November 29, 2007
Instructions
for what? Any idea??
--
How y’all doing? Sorry
I’ve been absent for the past few days, but this new job is burning
my ass down. After Friday,
though, the poor man’s boot camp will be over, and my regular
schedule will begin. And I’m
confident all will return to “normal” soon.
I appreciate your patience.
-- I also appreciate the
excellent advice you folks provided for our upcoming trip to London
.
A few things were confirmed, I’m now thinking twice about a
couple of previous plans, and I learned new stuff.
So thanks!
A little background on our crackpot scheme:
Longtime readers of the site know we’ve always wanted to travel to
England
.
It’s something I’ve dreamed about since I was a kid, and
Toney feels the same way. But,
you know, it’s pretty damn expensive, and the whole thing seems
almost impossible to a man with my particular background.
As Grandma Walton once
said, “Cross
the ocean?! Why I wouldn't fly from here to Rockfish in one of those
things.”
But over the past few years we’ve started making movements toward
throwing caution to the wind, and just doing it.
Yes, we were
making plans to be spontaneous.
At
least twice we set dates, made a grand proclamation, then got cold
feet and didn’t follow through. But,
dammit, we’d turned a corner in our heads; we were freakin’
going… sometime.
Continue
reading here 
November 26, 2007
Always
stay safe at work
--
We refused to participate in Black Friday, but jumped
feet-first into Skidmark Saturday, or whatever they’re calling it
these days.
I can’t give you a reason, but I was craving human interaction, and
actually suggested we go to a few stores.
So it was my fault. We
ended up visiting Sam’s, Target, Borders, and the freakin’ mall.
This working stuff is messing with my head, maaaaaan.
What follows are a few, um, highlights from our inaugural Christmas
shopping adventure of 2007.
-- At Sam’s we looked at a
terrifying horse-toy that supposedly grows when you “feed” it.
The thing is already too large at the beginning, and gets even
bigger over time.
How is that possible?! How does
a stuffed animal increase in size?? I
don’t care for it, not one tiny bit.
I’d be afraid to go to sleep at night.
What with all the metamorphosing and
whatnot.
Holy shit! It’s the scariest
toy since My Big Retarded Baby.
Continue
reading here
November 23, 2007
Thanksgiving
at the Compound
--
I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but I’m having a
bit of trouble transitioning from my eight-month “long weekend,”
back into the working life.
For one thing, they’re asking me to arrive in the middle of the
night: 8 am on the first day,
and 7 am
the
next. Outrageous!
Plus, I don’t know anyone, have no idea what I’m doing, and
sometimes get lost.
The people have been exceedingly friendly so far, but they all know
one another and have history.
So, we’ll be sitting around bullshitting in the break room,
and a guy will turn to another person and say something like, “Who
do you think you are, John McAllister?!”
This will cause the entire group to bust out in wild shrieks of
laughter, and I’ll just be sitting there blinking my eyes real fast,
thinking, “Who the fuck’s John McAllister?”
Continue
reading here
November 20, 2007
A
pretty good price for squril
--
Yesterday afternoon I received word that I’d passed my
background check and pee test, and my long weekend is officially over.
By the time you read this, I’m probably already back to work;
I have to report at
8
am
,
which seems like the middle of the night to me.
But I’m not complaining, God
knows
I’m not complaining.
I haven’t been writing about this much, because I was afraid I’d
jinx myself, but I REALLY wanted this job.
When I went on the interview it just felt right.
Ya know? You can usually
get a general vibe from a place, and the people and their attitudes,
and this one seemed like The One.
Apparently they agreed, and I’m happy they did.
I hinted at this earlier, but I received TWO job offers on the same
day. How bizarre is that?
Nothing for eight months, then two in a single day.
But, it wasn’t a difficult choice: one
I wanted badly, the other I couldn’t have given a single dingle
about. The decision-making
process took exactly the same amount of time it takes a person to say,
“Well, I appreciate it and everything, but I’ve decided to accept
another offer.” Good times.
Continue
reading here
November 19, 2007
Even
bigger than Rippling Waters
--
The weather “experts” told us we might get a dusting of
snow on Sunday/Monday, but we probably wouldn’t.
Nothing to worry about, they assured us, it won’t amount to
anything.
So, needless to say, we have seven or eight inches of the stuff out
there today. Schools are on a
two-hour delay, and I’m going to have to break out the snow shovel
already.
But I’m not bitching. It’s
far too early for such a thing. There’s
never any bitching after the first few snow storms of the year; at
this point it’s still beautiful and exciting.
Bitching’s for January. And
February. And March.
Here’s a pic I snapped last
night, shortly after dark. Understand
why I’m not in a bad mood yet?
Continue reading here
November 16, 2007
Four
random photographs
--
It would be premature to be making any grand announcements at
this point, but yesterday was an interesting day for your corpulent
correspondent.
I was sitting here tapping out another ridiculous update, like most
days, when the phone starting ringing.
These were job search calls, coming from two unrelated sources.
Two! After all this
time, and considering the amount of frustration and grrrrrr
I’d endured, it was an unbelievable turn of events.
And my “normal” day promptly came off the tracks like the Richard
Kimball Death Row Express.
Yes, it was good stuff, but nothing’s definite yet.
Because of the nature of the job I might
be starting soon, there are an inordinate number of contingencies to
be dealt with. I’m not sure,
but I think they’re going to go back and talk to the doctor who
delivered me, track down my high school teachers, and attempt to
interview my grandparents through a séance.
Continue
reading here
November 14, 2007
Meet
the White Stripes of Russia
--
The younger Secret had a birfday last week, and one of the
gifts he received was a 4GB iPod nano.
Over the past few days he’s been borrowing CDs from the
massive Surf Report sound library, and loading them onto the
impossibly tiny device.
And what’s he been requesting? Well,
I’m glad you asked… He’s
nine years old and rocking out to Foo Fighters, AC/DC, Green Day,
Fountains of Wayne(!), Paul Westerberg(!!), and get this – Graham
Parker’s Squeezing Out Sparks.
Both Secrets really
responded to Graham Parker. It’s
a hard thing to understand… I
play all manner of music around the house, but their ears instantly
perked up the very first time they heard Squeezing Out Sparks.
Now they request I bring it along when we’re driving
somewhere, and have memorized all the words at this point.
It’s baffling, but cool.
Just a few minutes ago he came in here (no school today because of
“conferences,” or some such bullshit), and asked if he could
borrow Exile on Main Street.
I located it, handed it over, and was unable to speak because
of the large lump in my throat, and the tears welling in my eyes.
I’m sorry, I’m getting a little emotional…
Continue
reading here
November 13, 2007
A
Shocking Case of Poodle Abuse
--
I drove Sunshine back to Syracuse
on
Sunday evening, so she could nod-out aboard Amtrak, and sloooowly
make her way home.
She was booked on a train scheduled to leave for Chicago
at
9:41 pm
.
I don’t know why it had to be so late at night, or why she
was required to depart from a station located 125 miles from our
house. Toney and Nancy worked
out the logistics of all that; I was only transportation services.
I figured we could leave at 6 o’clock
,
eat a quick dinner somewhere, and still have an adequate buffer zone
in case of unforeseen
circumstances.
But Sunny was becoming hysterical as the day wore on, convinced
she would miss the train. She
wanted to leave our house at
3
o’clock
.
I held out until 4:30
,
and we hit the road.
Surprisingly enough, she didn’t seem to be flying high on her
“antibiotics.” She was
fairly normal as we drove, and we passed the time by mocking Nostrils
– the old standby. She likes
to use the word putrid
when describing him, and that always makes me laugh for some reason.
We arrived at 6:30
,
and I asked if she wanted to eat dinner at the mall food court, across
the road. “Oh, no!” she
shouted. “We need to check in and stay by the gate, so I don’t
miss the train.” We had three
hours!
Continue
reading here
November 9, 2007
Where's
Moe's & Joe's??
--
We received a scary phone call this morning, from a grocery
store. Wegman’s, to be
precise. According to the
pre-recorded message, we purchased ground beef from them “in
October,” from a lot number that’s been recalled following reports
of E. coli.
I told Toney about this, and she said we’ve already ingested all
hamburger bought at Wegman’s, and the last of it might have been
used to make tacos earlier in the week.
<gulp>
But you instantly get sick, right? That’s
what we were telling each other, hoping it was true.
However… according to this
page, there’s a one-week incubation period, then it’s 10
or more violent liqui-shits per day, “all blood and no stool.”
And I can’t have that.
-- Speaking of disturbing
messages, I received an email a couple of days ago from a supposed
“domain name register center” in China
.
At first glance I thought it was just another in a long line of
scamulation attempts. But on
further review, I think it might actually be legit.
Continue
reading here
November 7, 2007
Rock
stars front and sideways
--
Wotta mess. I wrote some
of this update yesterday, and never got around to posting it.
But some of it’s from today...
So, in an attempt to cut down on the confusion, I’ll put a
(Y) in front of the chunks where the date-written seems relevant.
OK? Let’s roll…
-- (Y) I'm driving to Syracuse
this morning for the Sunshine hand-off, so I have very little time for
"comedy." Also, I
have no idea what the rest of the week might bring.
Sunny's going to be here, but the Secrets won't; they'll be in school
every day, and both have a metric shitload of evening activities to
attend. Plus, Toney works and
takes computer classes at night. So
what the hell, man? It's
just going to be me and Toney's mother??
I can already feel a charley horse building in the wall of my poop
chute.
-- Indeed, Sunshine is alone at
our house this very moment, and I’m at the library hunched over a
laptop. Is that rude?
I have a nagging concern that it might be, but I don’t think
I care all that much. After
yesterday, I’m pretty much beyond caring.
Continue
reading here
November 5, 2007
A
study in aerodynamic drag
--
Tomorrow I have to drive to Syracuse
,
pick up a load of bitterness, and haul it back to our house.
Toney’s mother Sunshine has been in Canada
for
the past week or so, visiting Toney’s sister and her family, and now
it’s our turn. I’m meeting
them at the halfway point, for the hand-off.
Since Toney has to work tomorrow, and the Secrets are in school, I
“volunteered.” Oh, it
should be an interesting day...
According to intel, Sunny has been running on perma-bitch ever since
she arrived in Ottawa
.
Those Canadians are giving her attitude, she says, and hate her
because she’s American. Of
course, this happens everywhere she goes; the whole world is
constantly looking at her, judging her, and putting her down with
their eyes.
Never mind that she reportedly arrived with a whole suitcase full of
clothes emblazoned, simply covered,
in American flags. Or that she
walks around with a “what the fuck are you looking at?!” sneer on
her face at all times. That
doesn’t have anything to do with it.
And when she gets here it’ll be the Pennsylvanians
who are victimizing her. Or the
more generic “bitches back east.”
Because that’s the way Sunny rolls.
Continue
reading here
November 2, 2007
Expensive
food all the time
--
I was at the library yesterday working on a few things, and
listening to a 2002 Phil Hendrie show through headphones.
Seated in front of me was a woman in her mid-50s, sporting a
Hillary Clinton jumpsuit o’ power. When
I arrived she asked if she could use my pen and, of course, I obliged.
Then one of Phil’s characters, Margaret Gray, got into an argument
with a Southern woman (a person Margaret repeatedly referred to as
“Ellie Mae”), and I started laughing and couldn’t stop.
Before hanging up, the caller yelled, “Up yours, bitch!” And the
whole thing was hilarious.
I’d almost forgotten about Jumpsuit, when I realized she was
standing right in front of me with a scowl on her face.
She handed my pen back, and spat, “Are you enjoying
yourself?” Just really
pissed-off and venomous.
I considered this for a second, and answered, “Yeah, I guess I
am.” And she said, “Well,
I’m glad,” packed up all her shit, and stormed out.
Continue
reading here
November 1, 2007
A
nice cake is waiting for you
--
Usually Toney walks around with the Secrets while they do their
trick or treating, and I stay home and hand out candy.
But we switched roles this year, at Toney’s insistence.
I’m unclear as to why, but she wanted me to be the
street-chaperone this go ‘round.
Whatever. It doesn’t really
matter to me; it’s six of one and half a gallon of the other, or
whatever.
After dinner we cracked open the first Maker’s Mark bottle of the
Season, and each enjoyed a stiff drink while the kids put on their
costumes, etc. Yes, it’s a
Halloween tradition. And man,
it tasted just like autumn.
Since I knew I’d probably be wandering around the neighborhood in
the dark for the next hour, I decided to pack a survival kit.
I poured a Yuengling lager into a plastic cup, and put two
additional cans in the pockets of my jacket.
Then we hit the road.
Continue
reading here
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The View From Down Here
