--When I got to work Wednesday night I stopped to hang up my
coat, as usual.We’re not
allowed to take jackets and coats onto “the floor,” because of
security concerns and the possibility of someone getting sucked
headlong into a machine, or whatever.So,
we have to leave our stuff in a common area, which I don’t much care
for…
Anyway, I put the thing on a hanger, and when I bent over to pick up
my lunch the entire ass exploded out of my pants.
This happens far too often, and I don’t understand it.Yeah, I know I’m a tad (as the JCPenney catalogs used to call
it) husky, but I don’t see other people of size shredding denim all
willy-nilly, the way I do.
I think I’ve got some kind of rare pants-destroying ass disorder, I
really do.Just a few days ago
I was wearing a gigantic pair of pajama bottoms, or sleep pants, or
whatever you wanna call ‘em.I
bent over to check something on the DVD player, and the violent sound
of ripping fabric could be heard.Followed
by a cool breeze across a part of my body not usually exposed to the
elements (which reacted accordingly).
Those “sleep pants” are big and baggy, and look like something MC
Hammer would’ve worn.It’s
not like I’m strutting around in skin-tight Lizard King-wear.I mean, what the hell?Why
so much exploding-ass?!
I’m thinking about contacting a research firm, or possibly a
university, and request they analyze the shape
of my rear end.It seems
normal.But I think there’s
something about it, imperceptible to the naked eye, consumer-grade
denim simply cannot contain.And
I’d like to get to the bottom of it, so to speak.Because the cost of replacement pants are going to bankrupt us!
Wednesday night?Well, my
untucked shirt covered the breach (I’m almost certain), so I just
worked with a giant butt-rip.I
mean, I was thirty miles away from home; what was I going to do?As far as I know, nobody noticed.But, of course, the possibility exists that I earned a few new
nicknames during my time there…
Something needs to be done.
--A couple of days ago I
received an email from a firm requesting I join their affiliate
program, and begin running ads for their products at TheWVSR.They apparently sell herbal supplements, and mixed into the
pitch I noticed this phrase:
Gripper vagina
formula of secret herbs are for the females to keep vagina contracted
and enjoy sex.
Didn’t Gripper Vagina have a few albums on Elektra, back in the late
‘80s?Or am I getting
confused?
In any case, I’m going to pass on their generous offer.I might be naïve, but I just don’t sense a great demand for
the creation of snapping, walnut-cracking sex organs within the Surf
Report readership.
Please let me know if I’m mistaken.
--One of Nancy’s kooky-ass friends has been
staying with Eninen for the past couple of weeks (needless to say,
it’s a long story), and the woman is trying to get Nancy hooked on Desperate
Housewives.
Yeah, I don’t understand it either, but it’s apparently true.
This woman brought along season 1, and a portable DVD player, and
keeps pressuring Nancyto watch it with her.Reluctantly she agreed, but it hasn’t worked out like Kooky
had hoped.
Nancytold Toney she watched the first
two episodes, and now can’t sleep at night.It’s made her “anxious and upset,” she said.She reportedly lies awake worrying about the characters,
analyzing their decisions, etc. etc.
Everything’s a drama with those people, everything sends them
spiraling.They’re constantly
seeing analysts, and suffering jet lag, and nearly breaking down in
tears because of “artificially cooled air” in restaurants…Now it’s trash TV causing an emotional crisis?
Man, it’s enough to make a person want to slam their face through
plate glass.
--And since we’re on the
subject…Toney also learned
that Nostrildamus has suddenly taken to buying used pants in thrift
stores.He’s supposedly going
out and buying “stacks” of other peoples’ trousers, to the point
where Nancyis becoming concerned.
I simply don’t know…
--I ordered something for
Toney at Amazon yesterday, and it wasn’t enough to qualify for free
shipping.So, begrudgingly, I
paid the $5.00 fee.
And guess what?My new camera,
which DOES qualify for free shipping, hasn’t moved yet.I ordered it days ago, and the estimated departure date is
listed as 3/3.It’s always
been “in stock,” it just hasn’t gone anywhere.And Toney’s package shipped same-day!
I love the free shipping option, I really do, but they certainly
penalize you for it.From a
business standpoint I understand this, but from a Jeff Kay standpoint
it makes me go grrrrr.
--This morning Toney informed
me that exactly three weeks from today we’ll be here.Freaky, man.And I’ve
been looking at this site, trying to pick a cuppa two tree walking
tours.Like this
one, perhaps.Or this
one.
I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m super-excited.And that’s not a joke.
While we’re there I might try to find a USA
for Dummies book.You know, a guide for Brits preparing to travel to America?I’d like to see what kind of advice is given, little tips for
navigating American culture, etc.I
think that would be interesting.
I’m also going to pick up two copies of this book (one for me, one
for Steve), the autobiography of Mark Everett, aka E, leader of the
Eels.It’s not going to be
released in the U.S.until fall, and I don’t want
to wait that long, thank you very much.
And, of course, I’ll have a sizable CD want-list with me at all
times.I’m picturing myself
standing in a Londonrecord store with tears
streaming down my face…But
I’ll try to hold it together.
--The youngest Secret is still
home with “flu.”I’m not
convinced it’s what he actually has, but whatever.The doc said he can’t go back to school until Monday, so
we’re hanging out together.
By now he’s almost completely back to normal, and we’re getting
ready to go out to lunch.Toney
left some stuff for us to eat, but it would require pushing buttons on
the microwave, and removing foil, and all manner of inconvenience.So screw it, we’re going to a diner.
Later today I’m going to post another review at the Suggestaholic!
page, so if you’re interested in that, be sure to check it out.And if you’re not interested, well… it’s perfectly
understandable.
And just so you know, I’ve got exactly twenty Smoking Fish caps
still available here.They’re
in a box beside the Big Ass Television, just waiting (hoping!) for
someone to adopt them.Oh,
it’s so sad, the looks on their sweet little faces... Won’t you
help a cap in need?Won’t
you?
