October 29, 2007

Well, it's been awhile, huh kids?  I moved back to Sarasota , hoping for some ample peace in my world, and the exact opposite occurred.  Worked for nine months in a primo law firm, only to be downsized with the addition of a few new lawyers who took my place doing research and document preparation. THEN, spent two years and three months working in restaurants, since the lawyers here only want women who they can bang, and/or take out their anger upon without fear of retaliation (that's why dudes don't get hired as paralegals 96 percent of the time). Then, Satan hired me as his legal backup. Anyways, the anger has been building up. We won't call this a weekly thing, but occasionally, I will send Mr. Kay an update on the things that piss me, and you, off, as well as an angry white guy life update.  Some of you still email me at soboone2003@yahoo.com to ask when I might resurface, or why I haven't. It's time to resurface, so bear with me.

GREG BECK

I hated to lose this guy. He was an advocate and kept in touch, referring to me on the occasional update of his site.. Fat black dude who drank too much and had basically the same outlook I did. Just wanted to throw this in here as a tribute. RIP Greg Beck. The Death's Door title was original and I will miss you. Yet, Carrot Top and Kevin Federline get to keep living. What a fucking shame.

THE UPCOMING ELECTION

So, it's still over a year away, but after all the hype, doesn't it feel like it should be next week or something? So, how's those last two elections going for you? I took a lot of shit, several years back, when I said I had a fear of an even more slimier and lyinger B brother or relative that may be hiding under a rock, running one day. I don't want to mention names, since the G-forces will be up my ass if I do, but the newer brother, known as Jeb, which isn't even his initials or name, will run in 2012, and probably, through some divine intervention, will win. You know, the guy who repealed the motorcycle helmet laws here and head busting like melons increased by 700 percent. But they enjoyed their freedom before being run off the road by 95 year old Agnes Walker, who, by the way, needs a new road test to get her licensed renewed, but that doesn't happen here in the Sunshine State of Denial. Additionally, Jeb, Ok'd the law that says you can take an unfinished bottle of wine home with you in your car (thereby, invoking the open-container situation) any time you want. Guess what.... more people have been arrested with open containers while drunk driving. Also, Jeb surveyed the tsunami damage a few years back, personally, and at the taxpayers expense, and said "Gawrsh, Mickey, this is a lot worse than a hurricane!!" That's our future, folks.

Anyway, back to the current election. So, are you enjoying paying three dollars a gallon for gas rather that the $1.39 we were paying pre-2000? No one's getting rich off those profits, huh? Except for the oil companies and, dare I say it, Beavis and Butthead running the country? Oh, yeah, those two have oil money stashed away. Hang on for another year people, that's all we can do. But who's waiting in the wings? Who's the next scapegoat? Not a hopeful picture. We have a guy, who, sadly, will probably be assassinated by some weaselly redneck within a year's time, because of the color of his skin and 58 percent of us can't have that, and his last name sounds too much like a sworn enemy of our country. And his middle name is the same name of the guy we just had hanged. We have a woman, who was publicly embarrassed by her hubby, and will have that permanent stigma associated with her (hell, hath no fury like a woman scorned..... I just made that up folks, feel free to use it). We have an ex Vietnam vet just itching to go kick some world ass and we have an actor from the Law and Order series, who seems to me to be as stupid and lazy as my Uncle Norman was. Oh yeah, I forgot the 400 dollar haircut guy and the former NYC mayor who is good under pressure.....after we get attacked. There is also a dude named Ron Paul, who is this years' Ralph Nader, stealing real votes, with no chance of winning. Who's going to get the prize? No one. It really doesn't matter anymore. None of this really matters anymore. Sorry to be a downer, but it's not 1950 anymore, and the Greatest Country in the World has lost it's luster. Everyone thinks they are Leon Spinks, ready to unseat us, the Great Mohammed Ali. It's an upset in the making, and I wish I could fix it.

NEW TV SEASON

LIFE- A cop is framed for his wife's murder.  Does time, get awarded millions of dollars and comes back to the force. I like this show, except the lead character reminds me too much of Det. Goran on Law and Order CI. Too quirky. Don't tell me that Internal Affairs wouldn't dismiss either guy for being too freaky. However, get a nine in my book.

CAVEMEN-  Ten minute into the first episode I had to change the channel. Not even the same guys on the GEICO commercials. Nothing made sense. Quite possibly the worst ten minutes I have ever spent in front of TV.

Haven't seen any other new shows.  Give me a head's up.

PERSONAL

Many of you have asked about my kids. Pushing 50 and having two children under ten certainly gives things a different perspective, but they are awesome. My daughter (3) is tall and blond and is a young angry white girl. Expresses outrage at things like traffic and crowds (like me) and has the wisdom on a 6 year old. My son, (10) is a brown belt in Karate (can't do black belt until age 13) and an expert marksman with the bow and arrow. Everything is falling in line for that ninja career as a backup. However, he wants to be a gynecologist. Good boy!!

My wife has now reached the 30 year mark, but is as gorgeous as the day I married her at 19.  I am a lucky dude.

NEW JOB

If you didn't see it in haloscan, here is why the new boss sucks:

Example 1.
Him: Find me the Order that Judge Bennett signed at the hearing I attended last Monday.
I search for ten minutes.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Looking for the Order Judge Bennett signed last Monday.
Him: There is no Order signed by Judge Bennett. I asked you for a copy of the fax I send to Bill Tagland last Monday.
Me: I never sent him a fax.
Him: I KNOW YOU DID!!! I HANDED THE FUCKING THING TO YOU TO FAX. (Turns out someone else sent it)
I look for ten minutes.
Him: What are you looking for.
Me: The fax you said I sent.
Him: It's on my desk. It's been there all along. Stop wasting time.
Example 2. Me: Rich Heinan called, he said he sent you his file a year ago and asked what's going on with his case.
Him: I never got anything from him. Write him a letter and tell him I can't represent him and send him back everything.
Me: I thought he didn't send you anything.
Him: He didn't.
Me: You want me to send him an empty envelope?
Him: Just send him his fucking file, okay?
Me: You said there is nothing in his file.
Him: Exactly, what part do you not understand?
Example 3- Me: (first thing in the morning) Here's a couple of documents that came in yesterday while you were in Gainesville .
Him: Why haven't I seen these?
Me: Because you were in Gainesville .
Him: I need to see things like this right away as soon as they come in.
Me: That's why I'm showing you now.
Him: When did they come in?
Me: Yesterday afternoon.
Him: Why haven't I seen them?
Me: Because you were in Gainesville .
Him: I should have seen these right away. Don't ask me for a raise any time soon.
Example 4- I began to carry a small recorder to tape things he says so I can play them back to make sure I got the directions right.
Him: What are you working on?
Me: The settlement agreement in Daniels.
Him: Why?
Me: Because you told me to.
Him: The fuck I did. I never told you that.
Me: I have it on tape. I played it back to make sure.
Him: Let me hear the tape.
I play the tape. It correctly states the project I am working on with his voice.
Him: That's not me. I never said that.
One more for the road Example 5
Him: Use my email to find a probate attorney in Honolulu .
I find 6 and email them all. Three emails come back as non-deliverable. 20 minutes later, he checks his email.
Him: Who the fuck is using my email?
Me: I did, to email the Honolulu attorneys for you.
Him: Why are they undeliverable.
Me: I guess they have changed email addresses and didn't let the bar association know.
Him: Send them an email and ask for their new email address.
So a typical day at work consists of that shit, plus him shitting in my Cheerios, kicking my dog and raping me with the fire extinguisher. I can only wish a sudden death upon this asshole. The voodoo doll isn't working.

AND NEW JOB STUFF

Yesterday he made everyone drop what they were doing and look for a piece of cardboard that was in a file I was working on last Thursday. Then, he sat at my desk and pulled it out of the bottom of one of the 8 piles of paperwork on my desk, like he knew exactly where it was at. HE PLANTED IT THERE OVER THE WEEKEND TO MAKE FOR A GOOD EXCUSE TO FIRE ME SOON!. There is no way I would pull a piece of cardboard with witness phone numbers, written by the client, out of the file, much less stick it under a random pile of unrelated papers. He wants me to quit, but would hate to pay the unemployment for getting nothing out of me.  Just need to hang on.

SPORTSTALK

I like the Colts, have for a few years. I like the Magic. I like the Reds, after the Mariners dumped everyone and I like the Tampa Bay Lightning. I am the only hockey fan in this city. Anyway, there is still one sport I cannot get behind and I mentioned it several years back, much to the outrage of readers and that was soccer. It still isn't catching on and is still not the next big sport as predicted in the 70's days of the New York Cosmos. As my son described it, "If you're not the goalie, it's not cool!" That rang true in high school gym class. Only the gym punks got to be the goalie and there was 40 of us peons running around the field kicking the ball. Soccer is a sport that females can play with the males, and just as well. Therefore, it will not break into the upper echelon of baseball, basketball, King football and even hockey. Just can't watch an nailbiting 1-0 game (or match).

OPRAH

I have frequently mentioned my disdain for Oprah. Ever since she trashed out that "Million Little Pieces" author she at first recommended, and then caught him embellishing, I cannot fathom that she has the money she does and, yes, I hate her. Question...Is she really a big stinking lesbian? Isn't her friend Gail (I think) a lesbian? Will this all come out once she dominates the world? What do you think?

GAS

Back on gas prices. I have finally figured out the formula. If there's a hurricane in the Gulf of Mejico . Price of a barrel goes up. If there is no hurricanes. Price of a barrel goes up. If there is a major bloodbath in the middle east area. Price of a barrel goes up. If the weekly death toll in the middle east drops. Price of a barrel goes up. People just died (7) on the rigs. I'm sure its going up again. Now that I know, i understand.

HURRICANES

I have touched on this before as well, and nothing happens to contradict my beliefs. Dr WILLIAM GRAY, the all important hurricane expert in Colorado again predicted about 834 hurricanes this year. However, in July, he lowered the forecast to 177. Then in August, he revamped his uncanny predictions to 83. Then, in September, he "readjusted" it to something like 11. Then, in early October, he lowered it to the current actual total. Now, that it is almost over (season), again, everyone is saying "That Dr. Gray is a fucking genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he will be paid another million dollars next year to do the same.

FINAL NOTES

Since we last spoke, I have found out who my real father is, taken a job with Satan, beat the shit out a Mexican that was holding up a convenient store in front of me (I was in a hurry), switched FROM Geico and saved even more money, bought the ugliest SUV ever made, the Pontiac Aztek, and gained 45 pounds. Nothing gets better anymore and I am really pissed off at life again. If you have any suggestions as to how to get a better outlook, y'know, so I can live longer, please email me at soboone2003@yahoo.com. I need the interaction. See ya soon.