December 29, 2007
Our
Greatest Living Poet: All Hail the King!
--
My in-depth review of National
Treasure: Book of Secrets:
OK, I guess.
It was big and loud, and featured plenty of car chases and gunfire and
whatnot. And
the story is a fun conspiracy theory, straight off the George Noory
radio show.
I was entertained, but have a feeling I won’t remember much about it
in a month’s time. Empty
calories, as they say. But, at
least Nicolas Cage controlled himself and didn’t give his character
an annoying twitch or stutter, and that’s always a plus.
Every time I see that man, I steel myself for yet another novelty “I
am a great actor” personality trait.
I fully expect him to spend the next two hours blinking real
fast, jerking his head to one side for no apparent reason, or
displaying some similar irritating and unnecessary quirk.
But he plays it straight in this one, and I appreciate the kindness.
Continue
reading here 
December 27, 2007
The
Pocket Guide to John Dillinger
--
Apparently I was a bad boy in 2007, ‘cause Santa didn’t
grant me my one wish. Nancy and
the gang did
pass through here while my parents were visiting, but refused to come
to our house. Toney met them at
Starbucks on Christmas Eve instead, and they exchanged gifts amongst
manufactured atmosphere, in front of a crackling “fire.”
Wotta rip-off! Santa knew how
much I wanted to see my Dad and Nossy have a conversation.
It’s the only thing I asked for this year…
I’d like an
explanation, I really would. I believe I was pretty damn good this
year. Wonder if I have any
legal recourse? Wonder if I
could force the Santa people to release their papers on the matter?
I want to know what they knew, and when they knew it!
I’m seriously thinking about consulting a lawyer.
Continue
reading here
December 26, 2007
Powered
by a standard deep-cycle RV battery
--
And we’re back. I hope
you guys had/are having a wonderful holiday.
I’d rate ours as nice,
I guess. There was a lot of
stress up-front, and I was convinced (convinced!) the Secrets
weren’t getting enough loot. But
that just goes with the territory, right?
As it turned out, the boys seemed to have a great time and weren’t
disappointed at all. Toney told
me everything would turn out fine, that the Secrets were getting a
ridiculous number of gifts, and she was right, of course.
I just always panic at the last minute and want to rush out and buy
the kids one
more thing.
And Toney has to press a wet cloth to my forehead, hand me a
Samuel Adams Winter Lager, and talk me down.
It’s a Christmastime tradition here at the Compound.
The day my parents arrived was especially hectic.
We’d spent the previous 24 hours running around like mental
patients, dusting and cleaning and making the house as close to
spotless as it will ever be.
My Mom and Dad have a home like a freakin’ museum, you see, and
we’re always paranoid they’ll think we live like straight-up
holler trash, because there are crumbs in the bottom of the toaster,
or whatever.
Continue
reading here
December 21, 2007
Fan
letters to Dairy Queen corporate!
--
I went out yesterday afternoon and got some stuff done, so
I’m not quite so stressed today. My
parents will be here tomorrow though, and there are still a million or
so things left to do. But
it’ll all work out somehow, right? I’m
reasonably semi-certain of it.
The first stop on my Holiday Desperation Tour ’07 was the post
office, where the Surf Report PO Box is located. It’s over near my
old job, and I’m rarely in that part of town anymore.
What was once convenient, is now kinda stoopid and out of the
way...
But what are you going to do? No
way in hell I’m giving up PO Box
4
!
I’ve never had a number that low before.
And I’m not surrendering it.
By the time I get over there to check it, though, the shit is usually
packed solid with Wal-Mart fliers, pizza coupons, pre-approved credit
card offers, and pleas for donations from Friends of the Shiftless, or
whatever. Occasionally I’ll
get lucky and there will be a new copy of The
Inner Swine
in there, or a zine from Marc Parker,
but usually it’s a rather bleak affair.
But the last two times I’ve been pleasantly surprised by gifts from
Surf Reporters... And how cool
is that? Hm?
Continue reading here
December 20, 2007
Lotsa
fun until the end busts open
--
Yeah, I didn’t stay up all night, like I considered.
When I got off work I was dragging massive ass, and swerved
from side to side as I drove home, like Billy Joel.
I was atop the platform before 3:30
,
and didn’t want to get up in the “morning.”
So there goes seven more hours straight down the ol’
poop-catcher. Stupid sleep…
wotta rip-off.
-- When I typed the date at the
top of this thing, I felt a twinge of panic.
December 20! Sweet
sainted mother of Bonnie Franklin!! So
much left to do…
This update, just so you know up front, probably isn’t going
to amount to much. It’s gonna
be another edition of A Few Quick Things.
And I’m not even sure about tomorrow…
I’m serious, I need to be out there doing battle with the
bastards and the bitches.
-- As mentioned before, I have
an unnatural affinity for office supplies.
I’ve considered going to a hypnotist about it, but so far
I’m just making adjustments and living with the disorder.
It’s how I get through the day.
But now tragedy has struck. I
have two pens I use daily in the bunker, and they’re both out of
ink. Both of ‘em!
Just buy more, you say? I
tried, but I think it might’ve been discontinued.
I’ve looked at Staples and Target and Wal-Mart, and that
particular pen is nowhere to be found.
Continue
reading here
December 19, 2007
My
Big Fat Hillbilly Wedding
--
I overslept this morning. Yeah,
it was technically still morning when I finally hoisted my heft off
the raised dormancy platform, but not by much.
The alarm went off at 10:15
,
as usual, but I expertly swung my arm in a high arc and stopped that
goddamn chirping. Toney called
twice, but the ringer on the bedroom phone is turned off for some
reason, and I didn’t hear it.
If it hadn’t been for Andy (Snoop Manny Mann) flying off the handle
at some unforgivable infraction (I think somebody walked past our
house), I might still be up there clear-cutting timber.
So, thank you Andy, for being crazier than a freakin’ bag
o’ bugs. Sometimes it pays
dividends.
Continue reading here
December 18, 2007
Christmas
tree restraint & anchorage
--
I’m starting to get a bit concerned about Christmas visitors.
As mentioned earlier, I’m hoping (please God!) that my
parents will be here the same time Eninen and their brood of l’il
translucents pass through town. Even
if it’s only for a couple of hours, it would be the greatest meeting
since Elvis and Nixon, if not chicken and gravy.
But now people are starting to hedge their bets, and tweak their
schedules. And I can’t have
that. The whole holiday will be
ruined if I’m unable to witness my Dad and Nossy in the same room,
talking.
Is that too much to ask? I
mean, seriously. Perhaps I’ll
go to the mall today and sit on Santa’s lap, and explain it all to
him? I’m sure he’d be able
to pull some strings, being Santa and all…
Continue
reading here
December 17, 2007
Best
headline of the month
--
Yesterday we had what the locals refer to as “weather.”
It started out as snow, but later turned into some kind of
bastardized mix of snow, rain, and sleet.
And it was all moving horizontally, because of the screaming,
roof-ripping winds.
Yes, it was a lot of fun. Our
power was out for a couple of hours, and the house got cold right now. Even after the
lights came back on, the internet and cable were just things to
remember with fondness.
At one point I was actually reduced to sitting in a chair and reading
a book! I’m thinking about
filing a lawsuit.
Gigantic trees, with root balls (heh) still attached, were tipped over
all around the area, some landing on cars, others on houses.
And I don’t know the details of it, but the local Sheetz
curvature-of-the-Earth gas emporium was supposedly on
fire at one point.
Sweet sainted mother of Scut Farkus! It
was like the apocalypse up here.
Continue
reading here
December 14, 2007
Santa
Claus has dainty lady hands
--
Sorry ‘bout yesterday. I
tried to write, I really did, but there were so many distractions…
For one thing, the severance pay from my old job wasn’t deposited
into our account on Wednesday, like it should have been.
I didn’t think too much about it, occasionally it’s a
little late. But when it
didn’t show up on Thursday either, I got concerned.
So I started making phone calls, and nothing I heard made me feel any
better. Our credit union saw no
pending deposits, and couldn’t help me beyond that.
I called The Company, and they told me a paper check had been
printed and mailed, but they couldn’t immediately explain why.
And that’s the part that concerned me the most.
I remember somebody saying, back during a previous lifetime,
that the first severance
check is on paper, and the last
severance check is on paper. Everything
in between is direct-deposited. And
this week’s check is NOT the final payout.
I became convinced they were trying to screw me.
I got out the agreement I’d signed back in March, and it’s
loaded, simply loaded, with incomprehensible legalese.
I have no doubt there are trapdoors hidden in there, and
worried I might’ve fallen through one.
Continue
reading here
December 12, 2007
I
carry a few everywhere I go
--
When I lived in Greensboro
,
NC
,
I walked into a convenience store near my apartment one night, and the
cashier said, “Are you a Jew?”
What the? I didn’t know how
to respond to such a question, so I just told her no, I’m not
Jewish.
And she replied, “Oh, I just figured you were, because you have dark
curly hair and your nose is kinda big.”
Sweet Maria! I didn’t say
another word; I just paid for my stuff and left.
And the crazy thing… I
don’t think she was trying to be offensive, or had any idea she was.
I guess she was just stupid? I
don’t know.
-- My friends and I used to buy
beer when we were underage, from a little corner store owned by one of
our high school teachers and her husband.
Is that not excellent?
One night we went in there and put a 12-pack of Busch (or whatever) on
the counter, and the cashier eyed us suspiciously.
She was an older lady with a slight accent of some kind
(Irish?), a terrifying cigarette hack, and a voice like Babe Ruth’s
during the final days.
Continue
reading here
December 11, 2007
3
Random Images with Captions
--
During my ridiculous life I haven’t had too many serious
encounters with cops. When I
was a youngling I got into my share of trouble throwing snowballs at
cars and letting off firecrackers in department stores, and that sort
of thing. But as an adult,
I’ve been pretty lucky.
Well, perhaps I should rephrase that…
As an adult before
I left West Virginia
,
I was lucky. During those years
I was a DUI waiting to happen, I’m not proud to admit.
After that though, luck didn’t have much to do with it.
I just behaved myself for the most part, and the boys in blue
left me alone. It’s funny how
that works.
Today I’d like to briefly describe the five most memorable
Encounters with Cops I’ve experienced so far, and ask for your
stories at the end. Sound good?
OK, let’s get started…
Continue
reading here
December 10, 2007
The
internet is a two-sided sword
--
I didn’t sleep very well last night.
I got home from work around 3:30 am
,
completely exhausted. But after
I climbed atop the dormancy platform, I tossed and turned and thrashed
and sighed, for a long time. Then
I woke up before the alarm started hollering, for reasons unknown.
It was slicker than the proverbial cat shit on a marble floor as I was
driving, and I was afraid to use our sidewalk when I finally made it
home. It’s on a slight
downhill grade, you see, and my brain was throwing up red flags as I
contemplated my best course of action.
I had visions of me lying in the front yard until morning, with a
pelvis turned to dust. So I
carefully navigated the snow-covered lawn instead, and got to the
porch without incident.
Usually Andy is barking by this point, but I heard nothing from inside
the house. I unlocked the door,
and right there, on the floor, was a pool of vomit the size of a
serving platter. Simply
excellent.
Continue
reading here
December 7, 2007
Constantly
ready for a birthday party
--
Happy Pearl Harbor
Day!
My old boss in
Atlanta
was
big on reminding everyone of this special day, for reasons unknown.
Clearly, he had an axe to grind, or some sort of personal
investment in it far beyond the norm. And
so, every December 7 I think of him reminding us of the attack on
Pearl Harbor, before remembering the attack itself.
And in case you’re keeping score at home, this is the same person
who said, EVERY SINGLE TIME we had Chinese food for lunch, “It
doesn’t matter which one you order, it’ll all end up as #2
eventually.”
Just thought you should know.
-- You guys provided me with
some good advice yesterday, and I appreciate it.
I’ve given up my brief 24-hour fascination with Photoshop,
and have completely moved on. I’m
now thinking about banking my birthday money instead, and putting it
toward a new camera.
My current camera is a good one, but it’s fairly old and only
offers-up 3.2 megapixels, or somesuch.
So I’d like to upgrade before our trip in March.
Any suggestions on digital cameras in the, say, $500 price
range? I’d be much obliged.
Continue
reading here
December 6, 2007
Drive
your taste buds mental!!
--
No beer ‘til England
.
That’s my vow. I’ve
set myself some fairly steep goals over the next few months, and I’m
also a not-so-jolly fat man. So
a temporary moratorium on the golden elixir should help on all fronts.
My last hurrah, as they say, was on my birthday last week.
We went to Kildare’s, an “Irish” pub, and had dinner.
I opted for the shepherd’s pie, a Guinness, and a Harp.
And when I got home I enjoyed a cuppa two tree Yuenglings in
front of the Big Ass Television (BAT).
So there you go. No beer ‘til
England
.
Or until I call the whole thing off, whichever comes first.
And that goes for bourbon, as well. To
tell you the truth, this has been the worst Bourbon Season ever.
I think we had one small bottle of Maker’s Mark back around
Halloween, and our hearts just weren’t in it.
We never re-stocked, or even thought about it much.
Employment stress drove a stake right through the heart of Bourbon
Season ’07. Wotta rip-off.
Perhaps I’ll sue somebody for infringing on my religious
rights? Is Jackie Chiles
available?
Continue
reading here
December 5, 2007
Tell
us about your crazy neighbors
--
Yeah, it’s starting to get to me a little.
These new hours, I mean. I
woke up this morning in a foul mood, lashed out viciously at Andy
(Black Lips Houlihan), and called my coffee cup an asshole.
I’m not really tired, that’s not it, I just feel like
something’s askew, like I’m trudging around in a world that’s almost
familiar, but not really. I
haven’t seen Toney or the kids since Sunday, I’ve only talked to
them on the phone. And I
haven’t watched a TV news broadcast in days.
We could be at war with Canada for all I know…
The place I go to do my new job is like a fortress.
There are no windows (at least where I work), no internet
access (except for the company website), and not even real programs on
the TVs in the break room (they show company information and
“cool” trivia instead).
Continue
reading here
December 4, 2007
My
bladder is falling out of my vagina
--
A few nights ago we went to dinner at a new Mexican restaurant
nearby. Scranton isn’t
exactly a hotbed of south of the border fare, so we were excited when
we learned about this new place opening up.
It’s advertised as “authentic,” which sounds good on the one
hand… and not so good on the other. Because,
I suspect, I’ve grown accustomed to an Americanized bastard child
version of Mexican food, and probably wouldn’t care for the
“authentic” stuff.
But the food wasn’t the issue; the food was actually pretty good.
It was the service that was eating it from the ass-in.
We walked inside this place, and it was absolute pandemonium; it
seemed like every table was occupied, and every person in the house
was yelling. A strolling
mariachi band was moving around the room, strumming tiny stringed
instruments like it was an emergency, and just hollering.
Continue
reading here
December 3, 2007
In
celebration of Beulah/Cornflakes
--
One of my biggest concerns about starting a new job, was how it
might impact the website. I
know it probably sounds crazy, but I was always worried about the
hours I’d have to work, and where I could fit the daily Surf Report
updates in there somewhere.
So I’d be sitting in these interviews, with our financial future
hanging in the balance, thinking: 8
to 5?! Holy shit, I’ll never
be able to write again!
I can’t get it done in the evening, you see.
I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t work for me.
I’m only productive in the morning, after a shower and with
staggering amounts of Eight O’clock Bean Coffee coursing through my
veins.
I hated to say it out loud, but I just knew
a strict
8
to 5
schedule
would kill off the Smoking Fish. And
I simply can’t have that. At
my old job I was straddling east coast and west coast business hours,
with a late start time. It was
a perfect situation for me, and something not too easy to duplicate.
So when I interviewed for this new job, and they told me it was a
management position on the just-launched second
shift,
with full-blown crackpot hours, my eyes lit up.
It’s four ten-hour days per week, Sunday through Wednesday, 4
o’clock
in
the afternoon until 2:30 am
.
Continue
reading here
 |
The View From Down Here
