Manufactured fear,
Wendy's, my favorite shirt, the Smoking Fish, and more
--How come nobody worries about the sun going out?I don’t believe that idea gets its due, I really don’t.It seems like everybody in the world is worrying about something.
Except, of course, the people who have a reason to worry… those
folks seem to be just as happy as shit.
No, it’s the affluent and secure who invent things to wring their
hands about.You know, like
Americans and Canadians and Europeans.When times are good we get extra-creative and come up with
stuff like Restless Leg Syndrome, and begin slathering our children in
a thick coat of mayonnaise before allowing them to go outside for a
vigorous fifteen minute session of adult-supervised non-competitive
roll dodgeball.
And we’re always hearing (usually at Fark) about strange little
beady-eyed freaks with hilarious irrational fears, men who are
terrified to leave their houses because they’re convinced they’ll
be attacked by a gang of lesbian dwarves, and that sort of thing.
But nobody ever talks about the sun going out, I never even hear it
mentioned.And I believe it’s
high time we change all that.
Because it could happen, you know.
--I’m experiencing a strong
hankering for a Wendy’s taco salad, and don’t have any intentions
of denying said hanker.As soon
as I upload this ridiculousness I’m going to be buried to the
shoulders in their so-called Southwest Garden Sensation.
If you’re planning to be there at the same time, I’d suggest
sitting outside a five foot blast radius, or splatter zone, to help
protect your clothing and eyeglasses from airborne saliva and sour cream. Just a bit
of friendly advice.
And since we’re on the subject…I
received the following email today from Lucas, under the heading
“Wendy’s.”
dude....
they've started selling breakfast again!
This is the kind of message I receive here at Surf Report world
headquarters.And I appreciate
it!I wasn’t aware of this
breaking news, and need your feedback on it, straigh’
away.
Have any of you tried the new Wendy’s breakfast?I don’t think it’s reached Scranton yet.What are they offering
this time ‘round?Years ago
they attempted to serve up western omelets (or Denver omelets, depending on where you live…), but couldn’t crank them
out fast enough. And the wheels flew off the whole experiment.
What are they doing this time?Sandwiches,
and that sort of thing?Or is
it something more exotic?Please
help me understand.
--Right now I’m wearing the
best t-shirt I think I’ve ever owned in my life.It’s big and gray, and says West Virginia across the chest in dark blue.
I bought it at Dick’s Sporting Goods while visiting my parents last
Thanksgiving (the governor of WV was also there, Christmas shopping
with his kids), and the thing is thick and soft and never changes its
shape, even after repeated washings.
I’m not sure how this is even possible, but I actually get in a
better mood when this particular shirt is clean and folded and
available for wearing at the beginning of a day.If I had seven of them I’d be skipping around town and
smiling like a retard, all the time.So
it’s probably a good thing I only have one...
I never wear the Smoking Fish shirts, because I don’t need ex
co-workers asking questions, or the neighbors, or other kids’
parents, etc. etc.So I don’t
honestly know how our shirts stack up.All I know is, I’m wearing the best damn t-shirt I’ve ever
owned.Right this minute.
Do you have a favorite piece of clothing?Or am I the weird one here?Anything’s
possible, I suppose.
And speaking of Surf Report shirts…I
only have 2 XXLs and 2 Smalls left for purchase.Once they’re gone, they’re really gone.If you want one, better hurry.
--I don’t know if anyone
noticed this, but a few days ago I removed the Amazon context ads from
these updates, because of high-bitching.Context ads were created automatically, and appeared as links
within the text itself.And
they obviously irritated people, so I did away with ‘em.
Did they work, you ask?Yes,
they did.Amazon earnings shot
up almost from the moment I began testing those ads.But they also seemed to rub people the wrong way, far beyond
just the standard ad-complaints.
So they’re history.Screw it.TheWVSR is supposed to be a fun place.We don’t need yet another thing to make us go grrrrr.
Ya know?
--And finally, we have one of
the coolest Smoking Fish sightings ever.It comes from Surf Reporter Grady, and was captured just a few
days ago.Check it
out.Thanks Grady!That is,
as the kids used to say, awesome.
You guys have yourselves a fine, fine Thursday, and I’ll see you on
Friday.
--