--We refused to participate in Black Friday, but jumped
feet-first into Skidmark Saturday, or whatever they’re calling it
these days.
I can’t give you a reason, but I was craving human interaction, and
actually suggested we go to a few stores.So it was my fault.We
ended up visiting Sam’s, Target, Borders, and the freakin’ mall.This working stuff is messing with my head, maaaaaan.
What follows are a few, um, highlights from our inaugural Christmas
shopping adventure of 2007.
--At Sam’s we looked at a
terrifying horse-toy that supposedly grows when you “feed” it.The thing is already too large at the beginning, and gets even
bigger over time.
How is that possible?!How does
a stuffed animal increase in size??I
don’t care for it, not one tiny bit.I’d be afraid to go to sleep at night.What with all the metamorphosing
and
whatnot.
Holy shit!It’s the scariest
toy since My Big Retarded Baby.
--Also at Sam’s I accepted a
sample of beef jerky from a young lady who very likely was required to
enter the store through the loading dock doors, because of
size-limitations.
I thought I liked beef jerky, based on past experience, but it had
been decades and my tastes have apparently changed.I was eating a piece of that stuff while having a fiery hot
stand-up in the bathroom, gagged violently, and hocked a
partially-chewed hunk of black cow into the urinal.
And since it was so aesthetically pleasing, I just left it there for
the next person to contemplate.
--Similarly, the youngest
Secret took a bite off a shrimp the size of a big toe, and didn’t
care for the spices it was cooked in.Toney
held a panicked napkin up to his mouth, after she saw the tell-tale
signs, and much more came out than went in.Good times.
--Everywhere we went, there
was Christmas music blaring from loudspeakers, and people all up in
our space, as well as in the spaces we wanted to be.Whenever we’d hear Do
you hear what I hear? the
Secrets and I would yell, “NO!”And
all our fellow-shoppers would look at us like we were mental patients.It helped to pass the time.
--I wanted to buy a lanyard.
You know, one of things you hang around your neck like you’re sporting a
backstage pass?At my new job I
have to swipe a card before passing through most doors, like we’re
at CTU.And I think it would be
much handier if I had my card attached to a lanyard, rather than digging it
out of my pocket over and over again.
And I see those deals everywhere I go.Until, of course, I need one.I
looked at a half-dozen stores, and the only ones I found had
college football logos on them, or Christian catchphrases.And I can’t have that.
Why can’t a man purchase a tasteful lanyard?Is that too much to ask?I’m
near tears here.
--At the mall FYE was having
their annual Buy One At Twice The Price, Get One Free sale, so that
was exciting.
And we hung out in a little seating area near a store that sells
musical instruments, eating eleven dollars worth of Blizzards from
Dairy Queen.I began noticing
that every person who came out of that store looked like the stoners
from my high school, circa 1979.
Build a store that sells drums and bass guitars, and guys with black
trench coats and fingerless gloves will come.
--The only thing I remember
from Target is a gigantic fart cloud we walked through, in the
Christmas light aisle.As my
friend Scott used to say, “Somebody needs to see a physician!”
--At Borders I saw many items
I want, including this, and
this,
and this,
and this.Cool stuff, indeed.What’s
at the top of your holiday want-list this year?
The only thing we bought at Borders was a city map of London,
which is now tacked up near Toney’s computer. We plan to strategize our upcoming visit there, using pins
and/or Post-it notes, like we’re Winston Churchill or something.Because with these kinds of things, planning is half the fun...
What do you think are the must-sees for a family
traveling to Londonfor the first time?With an
emphasis onfamily.A
suggestion to take a side-trip to Amsterdam,
to visit a state-licensed all-midget whorehouse, won’t do me much
good, thank you very much.
Use the comments link, if you have anything on this one.And I appreciate your input.
--The Surf Report has been
receiving massive traffic over the past week or so.In fact, I was forced to purchase extra bandwidth for November.
More visitors is what it’s all about, of course, but this time
they’re coming from Italyand looking at the
Ads vs. Reality page in gigantic numbers.Apparently most can’t read English, so they rarely click to
other parts of the site, and NEVER react to an ad.
Oh, I’m not complaining about elevated traffic, that’s always a
good thing, but this Italian version isn’t exactly ideal.Ya know?I feel like
TheWVSR is turning into one of those filthy magazines we used to hide in a
hollowed-out tree stump near the BaptistChurchwhen I was a kid.I’m
envisioning folks giggling nervously over the pictures, feeling a
shameful stirring in their loins, and skipping the articles and
advertisements completely.
The West Virginia Surf Report has become the Cheri
of Italy!And I don’t know how I feel about that…
--Deadwood:
canceled.Sopranos:
ended.Curb
Your Enthusiasm:
ended.Extras:ended.Bill Maher: hate
him with a white-hot fire that starts in the gut, then spreads
throughout the central nervous system.Entourage:don’t know anything about it, and couldn’t give a shit.Movies that seem to always be available for viewing:Pluto Nash,
Snakes on a Plane,
Wolfen.
So…HBO:dumped.Fuck ‘em.
--I’m going to continue
taking orders for Smoking Fish caps over the next few days, and go
from there.I’ll probably get
a few more than the pre-order number, but to be absolutely sure you
get one, it would be wise to act now.And
if you’ve already ordered… thanks!
Also, another semi-related reminder… Please don’t forget to use
our Amazon links when doing your holiday shopping.It helps support the site, and costs you nothing extra.Everybody wins!
--This week is going to be a
killer, “expecially” for a man who’s spent the past eight months
sitting around in sleeping pants, drinking coffee, and enjoying
thebouquet.I’ll be working five solid day shifts, starting at an ungodly
hour of the morning, each lasting a shocking length of time.
So, I don’t know how often the site will be updated.I’ll try to keep up with it, but we’re entering uncharted
territory here.The good news?Starting next week, I’ll be moving to a more Jeff
Kay-friendly schedule, and it should be business as usual.
I appreciate your patience during these trying times…
, and
