--Man, I need the spa treatment.My fingernails are all split and chipped, and crying out for
a good clippin’.I could
use my toenails to defend myself, in the event I’m ever attacked
while my shoes are off; the things are like bayonets
at this point.And I don’t
even know what’s going on with my hair…
I look like I’m wearing a bad toupee.Toney tells me I’m out of my mind, but it’s true.When I look in the mirror I see a tired old man sporting a
hair hat purchased from an ad on the back of Parade magazine.All that’s missing is the elastic chin strap.
Have you ever returned to a hair cutting place to take them up on
their 100% guarantee?I
haven’t, but I’m thinking about doing it this afternoon.The shit looks ridiculous, like the hair on top of my head is
just balanced there and would come flying off if I happened to hear
a song by Anthrax, or any other band that triggers pronounced and
involuntary nodding.
It’s this job I’m working…Well,
to be more precise, it’s the hours.When I leave for work on Sunday afternoon I feel like I’m
driving into a dark tunnel, from which I won’t emerge until
Thursday morning.
On Sunday I always tell my family, “See ya on Thursday!”I say it as a joke, but it’s true.I go into an isolated holding pattern for four days every
week.I literally sleep,
work, and write these updates.Nothing
else.I don’t see anybody,
there’s minimal phone contact, I’m working when the rest of the
world’s atop the dormancy platform…It’s a strange existence.
But I’m not complaining, really.Despite
the obvious downsides, I kinda like this schedule.I think the updates have been pretty good, I’m hard-wired
as a night person, and the new gig is FAR less stressful than the
previous one.Yeah, I’m
supervising people now, which can be a stabbing pain in the luggage,
but generally speaking it’s much more laid-back than what I used
to do.
I just need to adjust to the new rhythm of things a little better.I need to learn that NOTHING extra is going to be
accomplished when I’m in The Tunnel.And that apparently includes the clipping of my nasty-ass
Frito nails...
Pass the lime Jell-O.
--I cashed in some of my
Amazon credits and ordered this camera
late last night/early this
morning.It’s not the one I
want for England,
I haven’t pulled the trigger on that one yet, this is for every
day.
I used to be pretty good about taking my camera everywhere I went.But I’ve been slipping of late, and missed some great
shots.Like, for instance, a
gang of chickens wandering around the parking lot of Lowe’s…That’s something you just don’t see every day, farm
animals outside a home improvement superstore.But was I prepared?No,
I was not.
So, I’ve been toying with the idea of buying a nice point &
shoot, something small enough to carry in my pocket.And now it is done.Hopefully
we’ll soon see an improvement over the shoddy cell phone
photography of the Mr. Funnelpants and Fur Coat Man era.
Thanks for remembering to do your Amazon shopping through our links
here.It costs you nothing
extra, and can lead to an evenhigher
quality
of mockery.
--Speaking of England,
did you see this
article?Sweet
sainted mother of Sol Rosenberg!If
the co-pilot comes ripping out of the cockpit on our flight, and
starts yelling about the plane being low on fuel, and demanding to
speak to God and whatnot, they’ll just find a corpse strapped to
my chair when we land.That
shit’s nothing short of outrageous.
--And another thing about
our upcoming trip…If we
actually make it to our destination, without some British Airlines
employee crashing our plane because “the overlords” inside his
head tell him it must be so, I will indeed be partaking of the
bitters.Just a momentary
lapse of reason, I guess.In
the final estimation, there is NO WAY I’m going over there and
staying out of the pubs.I
mean, seriously.The whole
idea just makes me laugh now.
--A few minutes ago I
sneezed while eating a Marie Callender’s frozen meal, and am
almost certain I now have a kernel of corn lodged deep inside my left
lung.Is that possible?And if so, how do I get it out?I can feel it fluttering in there, with every breath.
And since we're on the subject... is there a better high-sodium,
fat-soaked frozen meal than the offerings from Marie Callender's? I
submit that there is not.
--Somebody sent this to me a
few days ago (maybe Buck?).It’s
called the Knickerpicker, and when I first saw the name I thought it
was going to be a website devoted to the phenomenon of people
arriving at interstate rest areas, and immediately plucking the
underwear out of their asses with a thumb and a pointer finger.But I was way off.
--Nancy and the Gang are
scheduled to arrive at Jeff & Toney’s Bed and Breakfast Inn,
around 7
o’clock
tomorrow night.And from what
I understand, they’re staying until Monday.I have to work Sunday night, so I won’t get to hear
Nossy’s Super Bowl commentary.But
Toney does a pretty good job of keeping me updated.
If you’re not subscribed, you might want to sign up for our
mailing list now…Just a
little heads up.
And speaking of the Super Bowl, at work they’re bringing in pizza
and hot wings for us on Sunday.And
they’re urging everyone to add to the feast in some kind of
beerless and bastardized version of a potluck sports extravaganza.
But since there’s no TV, internet, or radio in that place…I guess somebody will have to keep running out to their car
to get the score?I simply
don’t know.
One thing I do
know: I’m already anticipating a Monday highlighted by painful,
scalding-hot diarrhea.
--Because of my new
schedule, I watched the first episode of Dexter
a long, long time ago, and the second episode last week.Gone are the days of three shows per night, with a bottomless
beer and salted peanuts in the shell…
But I’m liking the program so far.I
like the feel of the thing, and the premise is excellent.Thanks for the tip!Maybe
I’ll be finished with Season One before Thanksgiving?
--And that’s all I have
for today, children.The only
Question I can find in my notebook is: what
are the worst movie remakes of all time?But I don’t have much enthusiasm for it.
The only thing I can think of is Black
Christmas.
I’m listening to Clive
Bull, trying to steal one of his
topics, but he’s asking people if they wear seatbelts.I mean, what the hell??
But if you have something to say on those subjects, or anything else
for that matter, please use the comments link below.
I’m going to be taking Friday off (again), so no update tomorrow.I’m working on a couple of projects I hope you guys will
eventually see and enjoy, but we’ll just have to play it by ear.
One thing I’m definitely going to do tomorrow is make another trek
to the Olyphant post office, and mail out more hats.So if you want one, it would be a good idea to get your order
in now.
I’ll be going back into The Tunnel again soon, and it’ll
probably be a week before I do another mailing.So… if you order by, say, one
o’clock
Friday afternoon, I’ll get it out to you same-day.
Today at work I've taken a dump,
emailed a picture of a squirrel with giant nuts to all my friends,
talked about the Super Bowl, and now I'm on lunch break.
late last night/early this
morning.