--I don’t know what’s going on here, but I woke up this
morning feeling extra-puffy, mildly disoriented and chilled, and all
rashed-up.
Well, I’m not sure it actually qualifies as a rash...It’s not really a collection of itchy bumps, it’s more like
blisters that cover a lot of ground.I’m not kidding, I’ve got a freakin’ topographic map of
the world on my body right now.
Anyone want to rub their fingers across the Great Smoky Mountains?Yeah, I don’t blame
you...
I showed it to Toney earlier, and she yelled, “Gross!I’m washing our sheets right now – IN HOT!”Yes, there’s nothing like the deep concern of a loving wife.
And anyway, I don’t think it’s scabies or anything (I mean,
seriously).I suspect
it’s an allergic reaction of some sort.Maybe I was bit by a spider, or I’ve got a tick burrowing its
way through my ass meat, or something?
I spent an hour standing in the middle of a field yesterday, amongst
all manner of insect life, watching the oldest Secret’s soccer
practice.Perhaps one of
those little bastards deposited their poison into me? (I'm talking
about the insects, not the players...)Maybe I’m coming down with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever?!
I don’t know, but it doesn’t make for a good start to the day.My hands are swollen and testing the limitations of hand-skin;
the shit’s all stretched and shiny.I feel like I’ve got a bunch of bananas growing out the ends
of my arms.
And have you ever tried typing with big ol’ Chiquita fingers?
--Yesterday afternoon I
went for a haircut, and as soon as I walked through the door the girl
hollered, “I’m going to need 15 minutes!”She was hunched over a Styrofoam container, eating a lunch that
featured gravy, and was the only person there.
Intellectually I understand this, but it pisses me off on a more
organic level.It’s the
second time it’s happened to me recently, and in both instances I
walked back to my vehicle with cartoon smoke shooting out of my ears.Grrr…
I remember working in retail, and how we all viewed the customers as
little more than people who get in the way, and cause us problems.I get that, and try to make allowances for it.But sometimes it’s not easy.
Maybe if they’d be a little nicer about it?Perhaps if they explained the situation, and maybe even
apologized for the inconvenience it might be causing me?Possibly if they smiled and greeted me, before screaming –
essentially – NOT NOW!!Then,
maybe it wouldn’t piss me off so much?
Yeah, I gave her a lot more than fifteen minutes; I didn’t go back.And that’ll show her.
--The only problem?I still need a haircut, and there are only two real options.That place, which I prefer, or a more fancy-ass joint that
insists on washing your hair, and sending you away smelling like a
coconut.
I don’t like that.I
don’t like strangers washing my hair for no good reason, and I
don’t like walking around smelling like a salad bar for the rest of
the day.Plus, they charge
an outrageous amount.In
my opinion, anyway.
Sure, there are a couple of old fashioned barber shops in town.But those places are never as good as they seem on paper.
One time I had an old shaking man, who smelled like gasoline,
completely shave my head with a 1945 vibrating box that was throwing
off sparks.I walked away
from that place thankful the whole building didn’t go up in flames,
and looking like a scrotum with a face.
And another guy talked about “the illegal Mexicans” the whole
time, as if it’s a big problem up here in northeastern Pennsylvania.He seemed to be all
agitated and angry before I even sat down, and I was afraid he might
fly off the handle and slit my throat.I am a little dark-complected,after all.
So, I’ll probably just have to swallow my pride and return to the
gravy-eater this afternoon.It’s
either that or another over-priced divorcee shampoo…
Where do you get your haircuts?How
often do you go?Do you
consider twenty bucks to be simply
ridiculous, like I do?What
are your haircut theories?Or
am I the only one who agonizes about such crapola?
--After the haircut
infuriation yesterday afternoon, I went to the library to work on
another WVSR Special Report.And
there was an old man sitting near me, wearing hilarious 1975
headphones and belching non-stop.
Eventually I learned he was watching a movie on his laptop (hence the
occasional outbursts of maniacal laughter), but I don’t know why he
was burping so much.It
wasn’t like he was sitting over there drinking 7-Up, or anything.What would cause a person to belch and burp almost on a
continuous basis?
In any case, it’s fucking disgusting.Maybe it was just my imagination, but I kept thinking I was
catching a whiff...And I
thought I detected a hint of beef stew.
--Check it
out.Apparently they’re having a little Gargoyle Trouble down in
Texas, just like they had in North Carolina
a few years back.Hilarious.
--And if you’re not
subscribed to our mailing list (and why wouldn’t you be?!), this
probably won’t mean much to you.But
here’s Brenda Love’s ad for Nancy-Pizza.Heh.Wonder if
it’s still buried in her outsize hemp sack?
I have some other stuff, but I’d better stop right here.It looks like the brightness of Alaska on my inner thigh is starting to dim a bit, but my fingers are still
like kielbasa. I don't want to push my luck.
I’m doing an interview with the Boston Globe(!) this afternoon, and
will also make an attempt at finishing the Special Report for tomorrow
morning.Oh, I’ve
uncovered some amazing shit…
--