is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough,
has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became
available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works
by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are
waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to get started
on the Alli "program."
As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side
effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.
A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they
go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll
find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled
underwear, searching for a place
to ditch it.
As best as I can tell, anyway...
Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically
truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go
through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate
it all into layman's terms.
I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special
knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading
between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli
website, with my translations in between.
Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally.
The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the
toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.
Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the
skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties
understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to
begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s
flowing from your ass like molten lava.
The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s
clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your
shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the
fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as
Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that?
It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could
never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your
You may get:
with oily spotting
You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…
and having violent chipped beef explosions...
more frequent stools that may be hard to control
all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a
Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit
fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.
McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King
Whopper has 40. Eat
either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be
transformed into a diarrhea cannon.
Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of
being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:
Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli.
Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can
stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing
work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social
event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over
Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could
be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of
the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might
not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway.
Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.
While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you
think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it
like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night
see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is
actually a positive.
You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend
them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams
on average per meal over the whole day
can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically
constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's.
It’s simply not worth it.
You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a
sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark
pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling
suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily,
however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.
If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth.
You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you
simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the
seat of my pants.”
You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli.
The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens
Showboating is not recommended.
You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment
effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that
marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce
In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to
camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a
schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and
have a treatment effect halfway up your back.
I hope this information has proven to be valuable.
Jeff Kay’s first novel, Crossroads Road, is
available now at Amazon,
Store, and NOOKBooks.