From Down
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