--Apparently field mice are entering and exiting our house at
will.At least that's what
Billy Bob Thornton tells us.For
$148 he'll get rid of the little bastards, and for $36 a month he'll
make sure they stay away.
We're
definitely taking him up on the "get rid of them" deal, but
are undecided about the monthly maintenance plan.It would also cover ants, wasps, spiders, and all other
unwanted pests, with the exception of Pennsylvanians for Hillary
volunteers.So it's tempting.
In any case, a team of professionals is coming out on Friday and doing
what they do.Billy Bob said
something to Toney about traps and glue strips, and I don't know what
all.It's supposed to be
invisible to us, and safe for pets and kids.Sounds good in the abstract, but we'll see what reality
brings...
The guy reportedly walked from room to room, looking in closets and
under stuff, and could tell Toney if mice had been hanging out in
there(!?).The good news?The kitchen, living room, dining room, and bedrooms have yet to
be "visited."The bad
news?They've been frolicking
and having a mousely hoedown in the family room – and
the Surf Report bunker.
Freakin' disgusting.By
"get rid of them" I hope the guy was speaking in a Tony
Soprano sense of the phrase, because I want revenge.By proxy.Invisible to
us, and safe for pets and kids...
Stay tuned.
--On a semi-related note, have
you ever heard someone utter the phrase, "I love Paris
Hilton?"As of this week,
I have.The shocking event
occurred in the break room at work…A
woman was flipping through a copy of People
magazine, or Us,
or something along those lines.Then
she unleashed, in all seriousness, the impossible phrase.
You
could've heard a bladder drop.
When gently challenged, she added that she's "a big fan,"
and gets irritated "when everyone bags on Paris."
A
big fan? Of what??What does
Paris Hilton even do?Isn't she
a professional celebrity?I
only see her walking around on TV with her face all contorted, and her
shoulders ratcheted back like a scoliosis patient.Is my colleague
a fan of that?I don't
understand.
But one thing's for certain…I'll
always remember where I was when I heard those words.3/3: Never Forget!
--I came up with an idea for a new drinking game while watching
MSNBC yesterday.Whenever you
see John McCain giving a speech (and they won't be rare over the next
few months), everyone in the room should take a drink when the Senator
from Arizonastarts a sentence with "My
friends…"
However, I will not
be held responsible for unwanted pregnancy, alcohol poisoning, DUI, or
the shitting of beds, as a result.The
John McCain drinking game is for entertainment purposes only, and the
West Virginia Surf Report bears no responsibility for someone being foolhardy
enough to actually attempt to play through an entire speech.
--I think I’m getting sick.I felt normal when I climbed down from the dormancy platform
this morning, but can sense illness taking hold as each minute passes.
It’s no wonder, of course.Both
kids have had “the flu” (I’m still not convinced), and Toney’s
been coughing and hacking like something out of a TB sanitarium.Plus, half of my co-workers are recovering from something or
other, and are snotting-it-up and unleashing terrifying lung-rumbling
seal-coughs….It’s a
miracle I made it this long.
But if it’s gotta happen, I’d rather it happen now and not in two
weeks, when we’re getting ready to leave on our trip.There can be no sickness then, no rain, and no aggravation
whatsoever.I’ve decided.
On the rain (and temperature) front, I’ve been obsessing about this
page for several days now. Right now it looks pretty good.We’ll be arriving on 3/19, and so far everything seems
agreeable.Heck, 54 degrees
will feel like summer to us.
I’ll check back there in twenty minutes, to see if anything changed…
--I was watching deleted
scenes on one of the Seinfeld
DVDs a few nights ago.There's one where Jerry
runs into Kenny Bania at a video store, and he starts telling Jerry about his career successes.He said he was going to get his own website, then blurted:
"The ‘Net,
Jerry. The ‘Net!"
Now I can’t stop saying it; it’s taking over my life.My wife and kids are starting to turn against another family
member as a result…Will
somebody please hold me?
--I went to Wendy’s a little
while ago (taco salad, root beer) and swung by Target while I was out,
to buy the new Black Crowes CD.They
have it for $9.98 this week, but it’s not really impressing me so
far…
Anyway, I saw a guy there carrying one of those red shopping baskets,
and the thing was filled to overflowing with packages of Fruit of the
Loom briefs.And he kept moving
the basket from hand to hand, trying to conceal it behind his body as
he walked toward the checkout.
What would lead to such a scenario?A
normal looking man in his thirties, buying anenormous amount of
underwear during the middle of
a workday?It’s a difficult
thing to reconcile.And his
(understandable) embarrassment made me laugh.
Then I started thinking about people getting caught buying
embarrassing items, by people they know.An old co-worker in Atlantatold me he was somewhere buying
a box of condoms “the size of a carton of cigarettes” one night,
when the branch manager of our company walked up, with his wife.
He told that story many times over the years, and it never got old…
And one time, in California, I was standing in line at a
Von’s grocery store, with a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in my hand
(cans!), when my boss walked by.He
did an actual cartoon double-take when he saw my purchase, and the
floor of my ass almost fell out.
While I was driving home I kept yelling at myself:“Why couldn’t you have at least chosen Budweiser?Pabst?!GOOD GOD!”
Has anything similar ever happened to you?If so, use the comments link below to tell us about it.
And I haven’t been updating on Fridays lately, but I think I’m
gonna write a short one tomorrow.I
still have several items in the Big Notebook of Ridiculous, but
don’t have the energy to get to them today.
