| March
31, 2008
Weekend
get-together at the Compound
--
Black Lips Houlihan (aka Andy) has returned home, but he's
acting strange. I don't know if
he's mad, and giving us attitude, or if he's missing my parents.
'Cause he had a pretty good deal going in
West Virginia
…
My
Mom and Dad are retired, so there was somebody with Andy almost all
the time. He got two long walks
every day, another dog to play with, and continuous praise and
attention. And I seriously
doubt he was called a quivering sack o' ticks, even once.
So,
I'm thinking he might be in mourning, because he has to live with us
again. And how sad is that?
It would be much easier to take if he was just pissed, and
giving us a cold doggie-shoulder.
Clearly,
there's but one thing to do: buy back his love with cookies, car
rides, and spaghetti with meat sauce.
Because I miss Andy Classic.
Continue reading here 
March 27, 2008
Too
chubby to fit in regular sizes
--
We had an 8 PM
flight
out of Newark
,
and Toney thought we should leave our house at one in the afternoon.
It seemed excessively early to me, since it's less than two
hours to the airport, but I wasn't going to be held responsible if
something went wrong and we missed our flight.
Know what I mean?
Turns out nothing went wrong, and it wasn't too early.
By the time we drove, stopped at a McDonald's in New Jersey
(where I ordered a sweet tea, and the girl looked at me like I was
speaking the Xhosa click language), parked, rode a shuttle to the
terminal, checked our bags, went through security, and all the other
crapola necessary, we didn't have an abundance of time to spare.
The British Airways check-in area is in a basement, and feels like an
afterthought. It looks like
they just wedged it in there, because there were no better options.
It's also dry and dusty, and far too warm.
While we waited (and waited some more), Toney had some kind of
scary coughing fit, and I was afraid we were on the verge of an
"incident."
Continue
reading here
March 26, 2008
3
Random and Unrelated Images
--
You know how you often go on vacation, or take a trip
somewhere, and it feels like you stayed one
day too long?
Well, we didn’t have that experience with our London
adventure.
Oh, it was certainly time to come home…
But it felt natural and true, like one more day would be too
much, and one less wouldn’t be quite enough.
We got out of there exactly when we should’ve, and don’t
usually synchronize things so well. We
accidentally got it right.
We were dreading the flight back, but it wasn’t bad at all.
Our shuttle showed up at the hotel as scheduled, we got to
Heathrow with time to spare, and there were no issues whatsoever.
It was shockingly stress-free.
They were offering eighteen(!) movie choices on the airplane, and I
was interested in exactly one of ‘em:
Juno.
But that channel – and ONLY that channel – wouldn’t work.
I thought about asking one of the sashaying “attendants”
about it, but knew nothing would come from such an exercise.
Continue
reading here
March 17, 2008
How
he'll be traveling next time
--
Operation Andy Drop is complete.
Our dog is now at my parents' house, hanging around on their
couches instead of ours, and I'm returned home with a chronic case of
Phantom Ass Syndrome (PAS).
It pretty much sucked, but the rest of us can now leave on our Big
Trip, assured that our beloved Black Lips Houlihan is in safe,
reliable hands. And that's the
important part...
He
and I left on Friday morning around nine o'clock
.
I'd wanted to get on the road a little earlier, but you know
how it goes. I didn't exactly
have my shit together, and was rampaging through the house like a
retarded boy at a taffy pull, trying to avoid another "Why can't
you get your shit together?" lecture from Toney.
I
tossed a bunch of stuff into the trunk of my car, and flung some more
into the passenger seat. It
turned out I took some things I hadn't intended (I had no use for a
spaghetti strainer, for instance), and forgot other items.
I was already on the interstate when I realized I didn't have
Andy's leash, and had to go all the way back home and start over.
I might've said a few bad
words during this particular
segment of the trip...
Continue reading here
March 13, 2008
A
loving and selfless husband
--
I had to run a few errands today.
I got a haircut (from a dumplin woman with, apparently, cloves
of garlic tucked in her folds), had lunch at Subway (a 12-inch turkey
and ham sub, with lettuce, tomato, green pepper, and onion), picked up
a prescription for the oldest Secret (double ear infection – days
before leaving on our trip), bought a pair of jeans (to replace the
latest victim of my denim-destroying ass), and topped off my gas tank
at Sam’s Club (saving me a full three cents per gallon).
And I hate to be a whiner, I really do, but I just can’t shake that
low-grade “flu” I had earlier in the week.
I felt like shit on the half-shell on Sunday, and much better
on Monday. But I back-slid on
Tuesday, and haven’t been able to pull out of it since then.
Now I’ve got congestion, harmonica-neck, and a cough that
feels like a million needles flying around.
Also, my left contact lens has been giving me problems.
I can’t see without those things, glasses just don’t do the
trick, but I’m afraid I’m developing one of those weird Ralph
Nader wonk-eyes. And I can’t
have that. Today I put the
lenses in when I ran my errands, but have just been wearing glasses
around the house. And
everything’s in soft-focus, like on the Lifetime Channel.
Continue
reading here
March 12, 2008
Always
keep your eye on the ball
--
I realize it's only a few short steps from spoons or bells or
Avon
bottles, or whatever else old
ladies like to collect, but I have a thing for coffee mugs.
Whenever I visit someplace new, I always feel compelled to buy
a mug – just to make it official.
And,
as is so often the case, I have a very strict set of rules when it
comes to mug procurement. I
don't like novelty mugs, anything with an unorthodox shape, or the
ones made of rubber, or anything like that.
No, it has to be of standard construction, with a loop handle
on the side, and a simple design; nothing retina-searing or gaudy.
The only exception? Occasionally
I'll buy one of the big oversized models, the kind that requires two
hands to lift to your quivering lips, when full.
Oh, and pub glasses are also an acceptable substitute,
depending on the situation.
Over
the years I've built quite an impressive collection.
But Toney regularly weeds it out (without my involvement), and
moves the so-called excess to the basement.
So, I literally haven't seen many of my "pieces" in
years.
Continue reading here
March 11, 2008
Three
celebrities without their necks
--
I’m driving our dog Andy to West Virginia
on
Friday, and returning on Saturday. My
parents are going to watch the hound while we’re away next week, and
I’ll be logging roughly 1100 miles, roundtrip, to make it happen.
Crazy? Perhaps.
But we put him in a kennel years ago, when we went on this
trip to Cape May
,
and he barely survived. When we
went to pick him up he was skinny and terrorized, and big clumps of
fur had fallen out. He acted
like he didn’t even recognize us, and was walking toward the light,
I think.
Border collies are notoriously neurotic, but I think Andy got an extra
dose of it. And I vowed we’d
never put him through such an ordeal again.
So I’m driving 1100 miles to make sure he’s comfortable
while we’re away. It’s the
least I can do for good ol’ Black Lips Houlihan who, you know, lies
around on couches for our benefit.
--
In anticipation of the near future, I got an oil change over
the weekend. I was at least
three thousand miles overdue. I
also asked the guy to rotate the tires, check the air pressure, and
inspect the brakes. This is how
I do auto repair…
Continue
reading here
March 10, 2008
Beer
sandwiches drugs and beer
--
I'm suffering from an advanced case of kazoo-neck.
Every time I take a deep breath there's a lot of vibration and
buzzing, and it sounds like I've got a kazoo wedged in my windpipe.
I think I'm on the mend, but the weekend wasn't much fun.
I did a lot of couch-wallowing, and felt so shitty I couldn't
even enjoy it. I've learned
there's a big difference between sick-wallowing and lazy-wallowing, a
big difference indeed.
On Saturday I even took a nap during the middle of the day, something
I'm generally opposed to. Grown
men shouldn't nap. Ya know?
But in my weakened state I found myself powerless 'neath the
Scrote-watching blanket, and konked out for a good three hours.
Yes, it was almost Nostrilseque around our place this weekend; the
only things missing were the hot water bottle, the giant bouncing
Adam's apple, and the jugs of rot-gut skid row vodka.
Continue
reading here
March 7, 2008
Thanks,
but I believe I'll just have a Pepsi
--
Yep, I’m sick. I knew
it; I could feel it coming. My
throat hurts, and I’m dragging massive ass today.
I have a lengthy list of things I want to accomplish on my 3+
days away from work, but suspect I won’t be marking too many items
off. I just want to lie on the
couch and stare at the flickerbox. To
hell with it.
Last night we attended a so-called art show, at the older Secret’s
school. Here’s
a sample piece. And Toney’s
in Philadelphia today, attending a “flower
show” with her cousin, which means I’m responsible for
providing dinner tonight. Translation:
I’m responsible for driving
us to a restaurant tonight.
Plus, the mouse-killers are supposed to arrive between three
and four.
Sweet sainted mother of George Thoroughlygood!
Why so many complications? Can’t
a man just snuggle ‘neath a Scrote-watcher,
and allow the illness to run its course?
Apparently not. There is
no down-time, ever. Not ever.
Yes, the whining is officially underway.
Continue
reading here
March 6, 2008
Jive
that simply cannot be contained
--
Apparently field mice are entering and exiting our house at
will. At least that's what
Billy Bob Thornton tells us. For
$148 he'll get rid of the little bastards, and for $36 a month he'll
make sure they stay away.
We're
definitely taking him up on the "get rid of them" deal, but
are undecided about the monthly maintenance plan.
It would also cover ants, wasps, spiders, and all other
unwanted pests, with the exception of Pennsylvanians for Hillary
volunteers. So it's tempting.
In any case, a team of professionals is coming out on Friday and doing
what they do. Billy Bob said
something to Toney about traps and glue strips, and I don't know what
all. It's supposed to be
invisible to us, and safe for pets and kids.
Sounds good in the abstract, but we'll see what reality
brings...
The guy reportedly walked from room to room, looking in closets and
under stuff, and could tell Toney if mice had been hanging out in
there(!?). The good news?
The kitchen, living room, dining room, and bedrooms have yet to
be "visited." The bad
news? They've been frolicking
and having a mousely hoedown in the family room – and
the Surf Report bunker.
Continue
reading here
March 5, 2008
Satan
has no tiny Duke head
--
Still no evidence of the mouse Toney thinks she saw on Saturday
night. We've seen nothing,
heard nothing, found no leavings,
and Andy is acting normally. I
prefer to believe it was just a false alarm, that's the scenario that
works best for me.
But I don’t think I believe it. Every
time I enter the family room or the bunker now, especially at night
(for some reason), I brace myself for a spaniel-sized rat to come
falling from the ceiling – then, in one smooth continuous motion,
attach to my face.
Yeah, Toney said it was a really small field mouse, but it sure as
shit isn't in my "visions."
I think we should probably call a pest control outfit, especially
since the place will be sitting empty for a week.
But I know they'll find something, because it's in their best
interest to do so. And I a)
don't want to know about it, and b) don't want to pay for it.
But,
I guess, it's better than coming home from
England
and
finding a miniature version of Burning Man taking place in our
kitchen. Right?
Continue
reading here
March 3, 2008
Head:
she giveth, he taketh away
--
Earlier in the week Toney and I made a grand proclamation.
All four of us, we said, would chip in and clean the house
every Saturday morning, and wouldn’t go anywhere until it was done.
The insane schedule we keep makes it difficult to stay on top
of things, and all of us need to shoulder part of the responsibility.
So, we got out of bed on Saturday, the first Saturday, and Toney
looked at me over her coffee mug and said, “I don’t feel like
cleaning, do you?” I said,
“I never feel like cleaning,” and that was that.
So much for grand proclamations…
We had a few things we needed to take care of, and started at AAA in
downtown Scranton
.
There we traded some American money for British money.
Rather, we traded some American money for the
promise
of British money. They have to
get it from a bank in NYC, and it takes two business days.
I know there are ATMs all over London
,
but I think fees are usually at the jail-rape setting.
We’re already upside-down with the exchange rate, we don’t
need to make matters worse with “international exchange fees” and
other nonsensical code-phrases for legalized theft.
AAA members don’t have to pay any fees whatsoever, so we
ordered enough pounds sterling to at least get us started.
Continue
reading here
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The View From Down Here
