May 31, 2007
-- I ran over my sunglasses with
the lawnmower yesterday. Not on
purpose, of course - the things weren’t cheap.
And, no, I wasn’t wearing them at the time.
But that’s a good one...
I’d taken the glasses off and hung them from the pocket of my shorts
while I added more gasoline to the tank.
Then I guess I forgot to put ‘em back on when I began mowing
again, and they fell to the ground. And on the next pass:
kerflenk!
I think one of the lenses is now in Half-Shirt’s gutter.
But I got the job done. It sucked
like nothing has ever sucked before. OK,
maybe not as bad as 9/11, but close. The
backyard looks like it’s been assaulted.
I’m just glad my Dad’s not here to see it.
It’s gonna take several more mowings before it looks like a
regular lawn again. Because it
sure as shit doesn’t look like a regular lawn now…
Never again will I allow it to reach Depeche
Mode proportions.
On a happier note, the front yard is a thing of beauty.
I stay on top of it for the sake of the neighbors, and so they
won’t find out how lazy I really am. And
at this point I think even Hank
Hill would approve of the carpet-like grass in front of our house.
-- Apparently Sunshine can’t
reach Toney’s brother, and some mild panic is starting to set in.
Sunshine & Mumbles are still at Nancy
’s(!), and Toney’s brother is supposed to be looking after things
back home in Nevada
. But he’s not answering the
phone at the house, or his cell.
Oh, they’re not worried about him,
this isn’t anything unusual as far as he’s concerned; the guy
regularly wanders off the grid. No,
they’re worried about those deep sea diver tanks they bought off eBay.
If nobody’s staying at their house, have the tanks been laying on the
porch all this time?! If so, it’s
only a matter of time before they’re stolen, ‘cause S&M don’t
exactly live in Beverly Hills
. In fact, when we visit I always
want to suit the kids up in body armor…
Anyway, it’s yet another drama. And
why do I have a nagging feeling I’ll be somehow blamed if the tanks go
missing? Since I was forced into
handling the auction, it’ll be my fault because I didn’t tell the
seller to ship the hilarious items later, or to a different address, or
something.
Just wait and see.
-- A few leftover Sunshine &
Mumbles tidbits, from their recent stay at Jeff & Toney’s Bed and
Breakfast Inn and Old Country Saloon:
One day we were forced into watching some of their home movies -
something that makes my sphincter wink every time.
In one part of the tape they’re camping, in the Sierra Mountains
somewhere, and Mumbles is shown cooking scrambled eggs for five solid
minutes - while Led Zeppelin(!?) blares
in the background. I briefly
thought a mistake had been made, and we were somehow watching the
Sundance Channel. But then my
mind cleared.
In another section of the tape Sunshine is shown walking to the edge of
a fast-moving creek, or small river, or somesuch.
And I have a strong suspicion she’d been into her “antibiotics”
that day, because the next thing you know she’s sitting in the water
fully clothed, with a giant smile on her face.
I almost swallowed my tongue.
In the hands of a talented editor, I’m convinced S&M’s home
movies could be repackaged and shown at the Cannes Film Festival.
While they were here I was taking a shower one day, when I heard a loud
bang followed by wild hollering. The
shit?! I turned off the water and
yelled for somebody to give me a report on what in the living hell was
going on. When nobody answered, I
just shrugged and went back to it.
Turns out Sunshine had tried to bust into the bathroom, and konked her
head against the door. Since she
and her hubby each crap roughly fifteen times per day (don’t ask… I
don’t know why), they always leave the bathroom door pulled closed
with the fan running. Apparently
she didn’t know I was in there, and almost rammed her head clean
through a wooden door. Good
times.
We went to a park on Mother’s Day, and cooked steaks over charcoal and
threw a Frisbee around, and all that good stuff.
Here’s a pic I snapped of
two of the local bathing beauties…
Sunny and I got into a low-grade argument about the grill.
She wanted to use the ones at the park, the nasty-ass permanent
grills that are located here and there. I
said no way, “hippies pee on those things.”
She just shook her head in exasperation and dropped the subject. But it
was brought up with Toney later. Sunshine
reportedly said, “Where does he get all that weird stuff?”
Heh.
After we ate lunch (the steaks were prepared on a grill brought from home), Sunshine promptly fell asleep in a camping
chair. Mumbles and I watched the
Secrets do some fishing off the pier, and Toney was left to babysit her
mother.
A little later I came back to check on them, and Sunny was still asleep.
I stood there and talked to Toney for a few minutes, and her
mother suddenly jerked, kicked one leg high into the air, and yelled (I’m
almost certain), “BRIAN KEITH!!”
The following day I had a job interview, and when I returned home was
horrified to find that Sunshine had removed my clothes from the dryer,
and folded everything – including a half dozen or so pairs of
underwear.
Shit, I just had another full-body shiver!
-- I’m starting to run out of
steam here… Before I turn it
over to Brad, I’ll take this opportunity to ask the Question of the
Day. It’s very simple really, and has to do with pants-shitting.
Do you have any stories to tell on this subject?
Has it ever happened to you? To
somebody else you’d like to now mock? Use
the comments link below, won’t you?
The only time I can remember an adult crapping his pants was in Atlanta
.
Where Toney and I worked was an old gay man named Chuck who manned the
switchboard. The dude was a mess,
both physically and emotionally. He
was really overweight, smoked all the time, and was prone to wild
coughing jags. Supposedly he had
a bad gambling problem as well, that left him in a perpetual state of
financial misery.
This was at the office of a large record company, and I remember him
putting issues of Rolling Stone
into the mail slots of all the bigshots, and the lead singer of Skid Row
was on the cover. Here
ya go. Well, this sent ol’
Chuck (who was in his late sixties at the time) into some kind of wild
frenzy of lust, and was almost literally panting with passion.
I got no problem with the gay folks, but found this to be quite
disturbing…
Anyway, he was up there answering the phones one day, and launched into
yet another of his wild coughing fits. And
promptly shit his pants.
Do you have anything to add to this? Help
me out people, I’m floundering here.
-- Here’s
Brad to close out the category.
And I’ll see ya next time. permalink
May 30, 2007
-- I think I pulled a muscle in
my neck while washing my hair this morning.
I’m not kidding, I was scrubbing my tiny Duke
head when there was a sudden sharp lightning bolt of pain above my right
shoulder. And now I have to turn
my entire body to look to the side.
I remember hearing about a woman in Atlanta
who supposedly slipped a disc, or broke her spinal cord, or something,
while scratching a lottery ticket. I’ve
made fun of that unknown person for years, and this might just be a
little karma coming home to roost. Hell,
I’m afraid to brush my teeth for fear of ending up in ICU.
I hope they don’t
have to build scaffolding up my head, like those teenagers who get real
tall real fast, or whatever. Because I
can’t have that.
-- I think I’m going to have to
do something quite unpleasant today: mow
the entire lawn. You see, I
sometimes (ahem) take the half-ass route and only mow the front yard,
since nobody but Poppa Half-Shirt can see behind our house.
And Halfy needs something to bitch about.
But now it’s gotten out of hand out there, and I might have to use a
sickle before I get started with the mower itself.
It’ll be like the old Depeche Mode cover,
and I’m not really exaggerating all that much.
How did I allow such a thing to happen??
Oh well, I’ll just load my iPod with every Cinderella CD I own, and go
to town. For some reason
Cinderella feels appropriate for such a job.
Pass the beer nuts.
-- Man, the weather simply couldn’t
be any better than it’s been for the past couple of days up here.
It’s warm, but there’s almost no humidity and it’s the
brand of perfection we don’t see nearly enough of.
Last night after dinner all of us went to a park nearby, and took
advantage of the walking trails for an hour or so.
The Secrets threw rocks into a creek, we stopped and petted a big
smiling golden retriever, and a splendid time was had by all.
Then we went to our favorite ice cream shop, where I had a single scoop
of something called Charlie Brownie. I’m
usually an Oreo kinda guy, but lately that Charlie Brownie has been
calling my name. And it has a
very seductive voice.
We had every window in our house open,
and it felt great. After Toney
and the kids went to bed I watched The
Bourne Supremacy on the BAT, then slept like a corpse.
I don’t think I moved the entire night, and was fully and
absolutely asleep when Toney prodded my back fat to tell me it was time
to get up.
It’s impossible to be in a bad mood in this kind of weather, even an
unemployed fat man who has to twist his entire torso to look at a clock.
-- Are you guys seeing the
National Lampoon ads on the Surf Report homepage?
It should be a so-called tower in the right column, above the
words Your Ad Here. For the past
couple of days I’ve seen nothing but white space there. Sometimes that
stuff gets blocked on my computer, but I’m starting to wonder.
Is there anything there? What
the hell, man?
-- Since my new afternoon office
(Panera Bread) came online, I’ve
decided I should probably invest in a few minor upgrades.
The battery in my laptop works sometimes, and sometimes it doesn’t.
The stupid thing never held much of a charge, and is now
completely unreliable. A couple
of weeks ago the computer told me there wasn’t a battery installed, it
couldn’t even detect the presence of the POS!
It was only a matter of time before there was a fire.
So I ordered a replacement. Dell
wanted $139 plus shipping, but I found one on eBay for $60 – including
postage. Genuine Dell parts,
brand new, same item number, and everything.
I was hoping the battery was part of the big Dell recall, so I
could get one for free, but it wasn’t.
And how predictable is that?
I also ditched the nerdy old briefcase-style computer bag I’d been
using, for this
super-sporty model that’s supposedly a replica of the one Jack Bauer
uses on 24.
I always wanted to carry the luggage of fictional badasses, and
now it’s happening…
If you need me after one o’clock
in the afternoon, I’ll be the guy at the corner table with tears
streaming down his face, and a broccoli cheddar goatee.
-- I’m listening to the
Zombies, in case you were wondering. This
album
to be exact. It’s one of
the greatest things the human race has managed, to date.
Yes, better than penicillin.
-- And before I call it a day
here, I have a question for ya. Yesterday
I went to Wendy’s for my standard #1 with cheese, no pickles, and a
Coke. And I found a five dollar bill in the parking lot!
Only once can I remember finding more cash than that.
It was at Peaches Records in Greensboro
, and I came across a wad of bills that included a ten and several ones.
Do you have any stories to tell about finding money?
What’s your biggest groundscore?
What were the circumstances? Was
there any guilt involved? Tell us
about it, won’t you? Use the
comments link below.
And I’ll see ya tomorrow. permalink
May 29, 2007
-- I went for a haircut on
Friday, and had to park my car roughly one hundred miles away from the
place. I usually do that sort of
thing on Saturdays, and had never encountered such a cluster-fornication
before.
It was really hot and humid that day, and I was melting by the time I
reached the building. And as soon
as I passed through the door I saw the radically tattooed girl who works
there lifting a giant dill spear to her mouth.
And she spat in my general direction, “I’m on my lunch break
for the next fifteen minutes!”
Grrr… I just turned around and
left without saying anything. She
can jam that pickle up her decorated ass, I’m going somewhere else.
And as I hoofed it back to my car I realized I was within walking
distance of the post office. I
needed to mail an old pager back to my former employers, and had been
carrying the thing around on my console for at least a week.
Maybe I should just take care of that now?
So I grabbed it, and the piece of paper where I’d written the address,
and made my way to the post office. My
butt cheeks were awash in
perspiration by the time I finally arrived, and was happy to see that
the line wasn’t too long. ‘Cause
a slower group of people there ain’t…
As I waited I heard something that sounded like a thousand birds
a-chirping. The heck?
At first I thought a couple of robins or whatever had flown into
the place, and were now up in the rafters raising hell.
But this clearly wasn’t just a couple of birds, it was lots and
lots of birds.
When it was my turn, I asked the guy what the crap was going on, and he
answered quite cryptically, “Chicks.”
Pardon?
He said somebody had mailed a bunch of baby chickens, chicks, and they were in the back room being processed.
Have you ever heard of such a thing?
Mailing chickens?! Was
this some kind of joke?
I laughed and asked if they’d been required to put a stamp on each
bird, and the guy apparently thought I was serious.
He said, “No sir, that’s not the way it’s done.”
As
I was walking back to my car I had to pass the haircut place, and on a
whim went back inside. Why drive
all over town, and go through this parking crapola again, just because
of a grudge? Tattoo Girl began
apologizing profusely, and said something about being diabetic.
Who the hell knows?
She never stops talking, and this time
was going on and on about CDs. She
said she still likes them, and buys at least one per week.
Her boyfriend, however, downloads everything.
When he does buy a CD he instantly puts it on his computer, and
sells the disc back to a store.
Whatever. I just grunted when it
was appropriate, and let her spew forth.
She went on to tell me that most of her friends download as well,
because their CDs get scratched. After
a few weeks, she said, they’re not even playable anymore.
Can this possibly be true? I have
thousands of CDs, and God knows I play them.
None, as far as I know, have a single scratch.
What are these people doing with their discs to render them
unplayable after only a few weeks? Strapping
them to the bottoms of their shoes?
I thought about asking her, but I’d probably still be there listening
to the answer. So screw it.
Who gives a shit, anyway?
-- On Saturday I took the oldest
Secret to lunch. I told him he
could pick the place, and he said he wanted to go to Red Lobster (or Ret Lopster, for those of you in Atlanta
). I told him there was no way in
hell we’re going there, so pick another place.
It’s good to be king...
We went back to the Chinese buffet, and it hit the spot.
I tried to strike up a few “serious” conversations with the
boy, but he just wanted to talk about Knoebels.
So that’s what we talked about.
Apparently we’re going there next weekend?
I was informed of this today.
After lunch we met Toney and the youngest Secret at a movie theater, and
we all watched the new Pirates
flick. Yeah, it’s not very
good, and also incredibly long. You
know that cliché where people say, “Sure, it’s three hours.
But you don’t even notice!” That
can’t be used in this case. Oh
you notice it, you notice it real
good.
Once it finally ended, we walked outside and found several ambulances, a
fire truck, and two or three police cars.
I said, “What happened, did somebody die of boredom?”
This caused a few laughs amongst my fellow beleaguered
theater-goers.
That night we cooked hamburgers on the grill, and drank more than our
allotted number of Red Hooks.
I always liked that beer, but these were kinda disappointing.
Has something changed with Red Hook?
What’s the deal? Does
anyone know?
-- On Sunday I spent the day
faxing out resumes, and running my hands through my hair.
After dinner we went to the block party, and it wasn’t nearly
as much fun as last year’s. Probably
because the drunken harmonica master wasn’t in attendance; he was
reportedly drunk somewhere else this weekend.
There was a hare-lipped man there, who was the de facto host.
He walked around introducing people, encouraging conversation,
and trying to keep things interesting. And
it made me sad to realize that a person with a mouth like a tea pitcher
has far more social skills
than I’ll ever have.
It was fun to monitor the way he talked, though, as the evening
continued and the beer flowed. By
the end it sounded like somebody was turning his volume knob up and
down; you could only make out portions of words.
Oh, and somebody else was wearing a Brooklyn Dodgers cap(!), which
really glazed my bear claw. I wear the
Brooklyn
cap, not other people. It’s
like showing up at Matthew Lesko’s house in a suit covered with
question marks. It’s simply not
done.
-- On Monday we took Andy with
us, and watched the Memorial Day parade go by.
That was fun, in a Mayberry kind of way.
The weather was perfect, everybody seemed to be happy and in a
good mood, and the parade was as interesting as small-town parades ever
get.
At one point a large retarded man broke from the crowd and began
marching beside a group of baton twirlers.
He was stepping high and trying to emulate their every movement,
with a big shit-eater frozen on his face.
Eventually his handlers got him back under control, and order was
restored. Good times.
I tried to get a good picture, but this
is the best I could do.
In the afternoon I went to Circuit
City
in an attempt to take them up on their offer of “Every CD Is $9.99!”
I jotted down a list of four or five discs I wanted (including
the new Dinosaur
Jr.), and had every intention of handing over some of my money.
But they don’t have anything there. Have
you looked at the CD selection at Circuit
City
lately? I literally have more
music at my house. Pitiful. I
assume it’s because the young and tattooed consider a round piece of
plastic to be far too inconvenient?
I don’t know. But I
couldn’t find a DAMN thing to buy, and that’s a sad state of
affairs.
And now you’re up to date on our weekend.
Did you do anything fun? permalink
May 25, 2007
-- Any plans for the long
weekend? We have a few, but
nothing overly ambitious.
I guess we’re going to take the younglings to the new Pirates
movie (three hours?!), and I think Toney and I are supposed to take one
kid each to lunch on Saturday. That’s
something we do every once in a while, so the Secrets can have some
alone-time with us away from their brothers.
I think it’s a valuable exercise.
And there’s a block party on Saturday night, which was an unexpected
blast last year. So we’re going
again. Last time the kids all
played together while the adults got drunk, and a man eventually started
playing blues harmonica. It was
crazy, and I'm a big fan of crazy.
What about you? Any plans?
-- Our dog Andy is back in the
saddle. He remained distant and
detached yesterday, and barely even yelled at the mailman.
But at 3 am
last
night he let loose and went on a wild barking jag that woke up the
entire house. It almost brought a
tear to my eye.
Today he’s his old self again, and rode shotgun while I took the
youngest Secret to school (dog is my co-pilot).
Buck sent me another newspaper clipping
this morning, and I’m starting to suspect these might be fakes.
I have no recollection of dying, none whatsoever.
-- Speaking of Buck, here’s
a voicemail he left on my cell phone the day after I lost my job.
Yes, it’s important to have a strong support network…
-- I recently finished off
complete seasons of three TV shows (24,
Veronica Mars, Homicide) and am now filling in with a few movies, before cranking
up three more series.
Last night I watched The
Queen, and it was pretty good, I guess.
I’ve got Bourne Identity and
Bourne Supremacy in the chamber as well, and might ingest a couple
more.
Then it’ll be time for The Wire
season one, The Shield season
one, and Rescue Me season two.
Netflix is all about the TV shows for me.
Is that unusual? When
I joined their comfy little cult I thought I’d be renting movie after
movie, but find that I actually enjoy TV
shows more.
Will somebody please hold me?
-- One last question about the
Surf Report t-shirts, before I finally man-up and place an order for the
things. Which color combination
do y’all prefer, olive & tan or gray & black?
Let me know, and I’ll put this thing to rest.
It seems like I’ve been hemming for months now, and hawing even
longer.
-- This
is a good article about those Doc Martens ads I have linked
on the homepage. Are the ads
tasteless, or kinda cool? You can
probably guess my opinion.
-- And finally, here’s
yet another Smoking Fish sighting, this time in Hawaii
.
Our logo, man, he gets around. Thanks
for the pic, Tim!
Hey, you know what would be great? If
we could somehow feature a map of the country here,
and when you click on each state a Fish picture opens from
that state. It could be a fun
project to fill in the entire U.S., and would be really cool once
finished.
So, let’s work on that, ‘kay?
You guys have yourselves a great holiday weekend, and check the site on
Monday for a possible Sunshine & Mumbles update.
I’m not promising anything, but I’ll do what I can.
And now it's almost time for me to abandon the subterranean babyshit-green
bunker, and move to my afternoon office at Panera Bread.
Laugh all you want, but I'm getting stuff done since my new office came
online; I'm a freakin' word processor now that I've fully
surrendered to pretentious bastardism. Yesterday I spent at least an
hour instant messaging with Metten and Mark Maynard there, and still
managed to crank off an amazing amount of bad writing. It's a beautiful
thing.
See ya next time. permalink
May 24, 2007
-- Andy chased the white rabbit
yesterday afternoon, and lived to bark the tale.
I felt incredibly guilty tricking him into eating the peyote
button, or whatever it was, and when he started walking around all
wobbly, like he was attempting to climb a flight of invisible stairs, it
didn’t help matters either.
But he went for his hair appointment, and was mellow, man. Usually he’d
be a basket-case in such situations, quite possibly lunging at throats
and whatnot, but he didn’t seem to have a care in the world yesterday.
And now he’s all clean and neat, and looks like a pup again.
He’s still not acting completely normal, he’s kinda quiet and
distant, but I’m sure he’ll be his old self again soon.
Right? The big test will
be when the mailman arrives. If
Andy doesn’t go ass-over-tits as usual, I’m going to start worrying.
You don’t think we did permanent damage, do you?
-- We’re right in the middle of
nose nectar season up here in northeastern PA.
Everything is in bloom, and my nostrils are going to town:
just as clear as mountain spring water…
A few days ago I launched into an extended sneezing jag in the living
room, then unknowingly walked around for fifteen minutes or so sporting
a large brooch of snot on the front of my shirt.
Toney said, for about the fifth time this month, “You’re
incredibly gross.”
I’m not really a fan of nose nectar season.
It reminds me of a vacation we took years ago, when I sneezed
almost continuously for a full week. I’m
not joking, it was nearly ‘round the clock sneezing, and I was pretty
much incapacitated the whole time.
Yes, Sporegon is a beautiful state, but I don’t think I could live
there.
-- And speaking of that, my Mom
told me yesterday that an old man who “dates” one of my aunts
sneezed at a picnic recently, and his pants fell down.
Is that not excellent? I
submit that it is.
-- I have a couple of quick
technical questions for you guys.
First… will I be able to load Microsoft Word onto my laptop without
encountering a bunch of running my hands through my hair
problems? I have the original
installation disc, but does Microsoft allow you to use it on multiple
machines? Anything I should know
before jumping into that swirling cesspool?
It’s not gonna lock my shit down, is it?
And second… do you know of a way
I might be able to save a cell phone voicemail to my computer as an mp3?
I have a message from Buck that I’ve been hanging onto since
February, and you guys really need to hear it.
-- Also, any opinions about the
season finale of LOST?
Toney and I watched it in real time last night, instead of
recording it to the DVR like we usually do.
And the thing that keeps jumping to the front of my mind this
morning is the hilarious glue-on Paul McCartney beard Jack was sporting
in the flashbacks, or flashforwards, or whatever they were.
Wot up wit dat? It looked like
they bought that thing at Party
City
.
Any thoughts on the show? Did it
fold your brain in two, like it did mine?
Sweet sainted mother of Zoogz Rift!
And now we have to wait until February for a new episode...
The basta’ds.
-- I know this one is registering
a tad high on the blowsameter, but I’ve got about five things going on
here this morning. Plus I’m
really hungry all of a sudden, and have a powerful hankering for mashed
potatoes and gravy.
So, I’m gonna turn it over to Brad now,
and call it a day.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow. permalink
May 23, 2007
-- Andy’s going on his Magical
Mystery Tour today. I’m
supposed to wrap a piece of ham around a pill at 11:30
, and feed it to him. And by 1:00
, when his groomer appointment is scheduled to commence, he’ll
presumably be flying like Sunshine on “antibiotics,” and not have a
care in the world.
Is it crazy that I’m wracked with guilt?
The thought of exploiting Andy’s trust in me, and tricking him
into eating drugs, makes me sad. I
have visions of our poor border collie watching the sun rise in the
desert tomorrow, and barking, “I get it!
Sweet Jesus, I get it!!”
I wish the whole thing was over, and he was back to just being on
high-alert for the sound of potato chip bags rattling, and the engine of
a UPS truck off in the distance. The
way God made him.
-- Speaking of Sunshine…
She left a single rose in a vase on the windowsill of our family
room. I think Mumbles gave it to
her for Mother’s Day, or something like that, and she left it behind.
What do you think are the chances there’s a listening device in that
flower? Wonder if they’ve spent
the past few days in North Carolina eavesdropping on our conversations
here(!), and drawing conclusions? Hell,
maybe there was a bug in that cookie
Nostrils left “filed” on my CD rack in December as well!
Or have I just been watching too much Veronica
Mars?
-- I watched Little
Children a couple of nights ago, and immediately wanted to fling
myself off Suicide
Bridge
. Have you seen that uplifting
film? Holy shitballs, Batman.
I nearly had to break the glass on the box in our family room, and
remove the copy of Deuce Bigelow:
Male Gigolo housed inside for extreme emergencies.
But I was able to dial it back at the last moment.
It was a very close call, though. Whew!
-- I’ve been doing a lot of
anthropological work at local bars and restaurants lately, just
observing people and trying to pinpoint the exact reasons they get on my
nerves. And here are a few of my
findings:
In addition to their Inner Sanctum voices, teenagers are always
performing for each other. It’s
just a never-ending show, complete with too-loud laughter for no
apparent reason, and the wholesale waving of arms.
That gets on my nerves.
A lot of people, teenage boys especially, seem to believe that if you
take something that isn’t funny on its own, and say
it real loud, it instantly
becomes funny. “If you can’t
be funny, be loud” is a theory that gets on my nerves.
Some men like to walk around acting like they’re muscle-bound, when
they are not. It’s a certain
way of moving, where their arms never actually touch their sides,
because of oversized phantom muscles. Maybe
they’re fooling some people, but they’re not fooling me.
And they’re getting on my nerves.
Stay tuned for more science in the coming days.
-- Toney and I just finished the
fifth season of Homicide:
Life on the Street
and a funny thing has happened. That
show has pretty much ruined Law
& Order for us.
I’m not kidding, we can barely watch Scrote and his buddies anymore,
because of predictability and high-lameness concerns.
We used to think it was a pretty good franchise, before renting Homicide
from Netflix. But now it’s all
shot to shit.
We had two new episodes of SVU
(a former fave) saved to our box, and sat through one of ‘em last
night. And the second one got deleted, because we were shocked at the
elevated level of suck we’d just endured.
I didn’t think it was possible, but Homicide
has driven a stake right through the heart of Scrote.
-- Some rare good news:
the new
Wilco CD
is excellent. I had some early
concerns that the thing might be crushingly dull, but it only took three
or four listens before the songs started worming their way into my
brain. And now I can’t stop
playing it. In fact, it’s
cranking right now in the bunker, for the second time this morning.
-- And I think that’ll just
about do it for today, my friends. I’ll
leave you now with a question: what’s
the most memorable example of bathroom graffiti you’ve ever
encountered?
Mine was at Moe’s & Joe’s bar in Atlanta
. It read:
“If you voted for Newt Gingrich you can’t shit here, because
your asshole is in Washington
.” The fact that it targeted
Newt has nothing to do with it, I just think it’s funny.
Are there any such things that jump to the front of your mind?
Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And if you’ve ever been the author
of shitter poetry, we’d like to know about that as well.
I'll see you guys tomorrow. permalink
May 22, 2007
-- Yesterday afternoon I indulged
my fantasy of becoming a Pretentious Bastard for a Day, and took my
laptop to Starbucks.
I figured I could buy a cup of their bitter diarrhea coffee, sit in an
overstuffed chair for an hour or two, and act like I’m extremely busy
creating art. And maybe, if all
went well, I might even get a little work done.
Not my main goal, of course, but a nice possible consequence….
I even considered stopping at Eckerd Drug on the way, and buying a pair
of half-glasses to wear way out on the end of my nose.
But I thought that might be pushing it for a first-timer, so I
just went in regular civilian clothing.
I’d never even set foot in the place. Oh,
I’ve been in Starbucks plenty of times, just not this particular
location. And I was surprised to
find there weren’t any fellow Pretentious Bastards in attendance.
It was just a mother-daughter team sitting in a corner designed
to resemble a rich person’s library, and me.
I set up my computer, using one of their electric outlets (since my
battery has completely shit the bed), and went to the counter to order a
cup of fresh-brewed stool softener.
I told the girl I wanted coffee, just
regular coffee, and she asked what size.
As she said this she waved her hand like Vanna White past a
lineup of sample cups, each emblazoned with the words Venti and Grande
and that sort of thing.
I said, “Medium.”
Once seated I attempted to connect to the internet, but there was no
Wi-Fi in that place. Or, as some
folks call it, wiffy…. And what’s the deal with that?
I thought Starbucks is all about hanging out with your laptop and
being insufferable? I considered
asking the people behind the counter, but screw it.
I hadn’t come there to read the Drudge Report, I’d come to
“write,” and that’s what I intended to do.
So I located and opened the appropriate file, and got down to business.
And that’s when the noise started.
For one thing, everybody working there was a teenage girl.
And all were using that irritating “creaking door” voice.
Man, I hate that. One in
particular sounded like The Inner
Sanctum was coming on, every time she opened her mouth.
Wot up with the teenage girl creaking door thing?!
Can somebody please explain it to me?
It makes me want to start throwing haymakers.
They were talking about the word raspberry.
One of the girls was amazed, simply amazed, that there’s a P in
it. She told some long-winded
tale about how she’d gotten into an argument with her mother about how
to spell raspberry, and that she’d insisted
there was no P involved.
While this gripping story continued, people were running blenders and
apparently transferring great quantities of ice from one metal container
to another, just continuously. And
there was a stereo speaker right above my head, pumping out a recording
of a woman scat-singing over cocktail jazz.
Perhaps I’m not Pretentious Bastard material, after all?
I finished off my coffee and, right on schedule, sensed a disturbance in
the lower quadrant. Great. I considered driving
home and taking care of the low-grade problem, but quickly abandoned the
idea. By the time I drove there,
let loose a grande
scattershot, talked to everyone, then drove back, I’d lose at least a
half-hour. I’d just tap into my
old ColonMaster talents, and venture forth.
I decided to give up on Starbucks and go to Borders, another Pretentious
Bastard hotspot. I called Toney
as I drove, and she suggested I try Panera Bread instead.
I’d never set foot inside that place either (I’m more of a
Wendy’s kinda guy), and didn’t like the sound of it.
But Borders is always crowded and insane, so at the last minute I
decided to give it a shot.
And it was perfect. They have
wiffy there, just as fast as hell, and the place is big and comfortable.
I sat in a corner and got lots of extracurricular writing done,
while sipping a bottomless Dr. Pepper. Plus,
I was just one of a dozen or so other PBs, which put me at ease.
I think I might’ve found my new afternoon office.
For whatever reason, I’m having trouble getting things done at
home. I think all the time spent
here is starting to get to me, and I’m feeling a powerful urge to
shake things up a bit.
So, if you need me I’ll be at Panera Bread this afternoon, the fat guy
in the corner with the Brooklyn Dodgers cap and broccoli cheddar goatee.
Now here’s our old friend Buck to
close out the category.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow. permalink
May 21, 2007
-- Toney and I took Andy to the
vet on Friday. My wife insisted I
go this time, so I could see how “bad” our dog acts at the doctor’s
office. I’d heard wild tales of barking, snarling, shaking, and
power-shitting atop elevated examination tables.
And Toney wanted to prove they weren’t exaggerated.
A full-time job insulates me from this type of thing, but now I’m
taking the kids to dentist appointments, and the whole nine yards.
Three months ago I didn’t know where any of those offices were
even located, and here I am today making small talk with receptionists
like we’re old buddies... To
tell you the truth, I don’t much care for it.
Anyway, it was time for Andy’s yearly checkup, and I was required to
go. He jumped into my car, just
as happy as crap, not having any idea what horrors awaited him.
Toney, of course, had to navigate and tell me where to drive, and
the place is located on a street I didn’t even know existed.
From what I could tell, it’s a vet’s office/daycare center hybrid.
So, it’s toddlers and diseased animals...
Pass the beer nuts.
I attached the leash to Andy’s collar, and he bounded out of my Camry
with a spring in his step and a smile on his snout.
He still didn’t know where we were.
But when we got up to the door, and he took a reading with his
constantly-working nostrils, the emergency brake was thrown.
All four of his legs locked into position, and I had to
practically drag him into the building.
The woman at the desk told us to have a seat in the waiting room, and we’d
be called shortly.
By now Andy was shaking like Janet Reno on a hayride, and prancing
around on his tiptoes. I took a
look at the chairs in that room, and most were covered, covered,
in dog or cat hair, so I decided to just stand.
Andy finally sat on my feet and shuddered visibly.
I told him he’d better not open the bomb bay doors, or I’d
auction him off on eBay.
The receptionist eventually called us back to the exam room, and our dog
barked at her. Like a Doberman at
a junkyard. But the woman had
apparently heard it all before, and didn’t even react to Andy’s
diatribe. I had to pull him down
a linoleum hallway to the room, and it was as if our family pet was
constructed of some sort of heavy plaster.
Once inside Andy never stopped moving. He
walked ‘round and ‘round, completely stressed-out, and I was certain
it was only a matter of time before we’d all be treated to the majesty
of a fecal fountain. I just hoped
I’d be outside the shot pattern when it went off.
A teenage girl wearing scrubs came into the room, and forced Andy onto a
scale. He weighs 40 pounds, which
is apparently too much. I guess
the spaghetti feeds are catching up to him?
I don’t know, but they told us he should weigh around 32.
And they looked directly at me
when they said “no table foods!” Why
me?? What’s that all about?
The doctor finally came into the room, and he was wearing a whimsical
novelty tie. Not a fan.
He checked Andy’s chart, and I guess there was a note in there
about him trying to bite people who sport retarded neckwear, and he
handed us a muzzle and asked us to put it on our poor, frightened
doggie.
Here’s a pic I snapped with my
cell phone. Is that not sad?
Man, that just breaks my big sluggish heart…
I lifted Andy onto the examination table, careful to “aim” his ass
away from me, and at the
doctor when possible. The doc
shined a flashlight into our dog’s eyes and ears, and suddenly it
smelled like Fisherman’s Wharf in there.
I’m not kidding, it was full-on fish market in that place.
What in the hell?!
“Oh, he’s compressed his anal gland!” the doctor shouted.
And he began wiping some kind of fluid off the wall with a
Kleenex. He went on to explain
that dogs have a gland “back near their anus” which they compress
when nervous. This reportedly
sends a spray of some sort of fishy mist into the air, and scares off
predators. Or whatever.
I’d never heard of such a thing in my entire life, and I’m 44.
Was this guy pulling my leg? What
in the sweet ‘n’ sour hell?! A
mist-emitting anal gland? What do
you know about this? Did I get
Punk’d by a man in a Garfield
tie? I need closure, dammit.
Andy received a distemper shot, which he apparently didn’t even feel,
and we had to buy something like $150 worth of flea and heartworm
medicine. Then it was over.
Before we left, Toney asked about grooming.
Andy is in desperate need of some maintenance, but he gets so
stressed great clumps of hair fall out. So
we don’t subject him to it.
But it’s past the point of no return now, and we’re going to have to
turn him over to a professional soon. The
doctor nodded knowingly, and gave us a pack of ten sedatives.
He told us to give Andy one pill ninety minutes before his hair
appointment, “to take the edge off.”
Or, if we prefer, we could give him two, to make him “like a
drunken sailor.”
When we got home Toney called a groomer near our house, and made an
appointment for Wednesday. During
the middle of the day... When she’s
at work, and I’m at home…
Well, that’s simply excellent.
-- Before I call it a day here, I’d
like to alert you to some Big Media Attention we’ve received recently.
Here’s a small piece from the
latest issue of Rolling Stone, the one with Keith Richards and Johnny Depp on the
cover. Pretty cool.
It’s always been a dream of mine to have a sandwich I ate for
lunch appear in a national publication, and now it’s happened!
And Buck sent me this one, from
the pages of the Scranton Times. I don’t
remember sitting for the interview, but apparently I did.
Good stuff.
Finally, this
doesn’t have anything to do with me, but it makes me laugh.
As does this.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow. permalink
May 21, 2007
-- Yesterday was fun.
But I still haven’t heard anything about the job opening, and
that situation weighed heavily on my mind all day.
Following the third interview
on Monday (all three combined totaled seven hours) they said they would
be making a decision soon, and I’d receive a phone call on Tuesday or
Wednesday – one way or the other.
And now it’s Friday, and I haven’t heard a thing.
It’s driving me right up to the brink of insanity.
Toney believes they offered it to somebody else, and that person hasn’t
accepted yet. So they’re
stringing me along in case the answer is no.
That makes the most sense of all the scenarios I’ve cooked-up
inside my head over the past few days, but it doesn’t exactly give me
a warm and fuzzy feeling. Ya
know?
Hell, for all I know, it might be another of their "tests."
Those folks are big on "tests."
One thing I do know.
After the mail is delivered, I’m calling ‘em.
I’ll wait until the mail gets here, in case there’s a Dear
Jeff letter in there. But after
that they’re receiving a person-to-person call straight from the Surf
Report Compound. This can’t
drag-out over a weekend, or I’ll end up in a state hospital laughing
hysterically at a bread tie.
-- I tried my best not to drone
on and on about it yesterday, for Steve’s sake.
But I think I checked my cell phone for messages roughly 100
times. It pisses me off that I
wasn’t able to fully submit to
the Baseball Hall of Fame, but that’s the way it goes, I guess.
Last time I toured the museum the place was packed.
But since school is still in session, and we went on a Thursday
this year, we had plenty of elbow room. It
was nothing short of excellent.
We were able to linger at certain displays, and take it all in, instead
of having assholes breathing down our necks and willing us out of their way. There’s
so much to see in that place you could visit it over and over again and
discover something new every time.
It was nice not to be rushed for a change.
After we finished with the Hall itself, we went to a few of the baseball
memorabilia shops that line Main Street
, and I bought a t-shirt somewhere, and a milk shake.
Steve picked up a scary-ass Cal Ripken bobble-head doll, with a
head that’s roughly life-sized. I
didn’t even want to look at that thing; I’m almost certain it winked
at me a few times. Shit!
Unfortunately, I can’t remember anything of note to report to you now
(can you tell my mind is elsewhere?). But
here are a bunch of pictures I
snapped during the day, and hopefully they’ll give you a flavor of the
place.
-- Before
I turn it over to Brad, a couple of quick things...
I did indeed win the auction for Sunshine & Mumbles on Wednesday,
but I had to go all the way up to their price limit.
As expected, there was a flurry of activity during the final two
minutes, and it almost got away from me.
When I told Sunny the news she wasn’t exactly thrilled.
She didn’t understand how the price stayed the same for two
days, then rocketed upwards by $150 in five minutes.
I tried to explain it to her, but the voices inside her head were
apparently drowning me out.
Whatever. The strap-on oxygen
tanks will be hers, and she’ll
now be able to go on spacewalks inside Burlington Coat Factory.
Pass the beer nuts.
Also… Toney woke me up at 5 am
today, and told me the downstairs toilet had overflowed – big time.
I said OK, and turned over to face the opposite direction.
But apparently she wanted me to get up.
At five o’clock
in the morning!
With great effort, I went downstairs and there was water everywhere.
The hell, man?! It was all
the way out into the hallway, and the carpet was soaked.
Luckily nothing had been deposited into the shit funnel before the
mishap occurred. Toney said she
went in there and the water was real high in the bowl(?!), and it looked
like there was shredded toilet paper swirling around.
So she flushed it and there was a strange bloop sound, then everything went downhill from there.
We both spent at least thirty minutes on water-removal duty (before even
an ounce of coffee was
consumed), and the carpet is still slushy.
It never freakin’ stops.
-- Here’s
something new and good from Brad, and I’m calling it a day.
I’ve got more, but screw it. If
I get any news about the job, I’ll post it in the comments.
Have a great weekend, folks.
See ya on Monday. permalink
May 17, 2007
-- The first time I visited the
Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY, I was thirteen or fourteen
years old. My family, for reasons
unknown, decided to forego Myrtle Beach
for a summer, and go north for a change.
It was a hell of a lot of driving, but also one of the most
memorable vacations of them all.
We took in a baseball game at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh
, and another at Fenway
Park
in Boston. When we emerged from
the tunnel at Fenway, and I saw the fabled Green Monster in left field,
my knees almost buckled. My
emotional reaction rivaled that of the Night of the First
Three-Dimensional Breast, a few years later.
I saw New York City
for the first time on that trip as well.
We took a tourist bus around town, and it was quite a
mind-blowing affair for a hillbilly child.
This was back in the ‘70s, remember, when New York
was still a swirling sewer of derelicts, drug addicts, whores, and
vomit. We walked through Times
Square
and a man shoved a flier into my hand with a picture of a naked woman on
it, with pubic hair the size of a coonskin cap.
My mother almost had a stroke.
When our bus drove through Harlem
they made an announcement warning us not to take any photographs.
The residents there don’t like it, the guide said, and
sometimes there’s violence. Gulp.
I can remember block after block of long benches, on the
outskirts of some seedy “park,” filled with black guys giving us the
finger and throwing beer cans in our general direction.
I also remember a massive billboard advertising A Bridge Too Far. It must’ve
been five stories tall, and stretched a full city block.
Oh, and we drove past the home of Phil Silvers.
And those are my main memories of NYC, circa 1977 (or whatever).
On that trip we also visited Niagara Falls
. We put on funky-ass raincoats
and took a boat all the way up to falls themselves.
And it seems like we went behind
them as well. Is that possible?
Or is my brain just over-dramatizing things?
That’s when we ventured into Canada
and stayed at a nasty hotel, and my Dad got uncharacteristically pissed
at me and my brother. The place
was really gross, with roaches in the bathroom, tables on a radical
slant, and a flea market print of “Blue Boy” hanging over the beds,
with one eye shot-out via some sort of firearm.
My brother and I started howling in protest and my Dad basically told us
to shut the hell up, we’re staying here.
There was a clear implication he believed we were acting like a
couple of fancy-lads.
Dejected
and hurt, we walked down to the pool and found a crowd of people
screaming and pawing at the ladders. There
was a turd in the water! And some
kid was on the sidewalk providing the play-by-play, while the butt chunk
floated past. “She’s
breaking up! She’s
breaking up!!”
I’ve been pondering this question for the past thirty years:
how does a turd get into a swimming pool in broad daylight, with
dozens of people around? Did
somebody shit their pants while swimming(!?), pull back their waistband,
and simply set free the poop? It
doesn’t seem plausible on any level.
Cooperstown
was really small and out in the
middle of nowhere, which surprised me. But
it was incredibly cool. I
remember they had a telephone at the Hall of Fame that you could pick up
and hear Babe Ruth talking to you. It’s
not there anymore, probably because it freaked people out.
You know, having phone conversations with the dead and all…
After the Hall itself, we walked around town and I accidentally ripped
the cover off a 1947 Boston Red Sox scorebook, inside some shop.
The owner heard the ripping noise, and came running.
He saw what I’d done, and said calmly, “You’re not helping
me any, kid.”
That’s all he said, and somehow it made me feel far worse than if he’d
yelled for ten minutes. Mind
games, man…
And at the hotel a couple of girls, cute and roughly my age,
complimented me on the t-shirt I was wearing.
It was standard geek-wear, and featured the cover of Sgt. Pepper. Being thirteen
and a big ol’ goober, I could only manage to look at my shoes and
grunt, “Yeah.”
My Dad told me they were trying to flirt, and I needed to put forth a
little more effort. Thinking
back, I should’ve told him it was easy for him to say.
He wasn’t seven foot tall, one hundred pounds, and sporting a
ludicrous haircut straight out of the American Basketball Association. He
wasn't hideous.
I believe I came very close to dying of puberty, I’m not kidding.
And I really appreciated the critiques
of the dark, dark struggle, I really did.
Anyway, Steve should be here soon, and we’re going on our fourth or
fifth excursion to Cooperstown
since I moved to
Pennsylvania
in 2000.
After all these years it’s still one of the best places on
Earth.
And I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.
See ya then. permalink
May 16, 2007
-- I’ve been assigned the
responsibility of monitoring and making appropriate bids in an eBay
auction for Sunshine and Mumbles. It
ends today, around
noon
, and somehow it’s been left to me to make sure they win that bitch.
And I don’t much care for it.
They’re bidding on some sort of hilarious apparatus that looks like
the oxygen tanks a deep sea diver might wear on his back.
I guess it’ll allow Sunny to be more mobile, and presumably do even
more shopping. Because, you
see, she has lungs the size of tea bags.
Yeah, and I know how that’ll all shake out.
Mumbles will end up having to strap on the tank harness, and then
be required to walk near her
all the time. It’ll be like she’s
tethered to the mother ship and on a spacewalk inside TJ Maxx every day.
I can hear her now: “Dammit Mumbles, the line is stretched! You need
to stay within a two-rack radius of me at all times!!
…Gawd, you’ve upset me; turn up the flow!”
I just hope nothing goes wrong, and one of those auction assassins doesn’t
come in with two seconds left to go, and the whole thing comes crashing
down. Because I’ll get the
blame, and it’ll never be forgotten.
Both of them are completely clueless about the process (they think bids
can only be placed from Toney’s computer, and that if you close the
page you’ve “disconnected” and are thus out of the running) and
are relying on me to make this Hilarious Apparatus procurement deal
happen.
They’ve already called me twice this morning to get updates.
And, like I said, I don’t much care for it.
-- I didn’t hear anything
yesterday from the company I’ve interviewed with three times.
On Monday they told me they’d be making a decision on Tuesday
or Wednesday, and would let me know either way.
So, I’m stuck in the waiting mode.
My old boss in California told me they called him yesterday, and asked a
bunch of questions about me. No
way to paint that negatively, is there? They
wouldn’t be making such calls if I were out of the running.
But, of course, there are still plenty of ways this might not work out
for me. Like money, for instance.
A 44 year old fat man with almost two decades of relevant
experience doesn’t come cheaply, dammit.
So, that could be a problem. Or
they might just go with someone else, straight up.
All I know is, I need closure
like a m |
The
State May
2007
